21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 405
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But no one could be bothered
To put him back together again
THE CANARY ISLANDS
The Canary Islands, as listed
In geographical catalogues
Are not named after the birds
And are really the Isles of Dogs
GOLF AND PORN
He was flicking channels between Golf and porn
So he asked his wife “Which one should I watch eh?”
“For Heaven's sake, watch the porn” she snapped
“Golf! That you already know how to play”
PICKUP # 18
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Do I know you?”
You can enquire of her
“Because you look
A lot like my next partner”
MILITARY OBSERVATION
Don’t take too much comfort
From having the enemy in view
Because if the enemy is in range
Then by extension so are you
AS THE BOWLER BEARS DOWN
As the bowler bears down
The crowd can readily sense
The batsman’s discomfiture
And smell the fear as the
Bowler releases his fast ball
And rearranges the furniture
MIDLIFE
Midlife is when you have to go to the Doctor
And you realise you are now so degraded
Because you have reached a period of old age
Where you pay for a guy to look at you naked
IF YOU STAND AND LOOK IN THE FULL-LENGTH MIRROR
If you stand and look in the full-length mirror
And see a beer belly, bald head, varicose veins
Strawberry nose, and a complexion like leather
Think positively, at least your eyesight remains
AS I’VE GOTTEN OLDER I HAVE FOUND
As I’ve gotten older I have found that
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Which is something of a challenge, plus
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
IT'S SCARY WHEN YOU START MAKING
It's scary when you start making,
During any kind of undertaking
The same noises and exclamations
As your coffee making contraption
THE BITTER IRONY OF LIFE IS THAT BY THE TIME
The bitter irony of life is that by the time,
By whatever means, reason or rhyme
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere anyway.
I WAS IN THE APPLE STORE
I was in the Apple Store being served when I loudly farted
And the sales guy got mad and we almost came to blows
More Apple staff and even other customers joined in
But it wasn’t my fault that they didn't have Windows
PROFESSIONALS HAVE AN END OF LIFE # 1
Professionals have an end of life
Inescapable, though they may try
Old Lawyers for example just
Lose their appeal, they never die
REAR PROPORTIONS
Bimbette said “Tell me Peachy, do
These jeans make my bum look big?”
“Truthfully?” Peaches replied
“Your bum makes the jeans look big”
THE HOKEY COKEY # 3
I’m learning the Hokey Cokey
After all that’s what it’s all about
I haven’t learned it all just yet
But I’ve got all the ins and outs