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Thread: amoretic

  1. #1
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    amoretic

    love speaks
    volume
    in different
    tunes

    it is either
    happy
    miserable
    or nodding

    it plays music
    when it approves of
    cubic
    togetherness is therapeutic

    it sobs mountains
    in true
    fountains
    mixed emotions supernova
    it is over

    and it goes flat
    when it looks for
    pats
    there is
    nothing else on
    it goes off track.
    Last edited by cacian; 07-09-2018 at 12:56 PM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  2. #2
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    I like the neologistic title. It's like a combination of amor and erotic. And I especially like the way you have varied your rhyme sounds, using them as you chose. What this poem could use is more meter. You told me once you couldn't do it, but I have definitely noticed your verses picking up a natural and unselfconscious cadence over time. Continue to nurture that. You are getting good at it.

    Another way to improve your poetry (or anyone else's) would be to use more defined images. You talk about love speaking, playing music, etc. That's great, but why not make love a Love--a god or goddess or anthropomorphic abstraction who is a he or a she? Or maybe love is a merry bride or a prankish child or a hungry sphinx--who knows what lives in Cacian's mind. In any case, the more tangible your images, the more vivid your writing will be. You do this already, so it's more an area for further growth.
    Last edited by Pompey Bum; 07-07-2018 at 10:20 AM.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  3. #3
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    "it is either
    happy
    miserable
    or nodding"
    I specially liked the idea of the nodding love.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

  4. #4
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pompey Bum View Post
    I like the neologistic title. It's like a combination of amor and erotic. And I especially like the way you have varied your rhyme sounds, using them as you chose. What this poem could use is more meter. You told me once you couldn't do it, but I have definitely noticed your verses picking up a natural and unselfconscious cadence over time. Continue to nurture that. You are getting good at it.

    Another way to improve your poetry (or anyone else's) would be to use more defined images. You talk about love speaking, playing music, etc. That's great, but why not make love a Love--a god or goddess or anthropomorphic abstraction who is a he or a she? Or maybe love is a merry bride or a prankish child or a hungry sphinx--who knows what lives in Cacian's mind. In any case, the more tangible your images, the more vivid your writing will be. You do this already, so it's more an area for further growth.
    Pompey your feedback is valuable to me.
    I am glad you think I am improving which is brilliant.
    I will keep it at it and take your advice.
    I like the idea of tangible and defined. These are the buzz words i need to have in mind.
    Thank you for that
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  5. #5
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danik 2016 View Post
    "it is either
    happy
    miserable
    or nodding"
    I specially liked the idea of the nodding love.
    Danik thank you
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danik 2016 View Post
    "it is either
    happy
    miserable
    or nodding"
    I specially liked the idea of the nodding love.
    i thought about the same!
    cacian, that's a really good piece of art! love it! thanks for sharing!

  7. #7
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Hownsich thank you
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

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