quote

[cacian]

the very essence
of life is a startling
quote found amongst
the strolls of nature best sparkling
lead on
not lean on
and immortalise speeds on
and sees dawn
idolise lawns and revitalise
anything that's gone
to come alive is the ideal born
science has nothing to scorn
everything is done on own
time effervescent has it
it is part of this renaissance.

[Pompey Bum]

I like the symmetry of "essence" in the first line and "renaissance" in the last. It's an audacious rhyme. My only criticism is that the poem depends on an "own" "orn" "awn" assonance (especially toward the end). The sound is a little mournful in what I take to be a poem about the "sparkling" (as you say) transcendence of nature. But maybe I read it wrong--more imagery would have helped me. But these are minor gripes. It is an excellent poem and captures a certain joy of life. Sparkling!

[cacian]

.......

[cacian]

Hello Pompey and thank you for the interesting feedback.
I get exactly what you mean by the assonance of
own/orn/awn
I may need to rework it perhaps.
Glad you are posting again!!

[Pompey Bum]

Well, rework it if you want, but it is a fine poem and I would leave it as is. Poems write themselves in a certain way (at least my silly ones do) and if this one needed to cry a little, well, they're only tears. In any case, my comments were intended constructively for your future poems. And thanks for your welcome back. I'm writing at home these days, but I can only really concentrate for three or four hours, which leaves some time for LitNet. It's nice to see you writing poetry again.