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Thread: Christmas 2017 # 7

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    Christmas 2017 # 7

    IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

    Is Santa Claus really a woman?
    How ridiculous, no way
    They can’t parallel park a car
    How would they cope with a sleigh?

    PLASTIC CHRISTMAS

    Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
    Now Prancer and Vixen
    On Comet, On Cupid
    On Donner, On Blitzen
    So the plastic Santa’s say
    Down at the mall
    But shoppers have a verse
    That serves one and all
    Now charge it, now defer it
    No cash and No cheques
    On store card, on visa
    On MasterCard and A-mex

    A MOTHERS CHRISTMAS TALE

    I have worked for Ebenezer Scrooge all year
    A man devoid of any sign of Christmas cheer
    I’ve avoided being kissed by the office Romeo
    By navigating the office avoiding mistletoe
    As the time is ticking towards Christmas day
    I could have done with a little help along the way
    I’ve dealt with shoppers impatient and rude
    But I tried to stay cheerful while I queued
    I’ve bought all the presents the paper and bows
    I’ve put up with all the countless ho ho ho’s
    I’ve got all the groceries and gallons of booze
    While you sat in front of the telly and snoozed
    I’ve decked the halls I’ve trimmed the tree
    I’ve wrapped all the presents from you and me
    I’ve written all the Christmas cards to everyone
    Which I hand delivered though I posted some
    I’ve cleaned the whole house from bottom to top
    I’ve washed and ironed till I’m ready to drop
    I’ve prepared the veg, I’ve stuffed the bird
    I’ve hung the stockings and you’ve not stirred
    And the very second I take a minute for me
    The first thing I hear is “Mum, what’s for tea”
    So to Santa Claus I make my annual plea
    For a very special present just for me
    Just one year I would like to escape this stress
    So that I too can have a merry Christmas

    CHRISTMAS CHILL

    Enjoy your Christmas day in peace
    Avoid any kind of quarrel or wrangle
    Chill out, relax and enjoy the day
    And don’t get your tinsel in a tangle

    RUDOLF’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

    Rudolf suffered
    From low self esteem
    Due to the red nose
    It would seem

    It rendered him useless
    As a parcel carrier
    So Santa made a call
    To a reindeer whisperer

    WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY

    We went to a fairy tale party
    Which I thought was crappy
    I ended up feeling grumpy
    While my wife was felling happy

    THE LAST REINDEER

    A reindeer walked into a pub,
    And ordered a pint of beer.
    The barman pulled a pint
    And gave it to the reindeer,

    The reindeer took the drink
    And handed over a ten
    He checked his change
    Then he checked it again

    The barman then said
    "You’re the first reindeer
    I think I’m right in saying
    That we've had in here."

    He delivered to the barman
    A look, barely disguised
    “To be honest at these prices
    I'm really not surprised”

    CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

    Christmas planning is essential
    Or else the festive ambience suffers
    And you will not easily be forgiven
    If you forget the stocking stuffer’s

    FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

    Come Christmas day
    I will be full of Christmas spirit
    Buck fizz with my breakfast
    Is only the start of it
    Then a sherry with the vicar
    After the candles have been lit
    And aperitif before lunch
    Maybe Vodka or a Gin and it
    Wine with every course
    Brandy when the pudding is lit
    Liqueur with coffee
    Then more brandy as we sit
    Then when the day is over
    I whish shoe a ferry Hacky Fhrismit

    CHRISTMAS MANIA

    Uncle John has mental health issues
    And he doesn’t do well with stress
    So normally come Christmas time
    He has to board the bi-polar express

    THE BIG FELLA’S R & R

    After circumnavigating the globe
    Staring at the back end of Prancer
    Santa Claus really looks forward
    To watching a north pole dancer

    SANTA’S HELPER

    Santa has helpers at Christmas
    To get him through the season
    Then he rests pretty much until Easter
    He claims fatigue is the reason
    And he is unable to fulfil his duties
    Satisfying his cute little yelper
    So he bought Mrs Claus a new toy
    To make his neglected wife purr
    It came with plenty of batteries
    It’s known as Santa Big helper

    THE BIG FELLA’S R & R AGAIN

    After circumnavigating the globe
    The reins of his sleigh in his hand
    The only thought on his mind
    Is his wife’s winter wonderland

    TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

    Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
    Was shrouded in silence all down the road
    But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
    They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

    CHRISTMAS DAY FOR THE POOR

    Christmas day for the poor,
    Hold very little surprise
    For them it’s just another day
    In a sparkling disguise

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    That "Mother's Christmas Tale" was awesome! Well done indeed.
    Full Of Christmas Spirit? Ha ha, laffing my arse off!
    Loved all of them, Biggus.
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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  4. #4
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    The bi-polar express and north pole dancer ones were pretty good as were the rest.

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