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Thread: The Song I Hear

  1. #1
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    The Song I Hear

    This is the Song I Hear...tell me what you think. And it's not quite finished, so if you want something changed, suggest it.

    I hear all this Earth singing, a solemn and mournful tune.
    From among the forests, across the seas, and o'er the sunscorched dunes
    Come a chorus of dirges all with but one song, telling of the same fate
    And zealously trying to redeem the choir, but the entreaties were made too late
    To undo the regrets, and relive the past, to go back and change their lives
    Unbeknownst to the ensemble, their songs are worth naught, and only deeds shall suffice
    For they themselves caused their tribulations, and now in agony must dwell
    But no cruel torture is this penitence, for they have earned it well
    Rarely will you find an innocent here, and all of them are babes
    Some have been born addicted to drugs, while others' doom is AIDS
    I know now why babies cry, and why their teardrops fall like rain
    Bereft of the chances we have had, their lot is undeserved pain
    And yet still they lament and moan, and cry on heaven's door
    They should not have had to bear this burden, this was not their chore
    Their cries have fallen on deaf ears...all except for mine
    Only I can hear the children crying, only I hear their piteous whine
    Alone, I can do nothing, but listen and comfort their fears
    And try to sing with my loudest voice, and hope for a different set of ears
    I pray that the next person to hear this elegy, will add their voice to mine
    Together, we can do something, and change this world in time
    But this paradise was not meant to be, and this wish can not survive
    For there are few people who hear this song, and only we can keep it alive
    So my hopes and dreams will fade away, and all that will be left is the tune
    But maybe it can convey to you, the awful despair that still looms
    Over this earth like an empty cloud, like a shadow on this land
    A storm cloud that can only be lifted, by the power of a caring hand

  2. #2
    WOW!!!!!!! that's really good hun, wish i could write like that!
    ~let your dreams guide you to your fate and your fate will be what you have dreamed it to be~

  3. #3
    Good morning, Campers! Jay's Avatar
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    That really is a great poem! And if this isn't finished yet, would you please post the rest of it? I'm kinda curious what else you have to say. And I'd not do any changes to it, it's nice the way it is.
    I have a plan: attack!

  4. #4
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    I'll post the rest when I finish the rest lol. I dunno though...it might be done, as it is. It's so hard to tell when a poem is really finished.

  5. #5
    lol i know how you feel, it may seem done but there is always something left to say in the end. even if it is like 10 pages long LOL
    ~let your dreams guide you to your fate and your fate will be what you have dreamed it to be~

  6. #6
    Good morning, Campers! Jay's Avatar
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    I agree, sometimes you think it's done, but then you look at it after a while and you feel like there's still something to be said.
    I have a plan: attack!

  7. #7
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    Whoa...been almost a month, and still no new posts. lol...guess you guys just don't like criticizing poetry.
    We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams.

  8. #8
    Grim Reaper
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    whodfuinfgm,df.....
    i like.. no love it! i really really wish i could write like that! i would like to see what else you have got.
    "My body won't succumb to my heart and it's tearing me apart"

    "There is no point to democracy when ignorance is celebrated"

  9. #9
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    I can't criticize it really...its just too good. Comparing it to my own poetry, it would be as if I were trying to critique the poetry of Robert Frost. oops I mean this...I'm not just trying to boost your ego. Have you published any poetry yet?

  10. #10
    nasser Nasser's Avatar
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    Omigosh, the poem is terrific..and perfect ........when u finish)
    This thing we talk of can never be found by seeking,yet only seekers will find it..

  11. #11
    What's the prognosis? Dr Eep's Avatar
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    tjg1098 wrote;
    I know now why babies cry, and why their teardrops fall like rain
    Bereft of the chances we have had, their lot is undeserved pain
    And yet still they lament and moan, and cry on heaven's door
    They should not have had to bear this burden, this was not their chore


    Yeah, the cry of babies born disadvantaged into this cruel worls is the sound of the most tragic song or music one could ever hear!
    I like the subject material of your poem - it's something I covered myself in a poem I'll post here sometime. Nice to see such a perceptive caring person

  12. #12
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    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by tjg1098 View Post
    I pray that the next person to hear this elegy, will add their voice to mine
    Together, we can do something, and change this world in time
    But this paradise was not meant to be, and this wish can not survive
    For there are few people who hear this song, and only we can keep it alive
    So my hopes and dreams will fade away, and all that will be left is the tune
    i love this part! thanks for writing it

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