21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 399
Little Jack Jingle,
He used to live single;
But his friends got tired
Of his happy single life
And bullied and cajoled
Until he got himself a wife
ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?
Are you wearing Knickerbockers?
Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox
But it looks like the Knickerbockers
Have fallen out with your socks
I SURVIVED TESTICULAR CANCER
I survived testicular cancer, but when
I was in Asda I screamed out in terror
As all I could hear at the checkout was
“Unexpected item in the bagging area”
MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND
My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock
TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD
I believe it’s quite normal
To have voices in my head
Listening to them is usual
Sometimes I argue instead
However, if I were to lose
The argument, I’d be dead
I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED
I was asked who I wanted
To celebrate my birthday
My answer was as easy as ABC
“Anyone but Chardonnay”
I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE AND JOYOUSLY HAPPY
I am deeply in love and joyously happy
In our rewarding, loving Relationship
In fact I am walking on air in my joy
And get a natural high from our elationship
A NOTIONAL MOTION
Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?
THE NAKED TRUTH (1)
Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband “I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment” she sighed
“You have perfect eyesight” He replied
AN ILL WIND
An elderly couple were in church
When about halfway through,
May leant over and whispered
In the ear of her husband Lou,
“I just let out a silent fart
What do you think I should do?”
“I think you should put a new battery
In your hearing aid” Replied Lou
ARGUMENTATIVE
The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument
I FORGET TO EAT
There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things,
Where I parked the car,
My mother’s maiden name,
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat