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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 258

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 258

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 408

    Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
    Kissed the girls and made them cry
    But that was in the nineteen seventies
    And now interests Operation Yewtree

    LILY TOMLIN

    Lily Tomlin always
    Wanted to be somebody
    She could have been
    More specific probably

    A paraphrasing of one of the great Lily Tomlinís gags

    IíVE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER # 2

    Iíve always been an avid reader
    I like books about distant Galaxies
    I canít put down the current one
    Itís a great book about antigravity

    PROFESSIONALS HAVE AN END OF LIFE # 3

    Professionals have an end of life
    Inescapable, though they may try
    Old accountants for example just
    Lose their balance, they never die

    PICKUP # 21

    When youíre on the pull
    If you want to break the ice
    Say something funny
    Or say something nice
    Be devastatingly witty
    Or say something clever
    Be complimentary
    Or just lie in your endeavour
    ďIf I had a star for every time
    You brightened my dayĒ
    You can say to her
    ďI'd have a galaxy to displayĒ

    WHEN I WAS JUST A YOUNG CHILD

    When I was just a young child
    I was subject to multiple attacks
    My father assailed me with cameras
    And I still suffer from flashbacks

    VOCAB

    Itís important to have a good and robust
    Vocabulary, varied and diverse
    And I have learned to my cost
    Had I known the difference between
    The words antidote and anecdote,
    Several lives wouldnít have been lost

    MY COUSIN DIED AFTER BEING STUNG BY A BEE

    My cousin died after being stung by a bee
    Although he didnít have an allergy
    He was over Niagara walking a tightrope
    So when he was stung there was no hope

    MY BEST FRIEND COMES FROM A LONG LINE

    My best friend comes from a long line
    Of kleptomaniacs but he is the laziest of them
    In fact heís so lazy he could win an award
    You really do have to hand it to him...

    I WAS WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ON TV

    I was watching a documentary on TV
    Last night about the viewing audience
    And the decline in their attention spans
    Well I watched some of it in my defense

    THE SHARK DID THE DOLPHIN A FAVOR

    The Shark did the Dolphin a favor
    Though not a big one as favors go
    And paid him back in cephalopods
    Which was kind of Squid pro quo

    I WOULD LOVE TO BE AN ACTOR

    I would love to be an actor,
    But it would be quite absurd
    As I'd always forget the...
    Oh dear, what is the word

    TO SPICE UP MY DREARY LIFE

    To spice up my dreary life
    I chose to hold a sex game
    And threw an orgy last night,
    Unfortunately nobody came

    THE STATE IS WATCHING YOU

    The state is watching you, and
    We live in a ďBig BrotherĒ society
    Of clandestine electronic eavesdropping
    And it really bugs me

    I HAVE VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM

    I have very low self esteem
    And live with low expectations
    And to make matters worse
    I'm terrible at self-deprecation

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    Good ones, Biggus!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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