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Thread: The Wild One

  1. #1
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    The Wild One

    The little girl wandered out of the village square
    in the moonlight of the night she climbed its walls.
    She avoided the paths that led specifically anywhere,
    that night she answered the wilderness' call.

    Her feet followed the steps of the moss.
    The stars she climbed as stairs,
    to places not of this world,
    to which she could entrust her prayers.

    She whispered her secrets to the voice of the wind,
    who echoed them, spread across the land.
    Revealed, they no longer held power over her soul,
    free, she was no longer captive to their demands.

    She spoke with the birds
    who heartily sang.
    She howled with the wolf
    whose kinship never refrained.
    She declared her love
    to canyons that perpetually rang
    truths that could no longer be abstained.

    She bathed in the untouched rivers of the wood
    washing the restless sins from her heart.
    Dancing, she rejoiced for all the good
    the day the wilderness tore her humanity apart.

    This was the place of which she was to stay.
    Lost and alone within nature's grace.
    To truly live,
    her humanity had to die.
    For humanity,
    had become too cumbersome a lie.
    Last edited by Shadowlight; 04-20-2019 at 12:52 PM. Reason: Tailor Stately's suggestions, reworking

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    The Wild One
    The little girl wandered out of the village square
    in the moonlight of the night she climbed it's walls
    She avoided the paths that led specifically anywhere,
    that night she answered the wilderness' call.

    Her feet followed the steps of the moss.
    The stars she climbed as stairs,
    to places not of this world,
    to which she could entrust her prayers.

    She whispered her secrets to the voice of the wind,
    who echoed, spreading them across the land.
    Revealed, they no longer held power over her soul,
    her hands no longer held captive to their demands.

    She danced in the untouched waters of the wood.
    The river bathed the restless sins from her heart.
    Dancing she rejoiced for all the good
    the day the wilderness tore her and her village apart.

    She spoke with the birds
    who heartily sang.
    She howled with the wolf
    who's kinship never refrained.
    She declared her love
    to canyons that perpetually rang
    truths that could no longer be abstained.


    This was the place of which she was to stay.
    Lost and alone within nature's maze.
    To truly live, to herself she had to die,
    for humanity had become too cumbersome a lie.
    Last edited by Shadowlight; 04-09-2019 at 04:08 PM.
    aye: wilderness' (L4) ... nay: it's (L2) its... nay: who's (L20) whose

    Aside from the few syntax errors I enjoyed your offering. Enjoyed especially S5.

    I revisited to see why I was having some difficulty scanning the poem... S3 L1 stopped me up short a bit: where the protagonist is whispering to a voice. The wood/good rhyme seemed a bit forced for some reason in S4... also die/lie in S6.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    Last edited by tailor STATELY; 04-12-2019 at 04:21 PM. Reason: revisited
    Enchant Me

    Your very being a desire for answer
    Lament not your unassailable mystery
    Enchant me with your dreams

    5-14-2005

  3. #3
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    Thank you Tailor Stately for your thorough and honest review. I have cleaned up the syntax errors and have attempted to try to rework some of the meter and rhymes. Hopefully, this offers a more smooth and pleasant read. I feel its still a bit staccato in places, I might have to revisit later when not as muddled.

    Anyone else having trouble loading Litnet pages? It takes forever and often I get error messages. Makes me wonder if the server is too full with archived data? I really have no idea with all that,but it is really frustrating.

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
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    Thank you Tailor Stately for your thorough and honest review. I have cleaned up the syntax errors and have attempted to try to rework some of the meter and rhymes. Hopefully, this offers a more smooth and pleasant read. I feel its still a bit staccato in places, I might have to revisit later when not as muddled.

    Anyone else having trouble loading Litnet pages? It takes forever and often I get error messages. Makes me wonder if the server is too full with archived data? I really have no idea with all that,but it is really frustrating.

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