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Thread: Christmas 2017 # 5

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    Christmas 2017 # 5

    IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3

    Is Santa Claus really a woman?
    Let’s silence those objections
    How would he navigate the globe?
    And all its many intersections
    When a man is totally incapable
    Of ever asking for directions

    OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT

    My mum got me a jumper
    That fits what it touched
    My sister got me novelty socks
    That didn’t cost very much
    My dad got me a Philishave
    To shave between my spots
    My Nan got me a scarf
    And a box of jelly tots
    But it’s the identity
    That I would like to know
    Of who got me the condoms
    Tied up with a bow

    A WINTER WONDERLAND

    My bell rings, are you listening,
    On your face, your lips are glistening,
    A beautiful sight,
    I’ll be happy tonight,
    Rummaging in your winter underwear

    MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

    I mustn’t leave my shopping,
    My wife has made it clear to me,
    Until late on Christmas Eve
    For my Christmas won’t be merry
    If all she gets is cheap perfume
    And more slutty lingerie

    THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

    The best Christmas actor of all time
    Will this one isn’t actually very
    But she sounds like she should be
    And so the winner is Holly Berry

    SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS

    It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court
    And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
    And In keeping with the season
    Was inclined to show a little latitude
    "Now then, what is the charge against you?"
    He asked the unfortunate prisoner
    The man in the dock replied
    "I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
    "That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
    What do you mean by “very early” man”?
    "Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
    "It was an hour before the shop was open."

    A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3

    For those born on Christmas day
    They miss out, which is a shame
    But to rub salt into the wound
    Give them a Christmas name

    CHRISTMAS POST

    Mildred went to the post office
    To buy stamps for her Christmas cards
    “What denomination do you want?”
    She was asked by Mr Everard
    “That’s political correctness gone mad,
    Has it come to this?” said she
    “You’d better give me a book of Catholic
    And a book of C of E”

    MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2

    My worst Christmas present ever
    Was when I got an empty carton
    All dog-eared and flattened out
    Really tatty and really not fun

    When I complained to my dad
    And declared it worse than socks
    He said I should be more grateful
    To receive my very own ex-box

    To make things so much worse
    My dad thought it was quite nifty
    If you then spun the box around
    To make an ex-box 360

    CHRISTMAS SERVICE

    It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
    And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn
    And for the morning service the waiting minister
    Was eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
    The clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
    I don’t suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
    The farmer replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
    If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”

    MITHRAS

    Mithras was a pagan faith
    Older than we can remember
    And the festival was held
    Towards the end of December

    Thank God it’s been replaced
    By the festival of Christmas
    Otherwise we’d have to wish
    Everyone a merry Mithras

    YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF

    You are a naughty little Elf
    Do you behave yourself?
    By the look upon your face
    You’re no stranger to disgrace
    So it is my Christmas wish
    To share a Christmas kiss
    So climb upon me knee
    And you will quickly see
    I have that special touch
    That you’ll like very much
    When I curl your toes
    Inside your ho ho hose

    IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

    It was in the belfry
    On Christmas Eve
    High in the tower
    I tried to retrieve
    A poor little kitten
    Who was stuck
    When suddenly
    The bell was struck
    I lost my footing
    And began to fall
    I thought this is
    The end of it all
    So I had onto grab
    Or surely die
    My Ding dong
    Merrily on high

    ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?

    Are you wearing tinsel in your hair?
    Sitting atop your golden curls
    You look so very angelic to me
    A jewel more precious than pearls
    But looks can be deceiving
    Angel with the golden curls
    And later on I might well discover
    You’re one of the naughty girls

    I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

    I've always loved my Santa
    But you might find this shocking
    I’ve never loved him more
    Than when his hand is on my stocking

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    Ha ha ha!
    My favorite would be the 'ex-box' one, hilarious!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

  3. #3
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I agree with kiz paws, nice one about the ex-box 360. Nice ones about the lone farmer going to the Christmas service and the kid being born on Christmas and the guy who didn't know when the store opened. Merry Mithras!

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