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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 260

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 260

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 410

    Little Jack Horner
    Sat in the corner
    Because he was
    An antisocial fella

    POLYGAMY

    I was stunned when I was accused of Polygamy
    It made me drop the bags I was holding
    But then I was relieved to find it meant bigamy
    And not as I thought the art of parrot-folding

    IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

    My ex-wife and I were in an open relationship
    At least I believed it was an open relationship
    Until that fateful day of the solicitors meeting
    When she stunned me and called it cheating

    MY FRIEND GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER

    My friend got a personal trainer
    And trained with him for a while
    Starting a year before his wedding
    So I questioned the length of the aisle

    PICKUP # 23

    When you’re on the pull
    If you want to break the ice
    Say something funny
    Or say something nice
    Be devastatingly witty
    Or say something clever
    Be complimentary
    Or just lie in your endeavour
    “I know milk does a body good”
    Is something to get her thinking
    “But what I want to know
    Is how much you’ve been drinking”

    I USED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND EVERY TIME

    I used to live on a farm and every time
    I passed the cows in the field I’d rant
    And shout the most foul abuse at them
    It’s turned out that I’m dairy intolerant

    BUTTERFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR ONE DAY

    Butterflies only live for one day
    My wife told me with surprise
    I said it was a myth, but she said
    “No, it’s definitely a butterfly”

    THE SMOKING OF ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

    The smoking of electronic cigarettes
    Should only be done if you are a robot
    And even then it should only happen
    When it has just had sex with another robot

    MY BROTHERS SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME

    My brothers spend all of their time
    Floating out at sea on aquatic toys
    They float from dawn until dusk
    But I suppose boys will be buoys

    THERE ARE AN EVIL GROUP OF MEN

    There are an evil group of men
    Who abide in shadows darkly
    And control all the world’s cheese
    They are known as the hallouminati

    MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

    My wife told me over breakfast
    That sex was better on holiday
    It took me completely by surprise
    As the postcard only arrived that day

    I ALWAYS LIKE TO HOLD HANDS

    I always like to hold hands
    When I go to the pictures
    Which for some reason
    Seems to surprise strangers

    MY AUNT WAS THIRTY WHEN SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY

    My Aunt was thirty when she lost her virginity
    She had left it so late as the act was so dreaded
    But was relieved when it had finally happened,
    And wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded

    I WAS INVITED TO MY FRIEND’S WEDDING

    I was invited to my friend’s wedding
    Well he used to be my friend at any rate
    The wedding invite said, me +1
    So I naturally turned up an hour late

    MY DAD IS JUST LIKE A LAPTOP

    My dad is just like a laptop,
    If you interact with him and stop
    And for ten minutes don’t make a peep
    He will always go to sleep

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    All good, especially that last one!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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