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Thread: Christmas 2017 # 6

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    Christmas 2017 # 6

    IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4

    Is Santa Claus really a woman?
    Why are we having this debate?
    If Santa was a woman
    How would she navigate?
    My wife got lost last week
    In a car park in Ramsgate

    CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS

    Every Christmas day is the same
    The Browns come round for lunch
    I dread the time as it approaches
    There a bloody awful bunch
    He’s an opinionated git
    She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
    Their kids run amuck unchecked
    Causing trouble and strife
    They drink all my booze
    And eat every crumb of food
    They’re uncouth and vulgar
    Obnoxious and just plain rude
    They are a truly horrible family
    I wish I could show them the door
    They have no redeeming features
    God I hate my brother in law

    CHRISTMAS CHEER

    I went to the pub with my brother
    For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
    While my wife cooked the dinner
    And washed up at the sink
    We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
    Full of Christmas cheer and gin
    We got home ready for Christmas lunch
    And found it in the bin

    THREE WISE ONES Reprised

    The three wise men
    Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
    And arrived after the birth
    They stood and viewed the scene in awe
    And knelt reverently in the lords presence
    Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

    The three wise women
    Would have stopped to ask directions
    And arrived before the birth
    They would have delivered the baby
    Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
    Before giving the baby really useful gifts

    The three wise women
    Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
    “A virgin not likely, I know the family”
    “That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
    “Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
    “That Joseph is on the social you know”
    “Well a lift home would have been nice”
    “That angel was really snooty”

    BREAKFAST TIME COMES

    Breakfast time comes
    Just after day breaks
    When Frosty the snowman
    Eats his Snowflakes

    TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

    Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
    Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
    They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
    And the living room floor was all covered in mud

    IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

    It was the office Christmas party
    Where I met my girl Lottie
    I felt really out of place
    Every girl there was totty
    I was out of my comfort zone
    They were all pouty and hottie
    I was just about to go home
    When she said “Are you Scottie?”
    I said “yes how did you know?”
    “I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
    So you could ask me to dance”
    I looked at her like she was Potty
    She just smiled at me patiently
    I smiled back and said “What me?”
    She nodded and smiled again
    And was swept off my feet by Lottie

    ARCTIC EDUCATION

    At the North Pole
    If an education is sought
    You won’t get any training
    Everyone is Elf taught

    GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

    Grandma got run over by a reindeer
    When into the roadway she strayed
    It was an accident waiting to happen
    Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

    A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

    A man bought a Christmas tree
    He got it off the shelf
    But he was rushed to A & E
    After putting it up himself

    THE SANTA CLAUSE

    When I was a child
    I believed in Santa Claus
    When I got older
    I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
    When I became a parent
    I was Santa Claus
    Now I have grandchildren
    I look like Santa Claus

    IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

    If the stork was to visit
    Santa and Mrs. Claus
    The child would naturally be called
    The subordinate Claus

    LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY

    Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
    A ladies handkerchief set
    But in the end changed her mind
    She didn’t know what size to get

    IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

    When all the work is done
    In the great north pole halls
    The elves dress up for dancing
    For their Christmas Balls!

    I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

    I've always loved my Santa
    Since first we kissed
    And he loves me because
    I’m on the naughty list

  2. #2
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Nice ones about being elf taught and being on the naughty list and the four versions of Santa Claus over the years. Merry Christmas!

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  4. #4
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    Loved 'em all!
    Especially Christmas With The Browns (ha ha ha!!), and the 'eating snowflakes' one.
    Hope your Christmas was special, Biggus.
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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  6. #6
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    It was that and more...
    see my Blog, lol!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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