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Thread: A couple on a Sunday Drive

  1. #1
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    A couple on a Sunday Drive

    There are no disagreements as we drive along,

    encased safely in the car, a road

    split by the center line.

    Practiced vowels, consonants and syllables

    roll predictably with the hum of tires. Each topic

    measured as the roadside poles,

    the conversation’s selected tone

    mirrors the

    ca-thump ca-thump ca-thump

    of the the paved highway joints.



    We stare at the windshield and

    think of things that must be said – instead,

    the words shift, twist, and turn

    in our mouths

    like worms, then sit angrily,

    before we

    brood them out of separate windows in

    silence and



    continue down the road

    somewhere,

    the receding light of the sun

    searching through glass then

    fading

    in the rear window,

    frame by frame

    until the light is

    gone.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Wow. Tony. I'm wondering who, when and how the radio switched on. What tune was playing and what happened next. Great visual.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    I loved the way yoy matched rhythm and content.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

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    Why are double posts so embarrassing?
    Last edited by desiresjab; 06-06-2018 at 08:24 AM.

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    Oh this one has a bunch going for it. It can be taken as a lesson in how to say more than you are saying without getting in the way of yourself. It even verbs a new usage. Huh?

    Everything worked and nothing overworked. I just wonder about the title though. Does it say too much? I think it feels too careful with its two articles and all, and too explanatory. A more vague change might make me agonize with wondering, though I would probably get it worked out fine because of the tone of the words themselves. It is a super poem. Image and drama and language have joined forces magically. It deserves the best. Is there a super title in there too, perhaps hiding in plain sight? No attentive reader is going to feel for an instant that there are three people in this car by reason of the word couple being absent from the title.

  6. #6
    The Gnu Normal Pompey Bum's Avatar
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    Great work, Tony. I'm always going to think there should be more meter, but that's just me. The imagery is awesome.
    And this from a man in a bunny suit.

  7. #7
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danik 2016 View Post
    I loved the way yoy matched rhythm and content.
    Thanks!

  8. #8
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by desiresjab View Post
    Oh this one has a bunch going for it. It can be taken as a lesson in how to say more than you are saying without getting in the way of yourself. It even verbs a new usage. Huh?

    Everything worked and nothing overworked. I just wonder about the title though. Does it say too much? I think it feels too careful with its two articles and all, and too explanatory. A more vague change might make me agonize with wondering, though I would probably get it worked out fine because of the tone of the words themselves. It is a super poem. Image and drama and language have joined forces magically. It deserves the best. Is there a super title in there too, perhaps hiding in plain sight? No attentive reader is going to feel for an instant that there are three people in this car by reason of the word couple being absent from the title.
    Yea, sometimes my titles are opaque. Sometimes not. I try not to make the reader try to figures out knots. I lean heavily to Bukowski, and not a fan of formalism - that comes out alot.

  9. #9
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pompey Bum View Post
    Great work, Tony. I'm always going to think there should be more meter, but that's just me. The imagery is awesome.
    Thanks! yea, meter. This poem is about as close to formalism as i would get now. But i can go a number of ways in writing poetry Good to hear from ya!

  10. #10
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    I truly enjoyed this poem.
    Who has NOT been in this situation at one time or 'nother?
    Great job.
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

  11. #11
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiz_paws View Post
    I truly enjoyed this poem.
    Who has NOT been in this situation at one time or 'nother?
    Great job.
    Very true. It's human. (still better than being alone, though-. me thinks).

  12. #12
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Good job Tony. For a man in a baseball hat you write well

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  13. #13
    A User, but Registered! tonywalt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    Good job Tony. For a man in a baseball hat you write well

    Thanks!

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