21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 410

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Because he was
An antisocial fella

POLYGAMY

I was stunned when I was accused of Polygamy
It made me drop the bags I was holding
But then I was relieved to find it meant bigamy
And not as I thought the art of parrot-folding

IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

My ex-wife and I were in an open relationship
At least I believed it was an open relationship
Until that fateful day of the solicitors meeting
When she stunned me and called it cheating

MY FRIEND GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER

My friend got a personal trainer
And trained with him for a while
Starting a year before his wedding
So I questioned the length of the aisle

PICKUP # 23

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“I know milk does a body good”
Is something to get her thinking
“But what I want to know
Is how much you’ve been drinking”

I USED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND EVERY TIME

I used to live on a farm and every time
I passed the cows in the field I’d rant
And shout the most foul abuse at them
It’s turned out that I’m dairy intolerant

BUTTERFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR ONE DAY

Butterflies only live for one day
My wife told me with surprise
I said it was a myth, but she said
“No, it’s definitely a butterfly”

THE SMOKING OF ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

The smoking of electronic cigarettes
Should only be done if you are a robot
And even then it should only happen
When it has just had sex with another robot

MY BROTHERS SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME

My brothers spend all of their time
Floating out at sea on aquatic toys
They float from dawn until dusk
But I suppose boys will be buoys

THERE ARE AN EVIL GROUP OF MEN

There are an evil group of men
Who abide in shadows darkly
And control all the world’s cheese
They are known as the hallouminati

MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

My wife told me over breakfast
That sex was better on holiday
It took me completely by surprise
As the postcard only arrived that day

I ALWAYS LIKE TO HOLD HANDS

I always like to hold hands
When I go to the pictures
Which for some reason
Seems to surprise strangers

MY AUNT WAS THIRTY WHEN SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY

My Aunt was thirty when she lost her virginity
She had left it so late as the act was so dreaded
But was relieved when it had finally happened,
And wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded

I WAS INVITED TO MY FRIEND’S WEDDING

I was invited to my friend’s wedding
Well he used to be my friend at any rate
The wedding invite said, me +1
So I naturally turned up an hour late

MY DAD IS JUST LIKE A LAPTOP

My dad is just like a laptop,
If you interact with him and stop
And for ten minutes don’t make a peep
He will always go to sleep