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  1. #1
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    quote

    the very essence
    of life is a startling
    quote found amongst
    the strolls of nature best sparkling
    lead on
    not lean on
    and immortalise speeds on
    and sees dawn
    idolise lawns and revitalise
    anything that's gone
    to come alive is the ideal born
    science has nothing to scorn
    everything is done on own
    time effervescent has it
    it is part of this renaissance.
    Last edited by cacian; 05-29-2019 at 05:05 AM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  2. #2
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    I like the symmetry of "essence" in the first line and "renaissance" in the last. It's an audacious rhyme. My only criticism is that the poem depends on an "own" "orn" "awn" assonance (especially toward the end). The sound is a little mournful in what I take to be a poem about the "sparkling" (as you say) transcendence of nature. But maybe I read it wrong--more imagery would have helped me. But these are minor gripes. It is an excellent poem and captures a certain joy of life. Sparkling!
    Last edited by Pompey Bum; 05-28-2019 at 07:44 PM.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  3. #3
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    .......
    Last edited by cacian; 05-29-2019 at 12:39 PM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  4. #4
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Hello Pompey and thank you for the interesting feedback.
    I get exactly what you mean by the assonance of
    own/orn/awn
    I may need to rework it perhaps.
    Glad you are posting again!!
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  5. #5
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    Well, rework it if you want, but it is a fine poem and I would leave it as is. Poems write themselves in a certain way (at least my silly ones do) and if this one needed to cry a little, well, they're only tears. In any case, my comments were intended constructively for your future poems. And thanks for your welcome back. I'm writing at home these days, but I can only really concentrate for three or four hours, which leaves some time for LitNet. It's nice to see you writing poetry again.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

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