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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 255

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 255

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 405

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
    But no one could be bothered
    To put him back together again

    THE CANARY ISLANDS

    The Canary Islands, as listed
    In geographical catalogues
    Are not named after the birds
    And are really the Isles of Dogs

    GOLF AND PORN

    He was flicking channels between Golf and porn
    So he asked his wife “Which one should I watch eh?”
    “For Heaven's sake, watch the porn” she snapped
    “Golf! That you already know how to play”

    PICKUP # 18

    When you’re on the pull
    If you want to break the ice
    Say something funny
    Or say something nice
    Be devastatingly witty
    Or say something clever
    Be complimentary
    Or just lie in your endeavour
    “Do I know you?”
    You can enquire of her
    “Because you look
    A lot like my next partner”

    MILITARY OBSERVATION

    Don’t take too much comfort
    From having the enemy in view
    Because if the enemy is in range
    Then by extension so are you

    AS THE BOWLER BEARS DOWN

    As the bowler bears down
    The crowd can readily sense
    The batsman’s discomfiture
    And smell the fear as the
    Bowler releases his fast ball
    And rearranges the furniture

    MIDLIFE

    Midlife is when you have to go to the Doctor
    And you realise you are now so degraded
    Because you have reached a period of old age
    Where you pay for a guy to look at you naked

    IF YOU STAND AND LOOK IN THE FULL-LENGTH MIRROR

    If you stand and look in the full-length mirror
    And see a beer belly, bald head, varicose veins
    Strawberry nose, and a complexion like leather
    Think positively, at least your eyesight remains

    AS I’VE GOTTEN OLDER I HAVE FOUND

    As I’ve gotten older I have found that
    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Which is something of a challenge, plus
    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    IT'S SCARY WHEN YOU START MAKING

    It's scary when you start making,
    During any kind of undertaking
    The same noises and exclamations
    As your coffee making contraption

    THE BITTER IRONY OF LIFE IS THAT BY THE TIME

    The bitter irony of life is that by the time,
    By whatever means, reason or rhyme
    You're old enough to know your way
    Around, you're not going anywhere anyway.

    I WAS IN THE APPLE STORE

    I was in the Apple Store being served when I loudly farted
    And the sales guy got mad and we almost came to blows
    More Apple staff and even other customers joined in
    But it wasn’t my fault that they didn't have Windows

    PROFESSIONALS HAVE AN END OF LIFE # 1

    Professionals have an end of life
    Inescapable, though they may try
    Old Lawyers for example just
    Lose their appeal, they never die

    REAR PROPORTIONS

    Bimbette said “Tell me Peachy, do
    These jeans make my bum look big?”
    “Truthfully?” Peaches replied
    “Your bum makes the jeans look big”

    THE HOKEY COKEY # 3

    I’m learning the Hokey Cokey
    After all that’s what it’s all about
    I haven’t learned it all just yet
    But I’ve got all the ins and outs

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    All great, but the Apple Store one was excellent, ha ha!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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