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Thread: Halloween Tales 2018 # 1

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    Halloween Tales 2018 # 1

    A STRESSED OUT MOTHER AND HER CHILD

    A stressed out mother and her child
    Went into the fancy dress shop
    Rushing around from pillar to post
    Without a moments pause or stop
    “Here try this one” the mother said
    Grabbing a Devils suit in a whirl
    Her six year old daughter retorted
    “I don’t want it, I’m not an evil girl”

    IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE

    If vampires can’t see
    Their own reflection
    In a mirror, either flat
    Convex or concave
    Then the thing that I
    Have always wondered is
    How do they manage?
    When they have to shave?

    A HALLOWEEN HORROR

    A Halloween horror
    Threatens my faith
    A demon of my own making
    The haunting of a wraith

    SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN

    Snip! Snap! Dragon!
    Here comes the flaming bowl
    So let mischief take its toll
    Just as this Halloween comes
    Snatch at the feast of plums
    In amongst the Brandy’s flame
    It’s our favourite Halloween game
    Snip! Snap! Dragon!

    I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN

    I buy my wife a gift for Halloween
    Though not the gift giving season
    Because Halloween is like Christmas
    For witches and that’s the reason

    I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL

    I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
    Who was a scrawny little witch
    With the reputation for being
    A bit of a thorny little *****
    She mellowed to me in my bed
    And I was left with a horny itch

    THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS

    The three foot ghosts and ghouls
    Roam the neighbourhood streets
    Demanding candy with menaces
    When tricks arise after no treats

    THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET

    They may look cute and sweet
    They may look smart and dandy
    But they’re vicious little monsters
    Who’ll rob you of all your candy

    SHE MAY BE A WITCH

    She may be a witch
    And she may do spells
    Which sounds like poety
    As far as anyone tells
    So just beware of
    Unnatural smells
    Or you’ll fall victim
    To one of her spells

    I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED

    I think my chickens are possessed
    My wife is very much distressed
    Their feathers are all dishevelled
    And the eggs they lay are Devilled

    PHANTASM

    What is that ghostly apparition?
    Is that ghostly figure a Phantasm?
    Come to haunt and terrorise us?
    No it’s the kid from next door, Adam

    THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

    On all hallows eve when the sun has set
    The ghosts and ghouls come out to play
    With dripping fangs and bloody claws
    They prowl the street in search of prey
    And when to my door the fiends appear
    I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away

    TRICK OR TREAT

    When the little boys and girls
    Knock at my door for candy
    I must give them what they want
    “Or else” is their modus operandi
    So with a false smile I comply
    But under my breath I pray
    That by the time Christmas comes
    They’ll all have tooth decay

    THE COSTUMED ARMY

    It’s here again
    That day we all dread
    When once more
    We fear the rise of the dead

    But fear not
    Our salvation is at hand
    We shall be saved
    By an unlikely Band

    So be assured
    When the time is near
    Ghosts and ghouls
    Will all quake in fear

    When night falls
    All the undead will cower
    Trembling in awe
    Come the witching hour

    As armed with sacks
    Our great costumed army
    Will roam the streets
    To drive the evil spirits barmy

    So to protect yourselves
    Keep a proper payment handy
    When the costumed army
    Come knocking for some candy

    JACK O’LANTERN

    Jack O’Lantern’s light
    Gazing out into the night
    In the window there
    Staring out a scary stare
    With your unsympathetic grin
    And glowing orange skin
    Are you there to keep the spirits out?
    With your jagged leering mouth
    Or is your gnarled and toothless grin
    There to invite the evil in?

    OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

    It’s that time of year again, Halloween
    Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
    All year round we tell our children
    “Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
    We instill in them from an early age
    “Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
    Then at Halloween we send them out
    To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers
    When children dressed as monsters
    Terrorize the neighbourhood
    Begging from door to door
    Demanding sweets and treats
    For not vandalizing your property
    The older children or should I say yobs
    Wear masks and disguise them selves
    Clearly training for a life of crime
    A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob
    It’s that time of year again
    The night of night to ignore the doorbell
    Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
    I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
    But I know I will get up next morning
    With fake blood smeared on the front door
    Eggs smashed on my windscreen
    And rubbish strewn across my garden
    God I hate Halloween and its practitioners

    SHE COULD BEGUILE AND MESMERISE

    She could beguile
    And mesmerise
    She could entrance
    And hypnotize
    She was a cunning
    Thorny little *****
    She was also a stunning
    Horny little Witch

    IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND

    It was Halloween and
    We were on our way to a party
    They were both dressed as vampires
    And I was Professor Moriarty

    We stopped at the supermarket
    But didn’t have any cash
    So we thought we’d steal some booze
    Then make a dash

    The bottles we wanted
    Were on the very top of the racks
    Which we couldn’t reach
    So I had to stand on their backs

    Once I had the bottles
    Dracula hid them under his cape
    And without drawing attention
    We casually made our escape

    But we were caught on CCTV
    A very clear image by all accounts
    I was charged with shoplifting
    On two counts

    WHAT TO GIVE ON HALLOWEEN

    What to give on Halloween?
    Is a no brainer in the end
    Because everyone knows
    Demons are a ghoul's best friend

    IT’S NOT MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY

    It’s not my favourite holiday
    And although opinions vary
    I do really love Halloween
    As I can eat, drink and be scary

    WITCHNAPPED

    On her broomstick she swoops
    And into her arms she scoops
    A poor unsuspecting young man
    Because as a witch she can
    And carries him off through the night
    Then uses him for her delight
    In the light of the cauldrons fire
    She indulges her every desire

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    lol... nice collection. Continue to be scary.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    Enchant Me

    Your very being a desire for answer
    Lament not your unassailable mystery
    Enchant me with your dreams

    5-14-2005

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  4. #4
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    Enjoyed those, Biggus!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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