TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 27

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Hall
Not a creature was stirring
After the Christmas Eve Ball
Except the servants of course
Who didnít sleep at all

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely its self-evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

CHRISTMAS SPOILERS

The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children

THE QUEENĒS SPEECH

The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?

MINCE PIES FULL

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I donít eat them
Heartburnís the Reason

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well thatís what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Wonít take my beer gut away

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we couldíve been happy

I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed

PANTER CLAUS

Weíll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But Iíll fill you with joy
If youíll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought youíd be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then youíre not a sure thing?
And you donít swing?
No please donít go home yet
Iím the best offer youíll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 28

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Tower
Not a creature was stirring
As they neared the midnight hour
And the reason for that was
A black out so they had no power