BURNING GUY FAWKES THE H&S WAY

Health and Safety were in charge
Of lighting the Bonfire this year
One of them struck the match
And ten more held an extinguisher

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 409

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
The power he liked to relish and savour
He now knows was inappropriate behaviour

GOLFING EXPECTATIONS

I was retired and played quite a lot of Golf
I teed off hoping for a good round ahead
And had the intention of shooting my age,
But unfortunately I shot my weight instead

A paraphrasing of one of the great Bob Hope’s gags

THE HALF A CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

The half a chicken crossed the road
Because he had no one beside
So, the reason it crossed the road
Was to get to its other side

PICKUP # 22

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Oh please don’t stop”
You can begin to say
“Because I don’t get to see
Beauty in motion every day”

AT THE APPLE BONFIRE NIGHT PARTY

At the Apple Bonfire Night party
One struck the match to ignite the birch
And as the fire burned six of his colleagues
Were in a huddle designing the merch

IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO OFFEND ISIS

If you are looking to offend ISIS
And you’re a woman, wear a short skirt
That would seem to do the trick
And if you’re a man, wear a short skirt

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 6

“This will separate the men from the boys”
Was stated in my youth repeatedly
However it what separates them today
Appears to be is Operation Yew Tree

HOLMES HAD OVERDOSED

Holmes told Watson that he had overdosed
Which caused something of a shock
Holmes then told him it was on Imodium
And Watson exclaimed “No ****, Sherlock”

IF I DISCOVERED A NEW SPECIES

If I discovered a new species,
An animal to suit the agrarians
I would have to name it Quorn
To really mess with vegetarians

INSIDE EVERY RUSSIAN DOLL

Inside every Russian Doll
There’s another Russian Doll
And yet more without doubt
All of them screaming to get out

IN OUR AMATEUR DRAMATICS GROUP

In our Amateur Dramatics group
I was performing in a pantomime
Which was actually rather crappy
And I argued with one of the dwarfs
I’m don’t know which one he was
But I know for sure he wasn’t happy

MY FATHER WAS A MAGICIAN

My father was a magician
Well, not really a magician
But he did disappeared a lot
To avoid the law like as not

BURNING GUY FAWKES

Whitehall Civil Servants took control
Of the Bonfire on that fateful date
One of them struck the match, while
The rest filled forms in triplicate

CREATIVE DIFFERENCES

I broke up with my girlfriend,
Creative differences apparently,
I thought I was rather creative
But she thought differently