ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2
Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn
MIDDLE AGED SEAT
I’m in my middle years now
And my new car is a wow
It’s fast, new and sporty
Just the opposite of me
It is sleekly lined
With its curves well defined
It has a nice interior
The leather is quite superior
My only complaint would be
The bucket seats you see
As they are made to the design
Of a smaller bucket than mine
SENIOR MOMENT AT THE SALON
I walked into a hair salon
With my mother in law one day
With a shop full of customers
I proceeded to loudly say
“How much do you charge
For a shampoo and a blow job?”
I turned around and walked out
Leaving behind a laughing mob
DRINK TO MY HEALTH
I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
A MOTHERS TALE # 2
I was out shopping with the kids one day
And we stopped for lunch at a burger place
We had just begun to eat our burgers
When a smell papered that I couldn’t trace
It was so bad that I couldn’t eat
I checked the baby and she was clean
“Johnny, have you had an accident?”
“No mum,” Johnny replied. “Not me”
The smell got worse and I cursed
As I didn’t bring spare clothes with me
“Are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No mum,” Johnny replied.” not me”
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was really smarting
“Are you really SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
he leaped up like he was departing
Dropped his pants and spread his cheeks
And said “see mum, I was only farting!!”
I AM A REALLY TERRIBLE COOK
I am a really terrible cook
I’ve burnt everything so far
I’m definitely not Cordon Bleu
In fact I’m more Cordon Noir
WHO LED THE ISRAELITES
Who led the Israelites?
On their collective toeses
Through the semi-permeable
Membrane? It was Osmoses
FRED ASTAIRE WAS BELIEVED TO BE
Fred Astaire was believed to be
The greatest Dancer in his field
But Ginger Rodgers did the same
Only backwards and in heels
MY IPHONE IS FROZEN
My iPhone is frozen
My Mac is deceased
My iPad misplaced
And my iPod is dead
In fact all my Apple’s
Have gone pear shaped
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 401
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe
In the middle of the night
And he called for his basins three.
And did a colonic irrigation.