Words of Whiz Dumb 2019


—“ So whatever your summer plans, don’t forget to bring on the Muckenmire! Stop by any convenience store and pick it up today. And try our economical 90-pack. That’s Muckenmire’s Discount Beer: when it’s the price, not the quality that counts. You’re listening to WDUH radio, one-oh-nine point four and a half on your FM dial. We take you now to the Rentacenter Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash where University President Porterhouse Mistake III is wrapping up his opening remarks. We join the 2019 Downstate University at Hogwash Commencement Ceremony already in progress.

“-ug-alcohol-smoke-trans fat-peanut butter-wheat-salt-sugar- gluten-and insufferable know-it-all-free zone.

“Before the festivities get under way, we have a few short announcements. First, a section of the parking lot is designated for people with disabilities only. The sign saying ‘handicapped’ does not apply to mediocre golfers.

“Secondly, the management of the Rentacenter Civic Center has asked me to remind you that this venue is for public events and so-called entertainment. If you wish to return your rented TVs and sofas, please don’t bring them into to the Civic Center. Instead take them to any convenient Rentcenter location, such as the store with the partially soaped- up windows in Cost Cutter Plaza on Route 20.

“Now we come to the portion of the ceremony you’ve all been waiting for. No, not the diplomas, the commencement speaker. As you may know, our originally scheduled speaker, Internet tech titan Jeff Bozos, was forced to cancel in order to spend more time with his money. The back-up speakers, the dignitaries on our “B” list— if you will — backed out. It seems that all 47 of them were unable to get away from their 2020 Presidential campaigns.

“Fortunately, the Commencement Committee was able to track down a sucker–er, speaker, who graciously agreed to step in at the last minute. You may know her as a cast member on the off-brand cable network comedy Who Ordered Anchovies? Recently you may have seen her in the news concerning a big scandal—er, some educational issues. She was kind enough to stop here on her way to her arraignment.

”So let’s all of us here at DUH give her a warm welcome. Put your hands together for Miss Lotta Doe!”

[Tepid applause]

“Thank you, East Hogwash! I have to say that it’s really amazing to be here. Not that I’m thrilled by any stretch, but I can’t believe I’m anywhere that has anything to do with higher education.

“Speaking personally, the last time I was at a commencement ceremony was my own but in the year [muffled] when I received my diploma from St. Hilarius High School right here in East Hogwash. I’d like to say that I was the class Valedictorian. I’d like to say that, if you catch my drift.

“So in the , er, couple years that have passed, I’ve had little contact with the halls of higher learning. Until recently, that is. My husband, Richie Doe, is a hedge fund manager. It’s amazing how much you could rake in just by financing landscape greenery. I mean, who knew? Right?

“Richie and I have two beautiful children. My daughter, Kenosha, is a high school junior. Her brother, Council Bluffs, is also in the eleventh grade. That’s because his fifth grade teacher made him repeat a year. (That witch!)

“Anyhoo, it was high time they both started applying to colleges. Richie and I wanted them both to attend the best schools. It’s not that they needed an education to get a job. Please! I mean, they’re both financially set for life. We wanted the prestige, ya get me?

“We knew that we’d have to pay top dollar for the finest schools, but money was no object. I mean, who objects to money, am I right? The problem is they couldn’t get admitted. You ever hear the expression, ‘It’s the economy, Stupid!’? In my kids’ case it was ‘It’s the Stupidity, Stupid!’ Between the two of them , the scores of their entrance exams wouldn’t hit the Mendoza line. They couldn’t even get points for spelling their names right. I don’t know how many times I reminded my daughter —‘It’s Kenosha, not Oshkosh!’

“We knew neither of my little Einsteins would get into college the legit way.So we did what every other red-blooded filthy rich American parent would do— Cheat!

“ Hit it, boys!—

What’s the deal with all these fibs today!
No one’s got a problem with what you say!
You can get away
with the weirdest crap
the world has ever known:
Loopy, hazy, whacked-out crazy
Horse Poop—
And while we’re on the subject—

We make telling lies legitimate.
They’re not just for Fakebook and the Internet.
Why can’t we be like Rudy
Deceitful in every way?
Nothin’s the matter with fibs today!

“Nothing! Except you can get caught. So poor Kenosha and Council Bluffs will have to kiss our dreams — their, I mean their dreams—good-bye. And that’s why we say:

Bye- bye, Berkeley!
So sad that we can’t go.
Bye-bye, Berkeley
Too bad that you said no.

So long, Stanford!
We’ll miss your font of knowledge.
So long Stanford.
Hello, Community College.

Au revoir, Ivy League!
Adios Harvard and Yale.
Who knew cheating would tank
and bribery would go stale?’

Ta-Ta , Tulane —"

[Muffled] “Ms. Doe? We are attorneys representing Lee Adams and Charles Strouse —