A STRESSED OUT MOTHER AND HER CHILD
A stressed out mother and her child
Went into the fancy dress shop
Rushing around from pillar to post
Without a moments pause or stop
“Here try this one” the mother said
Grabbing a Devils suit in a whirl
Her six year old daughter retorted
“I don’t want it, I’m not an evil girl”
IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE
If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror, either flat
Convex or concave
Then the thing that I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
When they have to shave?
A HALLOWEEN HORROR
A Halloween horror
Threatens my faith
A demon of my own making
The haunting of a wraith
SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as this Halloween comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Halloween game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN
I buy my wife a gift for Halloween
Though not the gift giving season
Because Halloween is like Christmas
For witches and that’s the reason
I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL
I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny little witch
With the reputation for being
A bit of a thorny little *****
She mellowed to me in my bed
And I was left with a horny itch
THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS
The three foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats
THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET
They may look cute and sweet
They may look smart and dandy
But they’re vicious little monsters
Who’ll rob you of all your candy
SHE MAY BE A WITCH
She may be a witch
And she may do spells
Which sounds like poety
As far as anyone tells
So just beware of
Unnatural smells
Or you’ll fall victim
To one of her spells
I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are Devilled
PHANTASM
What is that ghostly apparition?
Is that ghostly figure a Phantasm?
Come to haunt and terrorise us?
No it’s the kid from next door, Adam
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
On all hallows eve when the sun has set
The ghosts and ghouls come out to play
With dripping fangs and bloody claws
They prowl the street in search of prey
And when to my door the fiends appear
I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away
TRICK OR TREAT
When the little boys and girls
Knock at my door for candy
I must give them what they want
“Or else” is their modus operandi
So with a false smile I comply
But under my breath I pray
That by the time Christmas comes
They’ll all have tooth decay
THE COSTUMED ARMY
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
JACK O’LANTERN
Jack O’Lantern’s light
Gazing out into the night
In the window there
Staring out a scary stare
With your unsympathetic grin
And glowing orange skin
Are you there to keep the spirits out?
With your jagged leering mouth
Or is your gnarled and toothless grin
There to invite the evil in?
OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN
It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
All year round we tell our children
“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
We instill in them from an early age
“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we send them out
To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers
When children dressed as monsters
Terrorize the neighbourhood
Begging from door to door
Demanding sweets and treats
For not vandalizing your property
The older children or should I say yobs
Wear masks and disguise them selves
Clearly training for a life of crime
A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob
It’s that time of year again
The night of night to ignore the doorbell
Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get up next morning
With fake blood smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my windscreen
And rubbish strewn across my garden
God I hate Halloween and its practitioners
SHE COULD BEGUILE AND MESMERISE
She could beguile
And mesmerise
She could entrance
And hypnotize
She was a cunning
Thorny little *****
She was also a stunning
Horny little Witch
IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts
WHAT TO GIVE ON HALLOWEEN
What to give on Halloween?
Is a no brainer in the end
Because everyone knows
Demons are a ghoul's best friend
IT’S NOT MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY
It’s not my favourite holiday
And although opinions vary
I do really love Halloween
As I can eat, drink and be scary
WITCHNAPPED
On her broomstick she swoops
And into her arms she scoops
A poor unsuspecting young man
Because as a witch she can
And carries him off through the night
Then uses him for her delight
In the light of the cauldrons fire
She indulges her every desire