21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400
Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn’t keep
It was doomed from the start
As pumpkin made him fart
MOBILE COMMUNICATION
“I want to buy a mobile phone”
“No I don’t want a camera
Not even video
No I don’t want movie down loads
Screensaver’s, internet access
Or downloads of any kind
I don’t want WAP or Wi-Fi
I don’t need 100 ringtones
10000 free minutes
Or unlimited texts at weekends
I don’t want to play games
I don’t need an MP3 player
I neither want nor need
Blue tooth
Sharks tooth
Hounds tooth
Or dog tooth
What I want is a device
To make and receive phone calls
And texts like wise
I just want to buy a BLOODY PHONE”
“Thank you that one will be perfect
Does it have a torch?”
SEXLESS
Women body builders
Think they look fab
All muscular
And not an inch of flab
With feminine parts
Under triangular tabs
Unfortunately you couldn’t
Sex them in a lab
YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE
The upstairs flat has been sublet
Above our local patisserie
To an attractive young woman
Who wears exotic lingerie
Her pursuits are in nature erotic
Ok she’s a prostitute I will admit
But there are advantages to this
As you can eat your cake and have it
ACUMEN AND WOMEN
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need
CONSTITUTIONAL
Old Joe shuffled his way
Along the promenade one day
He decided it was time to stop
As he passed an ice cream shop
He moved slowly and painfully
And climbed on a stool carefully
After catching his breath a bit
Old Joe ordered a banana split
“Crushed nuts?” asked the waitress
“No,” he replied, “just arthritis.”
HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY
Three old friends walking from
The old folk’s retirement home
“Windy, isn’t it?” said Harry
“No, it’s Thursday!” said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
“So am I let’s get a beer”
ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT
Why is it sound engineers?
When there’s a gig to do
And they have to test the system
Say one two, one two, one two
And at the end of the gig
When there’s packing up to do
They don’t have any testing
But they’re nowhere in view
I think sound engineers
Can only count up to two
Because if they counted up to three
There would be heavy lifting to do
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children
She knows their likes and dislikes,
Who their friends are and who they fancy
Their illnesses, ailments and allergies
She knows the dates of all their matches
Drop off and pick up, Home and away
She knows about appointments for hospital
As well as Doctor, optical and dental
She know about their favourite foods
And the things that make them sick
She know what scares them and why
And what makes them laugh and cry
She knows all about their hopes and dreams
And what they may look for in a spouse
While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
Of some short people living in the house.
ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1
Are you wearing a Pink?
And are dressed as a ballet dancer
Well, all credit to you man
Standing up to breast Cancer
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