IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Let’s silence those objections
How would he navigate the globe?
And all its many intersections
When a man is totally incapable
Of ever asking for directions
OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT
My mum got me a jumper
That fits what it touched
My sister got me novelty socks
That didn’t cost very much
My dad got me a Philishave
To shave between my spots
My Nan got me a scarf
And a box of jelly tots
But it’s the identity
That I would like to know
Of who got me the condoms
Tied up with a bow
A WINTER WONDERLAND
My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear
MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME
I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2
The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry
SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS
It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court
And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
And In keeping with the season
Was inclined to show a little latitude
"Now then, what is the charge against you?"
He asked the unfortunate prisoner
The man in the dock replied
"I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
What do you mean by “very early” man”?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
"It was an hour before the shop was open."
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
CHRISTMAS POST
Mildred went to the post office
To buy stamps for her Christmas cards
“What denomination do you want?”
She was asked by Mr Everard
“That’s political correctness gone mad,
Has it come to this?” said she
“You’d better give me a book of Catholic
And a book of C of E”
MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2
My worst Christmas present ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
Really tatty and really not fun
When I complained to my dad
And declared it worse than socks
He said I should be more grateful
To receive my very own ex-box
To make things so much worse
My dad thought it was quite nifty
If you then spun the box around
To make an ex-box 360
CHRISTMAS SERVICE
It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the morning service the waiting minister
Was eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”
MITHRAS
Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December
Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras
YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF
You are a naughty little Elf
Do you behave yourself?
By the look upon your face
You’re no stranger to disgrace
So it is my Christmas wish
To share a Christmas kiss
So climb upon me knee
And you will quickly see
I have that special touch
That you’ll like very much
When I curl your toes
Inside your ho ho hose
IT WAS IN THE BELFRY
It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high
ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?
Are you wearing tinsel in your hair?
Sitting atop your golden curls
You look so very angelic to me
A jewel more precious than pearls
But looks can be deceiving
Angel with the golden curls
And later on I might well discover
You’re one of the naughty girls
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3
I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking