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Thread: effortless

  1. #1
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    effortless

    love
    and lust
    the stalk
    of rust
    bares bust
    one expects
    gust the
    other dust
    the weather
    forecasts
    musk is pleasant
    when
    it conquers resin.
    Last edited by cacian; 06-03-2019 at 08:45 AM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  2. #2
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    Okay, so very good. That's exactly what I meant by using more imagery. "Stalk" and "bares bust" get the point across much better than if you stopped to explain it. I think the last word needs to be resentment, though. Resent is the verb form, and you technically need a noun. Besides, resentment is a gift. It's a slant rhyme with pleasant and has an internal rhyme of its own, which would help you end on a less forced but no less musical couplet. Anyway, that is my obligatory one criticism. Nice poem.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  3. #3
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Pompey thank you for the feedback.
    I agree about the word 'resent'.
    I meant to say 'resin;. It is now rectified.
    Thank you again.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  4. #4
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    ......
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  5. #5
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    Have you ever considered following a more fluid metered rhyme scheme?

    Not to be abrasive, but I find that this rhyme is so staccato in the way it reads that it feels like my mind is tripping over itself to decode it. This " feel" makes it hard to want to reread it extract the meaning. The stop and go nature over your method feels like running, coming to a sudden stop, running again, and then tripping scraping one's knees.

    It's a shame really, because I think that many of your poems have some really interesting content, but because of the structure I can't muster the motivation to read into them.

    Sometimes it can be really hard to let go what we create, especially when our developments become exclusively our own, but sometimes that in of itself can become a vanity and not a viable offering to others.

    I'm honestly hugely curious what you could produce if you just gave a little leeway on the rythme structuring. I really think you have some strong thoughts and emotions to convey, but I think this inhibits you.
    Last edited by Shadowlight; 06-05-2019 at 08:23 PM.

  6. #6
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Shadowlight I thank you very much for taking time to read and comment.
    Your constructive feedback has been very useful to me and so would take on board what you said.
    It is true once one has one a style it is very difficult to let go of it.
    Hence your ideas about how one can move or improve is well done. I will take on board you suggestions and
    work around for future posting.
    Thank you again.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  7. #7
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    I will be looking forward in anticipation your next offering. SL

  8. #8
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    Same here. As you know, I'm a huge fan. I like SL's suggestion that you try some metrical verse at some point. I remember from the old Abba thread that you like to dance, and really, meter's not all that different. You just learn the pattern and let it happen naturally. As with dances, there a many patterns. The most natural to English, iambic pentameter, is simple to pick up but powerful in use; just as a waltz is an easy dance to learn, but it can produce glorious (or beautifully simple) things. You may want to consider it for at least some of your poems.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  9. #9
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pompey Bum View Post
    Same here. As you know, I'm a huge fan. I like SL's suggestion that you try some metrical verse at some point. I remember from the old Abba thread that you like to dance, and really, meter's not all that different. You just learn the pattern and let it happen naturally. As with dances, there a many patterns. The most natural to English, iambic pentameter, is simple to pick up but powerful in use; just as a waltz is an easy dance to learn, but it can produce glorious (or beautifully simple) things. You may want to consider it for at least some of your poems.
    Hi there Pompey and thank you for the ideas and advice. I am not very good with following forms I get a bit distracted not sure why trying to follow the meters but I should give it a shot to see what happens.
    Thank you again
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

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  1. effortless
    By lucidnightmares in forum Personal Poetry
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