21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 406

Wee Willie Winkie ran through the town
Upstairs and downstairs in his night-gown
Wee Willie Winkie wasn’t his real name
It was just a very cold night for that game

WHAT IS YOUR EXCERSISE REGIME?

“What is your exercise regime?”
I was asked by my new personal trainer
I said if I already had a regime
I wouldn’t need a personal trainer

MIDDLE AGED EXERCISE

I have found in middle age
When I’m exercising
The best one for my core
Seems to be keeping a fart in

QUASIMODO OF NOTRE DAME

Quasimodo of Notre Dame
Who loved Esmerelda
Always had a hunch
He needed to see a doctor

THE MATHEMATICIAN PONDERED

The mathematician pondered
When he opened the oven door
What the value of pi would be
After being dropped on the floor

OH HOW THEY ALL CRUELLY SCOFFED

Oh how they all cruelly scoffed
When I said that I would one day
Learn the secret of invisibility
If they could only see me now, eh

PICKUP # 19

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past”
You can say to her
“But I can make up for that
By being in your future”

DUE TO THE PITIFUL SIZE

Due to the pitiful size of my
Social circle, a lad’s holiday
With me would definitely look
More like a romantic getaway

ONE THING YOU’LL NEVER HEAR

One thing you’ll never hear,
And there is absolutely no chance
Of anyone hearing a Hindu say
Oh well, you only live once

I’VE GOT VERY SENSITIVE TEETH

I’ve got very sensitive teeth
But I can do nothing bold
I can’t tell the dentist because
They’d be upset that I’d told

I WAS IN SOUTH LONDON

I was in south London
And this bloke I met
Said he would attack me,
If I didn’t make a bet,
With the neck of a guitar,
So I said ‘Is that a fret?’

EVEN NETFLIX HAS COME TO THE CONCLUSION

Even Netflix has come to the conclusion
I watch too much TV, so there’s no doubt,
It doesn’t suggest more box sets to watch
Instead it’s started suggesting I go out

I AM A DOUBTING THOMAS

I am certainly a doubting Thomas
My doubts are quite eclectic
But my disbelieving is such
That I don’t believe in sceptics

MY UNCLE HAD HIS NECK BRACE FITTED

My Uncle had his neck brace fitted
Because he has arthritis in his neck
But in the five years has had the brace
My Uncle has never looked back

WHEN YOU’RE FEELING ON TOP OF THE WORLD

When you’re feeling on top of the world
Don’t fall into the trap and boast
Because one day you're the best thing
Since sliced bread and the next, you're toast