Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: I believe in you.

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    38

    I believe in you.

    A raging sun cooks,
    from above,
    your naked, young back
    as you crawl across
    this skillet-floor
    that blisters your
    baby-belly skin.

    You
    can do
    this.

    In the stomach of this ocean
    your lungs are older now;
    they are balloons
    that move up through
    this blue cocoon of water.
    You front crawl faster
    as your tight
    muscles race toward
    the blurry lens of light
    that draws you to its warmth.
    You break the surface-crust,
    and the gasp you take in
    sounds like a rusty,
    loud door hinge.
    Breathe.
    From behind you is a rushing,
    radio-static growl;
    this tidal wave is about
    to crash like cars and crush you.

    You
    can do
    this.

    I believe in you.
    Last edited by MiltonSatyr; 06-22-2019 at 03:45 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    8

    Cool Motivation

    Sun and water. Youth and old age. Through it all, you need motivation because of the constant attacks of the world. Or at least that is my interpretation. Nice.

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    38
    Quote Originally Posted by DarkMage7790 View Post
    Sun and water. Youth and old age. Through it all, you need motivation because of the constant attacks of the world. Or at least that is my interpretation. Nice.
    You got it. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

  4. #4
    Closed
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Uncanny Valley
    Posts
    6,373
    Yes, that has more imagery than your earlier poems did, and it's mostly quite effective. Baby-belly skin on a skillet floor. No need to tell me about it (as in prose)--my mind already knows. Nice job.

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    38
    Quote Originally Posted by Pompey Bum View Post
    Yes, that has more imagery than your earlier poems did, and it's mostly quite effective. Baby-belly skin on a skillet floor. No need to tell me about it (as in prose)--my mind already knows. Nice job.
    Glad you noticed. :P Though I do agree with you about the bab-belly skin line, I'm keeping it, haha. Also, I keep trying to add a comment on your Thistle poem, but I can't for some reason. It's really good. Thanks for the grammatical correction as well. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

  6. #6
    Closed
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Uncanny Valley
    Posts
    6,373
    Quote Originally Posted by MiltonSatyr View Post
    I keep trying to add a comment on your Thistle poem, but I can't for some reason. It's really good.
    Thank you, it's very kind of you to say so. Maybe I'll repost some of my old poems if I you are interested (and if I can dig them up). LitNet archaeology is a field unto itself.
    Last edited by Pompey Bum; 06-23-2019 at 11:02 AM.

  7. #7
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    115
    I'd like to see some reposts Pompey!
    Last edited by Shadowlight; 06-27-2019 at 02:34 AM.

  8. #8
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    38
    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowlight View Post
    I'd like to see some reposts Pompey!
    Agreed!

  9. #9
    Closed
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Uncanny Valley
    Posts
    6,373
    You are both too kind. I will post a few right now under the title Pompey Bum Redux.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •