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Thread: Alaska

  1. #1
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    Alaska

    he sees Alaska
    deep in her eyes
    frozen by arctic
    winds with chilled-shock
    icicles under
    pupils from frost
    tundra-filled hearts
    make the northern lights
    color the atmosphere with the night
    silence is telling time to slow down
    as this cold desert absorbs all sound
    lips are then fastened by lucid ice
    lost in her caverns
    of opal-white
    with frigid darkness
    and endless depths
    that show the glacial
    will shift their breath
    and blend the clouds
    that are crystallized

  2. #2
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    lost in her caverns
    of opal-white
    with frigid darkness
    and endless depths
    that show the glacial
    will shift their breath
    and blend the clouds
    that are crystallized


    Now there's a good bit of technical poetry. Very nice. But try it this way (if you want) for the euphonics and maybe end with a (muted) flourish:

    lost in her caverns,
    her snowy shroud,
    her icy darkness,
    her wintry depths,
    that show the glacial
    will shift their breath
    and blend the clouds
    that are crystallized
    And find at last Alaska
    in her eyes.


    I hope the bold text is not confusing. It shows the assonance (yours and mine) with other suggestions that are just mine. I'm just trying to show how it could all fit together.

    By the way, I'm not quite sure what "will shift their breath" means. Perhaps that could be made clearer somehow. I also changed "frigid darkness" to icy darkness and "endless depths" to to wintry depths. "Frigid" and "endless depths" could be taken as psychological states (perhaps that's what you meant), but it's best not to confuse a statement with a pure image--show don't tell. You may also want to change "deep in her eyes" (a commonplace if not exactly a cliche) to "in her eyes". These are only suggestions, of course. Follow your own vision.
    Last edited by Pompey Bum; 06-28-2019 at 07:27 PM.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  3. #3
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    very archaic and somehow charmingly intriguing.
    much enjoyed!!
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  4. #4
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    a beautiful woman so cold must be Alaska

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  5. #5
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tailor STATELY View Post
    a beautiful woman so cold must be Alaska
    I'm surprised that Taylor, with his encyclopedic knowledge of music, didn't come up with this:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=whn3K9Ll5aE
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  6. #6
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tailor STATELY View Post
    a beautiful woman so cold must be Alaska
    I'm surprised that Taylor, with his encyclopedic knowledge of music, didn't come up with this:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=whn3K9Ll5aE
    Good link, great band, definitely under my radar.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    Last edited by tailor STATELY; 07-03-2019 at 06:02 PM.
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  7. #7
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    love this one

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