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Thread: Debi Hops Again

  1. #1
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Debi Hops Again

    Back in 2013, when this first appeared on the NitLet, Debi’s grammar and spelling skills were a little rusty. Since then she’s gone to college and thus came back here for an upgrade. Five years ago there was a fear that Twinkies were on the brink of extinction, or at least moribund. Since then one surmises they've been reinstated in to the realm of cherished snackfoods. Oh, and Debi and her brood wishes you and yours a Happy Easter, Happy Passover, and any other holiday of your choice.

    The Snotenlockers Hop Down the Bunny Trail

    Men! You can’t live with them. And you can’t live without them. Or so they tell me. Now take my Brad. Please! He’s got this irritating way about him whenever he tries to solve a problem like finding a mislaid item. It begins with a lot of throat-clearing and muttering to himself until it escalates and he ends up making a big production number out of it. Actually he wants me to give him a hand, but God forbid he should come right out and ask for help. Maybe he thinks it makes him look unmanly or something.

    Like the other day he was slamming through my kitchen cabinets and moving everything around. He kept going “Hmmph!” louder and louder until he was sure I heard him. “ I thought it was in here.”

    I asked him what he was looking for, and he goes “My Twinkie.”

    At first I didn’t know what he meant. Then it dawned on me. “I got bad news for you Brad. The company that makes them went out of business. No more Ding Dongs either.” That was no lie, but I did see something in the Paper about Yankee Doodles. You can still get them, but first you have to go to town and have macaroni for lunch.

    “No Twinkies?” he yelled. “That’s a sin!”

    “So is pigging out on junk food in Lent,” I said. “And besides, it’s Holy Week. Have an apple.”

    “Ya mean like Adam and Eve? That’s what started the whole sin stuff in the first place.” He was nowhere around when it was time to buy Easter outfits for the triplets. Bringing them to the Mall is like going to -- well, Purgatory at least. Trip, Trap, and Trick always run off in a hundred directions all at once smashing every piece of expensive merchandise in there* path. When I shop for clothes for them it is easy to find three of the same thing, but hard to pick out the right kind of material cause you never know what the weather is going to be like. It doesn’t matter if Easter comes in March or April. It either hits 90 or it snows. One year I bought them matching woolen suits and they sweated like pigs. So the next year I got them cute cotton outfits and they froze their little butts off.

    Last Easter Brad was in charge of the grocery shopping. Big mistake. He never comes back with the right stuff. I gave him a list. Like I especially wrote White Eggs. But he still got it wrong.

    What was I supposed to do with BROWN eggs? And he goes, “You don’t even have to color ‘em! They already look like chocolate.”

    That was just one of the catastrophes that happened last year. I’m STILL digging up pieces of plastic Easter grass out of the rug. That’s nothin’ cause when I cleaned the house the other day the vacuum sucked up a bunch of tinsel. I wouldn’t mind, but the last time we hung tinsel on our Xmas tree it was 2007.

    Last Easter the triplets had a war ‘cause they all thought their baskets were smaller than their brothers. Trip, Trap, and Trick threw eggs everywhere and started stabbing people with the ears of chocolate bunnies. Then they started squishing marshmallow chicks in each other’s faces. Finally, I had to confiscate all the Easter baskets. I sent all three straight to their room and told them I didn’t want to hear another Peep out of them.

    Milwaukee (my daughter from a previous relationship) is old enough to know better, but I had trouble with her last Easter. She told us she was too big to get an Easter basket, but we just KNEW she’d have kittens if she didn’t get something from Brad and me. So we got her a big chocolate bunny. A nice solid one, not a cheap hollow one. Naturally this offended her. She goes “ I can’t eat a rabbit! You KNOW I’m a vegetarian.”

    Brad laughed at her. “At Christmas you ate a gingerbread man. Does that make you a cannibal?”

    That was last year. Hope this Easter is better. But for us Snotenlockers a holiday is the same as doing penance. Like filling out a tax form or sitting through the DVD of The Greatest Showman. (Maybe Hugh Jackman shouldn’t have clipped his nails.)
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 03-30-2018 at 09:49 PM.

  2. #2
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    Jan 2016
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    Lol! Letīs hope the Snotenlockers Easter is fine. That doesnīt mean peacefull, for they seem
    to enjoy their rows.
    A Happy Easter to you too Aunt Schecky and all Litnetters.
    "I seemed to have sensed also from an early age that some of my experiences as a reader would change me more as a person than would many an event in the world where I sat and read. "
    Gerald Murnane, Tamarisk Row

  3. #3
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    OMG OMG OMG this was funny. I knew you'd written something, and I knew if it was your would be good. So I was contemplating savoring it. But it's past its expiration date. Then again, like
    Hanukkah gelt a few days later, it's still good. Your stuff is always as satisfying as chocolate, which is to say, when you want to eat it, (read it) nothing else compares.

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