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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 253

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 253

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 403

    Little Miss Muffet
    Sat on a Tuffet
    Why not on a chair?
    The silly mare

    THERE IS A NEW UNIT OF MEASUREMENT

    There is a new unit of measurement
    And I promise it’s not flimflam
    For calculating the weight of a hipster
    The base unit is an Instagram

    SHE WAS SITTING AT THE DINING TABLE

    She was sitting at the dining table
    And I was suspiciously watching
    As she had a pen and graph paper
    So, she was plotting something

    PICKUP # 17

    When you’re on the pull
    If you want to break the ice
    Say something funny
    Or say something nice
    Be devastatingly witty
    Or say something clever
    Be complimentary
    Or just lie in your endeavour
    “Wow are you a computer whiz?”
    You can enquire of her
    “Because it seems you know how
    To turn my software to hardware”

    THE SNAKES NEXT DOOR

    A young snake had been playing in the neighbour’s
    Garden, but returned home in floods of tears
    The Mother asked “What on earth is the matter?
    Tell me what happened to reduce you to tears”
    “They won't let me hiss in their pit, they said I
    Wasn’t good enough because I’m small and thin”
    Mum said “Don't let them upset you Darling,
    I knew them when they didn't have a pit to hiss in”

    THE OCTOBER REVOLUTION

    The October Revolution
    Is something to remember
    But the Russians don’t
    Celebrate it until November

    PERFECT CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, in the heat of an argument,
    “How can you be stupid and beautiful in equal measure?”
    “God made me beautiful, so you would be attracted to me, and
    He made me stupid, so you would be someone I’d treasure”

    THE GAME OF GOLF IS

    The game of Golf is
    A unique sport in my view
    In which your most feared
    Opponent is in fact you.

    NO MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE

    There is a famous quote about God
    Not giving you more than you can handle
    Well there are times that I just wish
    He didn't have quite so much faith in me

    THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

    The difference between
    Cats and dogs is easily seen
    Because Dogs have owners
    Whereas Cats have helpers

    TERRIBLE HOARDING

    I’m a terrible hoarder and if there’s one thing
    I’ve learned about junk, and I’ve learned quite a bit
    Junk is something you've kept for many years
    And throw away three weeks before you need it

    OMNIBUS ETIQUETTE

    “When I was on the bus with Dad,
    He told me to give up my seat to a lady”'
    A little boy told his mum “good boy
    You were right to listen to your daddy”
    “But mum you don’t understand”
    He said “I was sitting on daddy's knee”

    CERTIFICATION SMALL PRINT

    Kate asked, “What are you doing?”
    And her husband replied “Nothing”
    “But you’ve been studying our
    Marriage certificate for an hour”
    He said “Well to be honest Kate
    I was looking for the expiration date”

    DINNER MENU

    “Do you want dinner?”
    Mavis asked her husband Joe
    “Lovely! What are my choices?”
    She replied “Yes or no”

    OLYMPIC CONDOMS

    “My Olympic condoms have arrived”
    A husband told his wife excitedly
    “I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said
    And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly
    “I would rather you wore silver and came
    Second for a change” she replied sweetly

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    No shortage of chuckles in this batch, Biggus!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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