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Thread: Christmas 2017 # 2

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    Christmas 2017 # 2

    ICE THAT WILL BEAR THE WEIGHT OF SANTA

    Ice that will, before Christmas,
    Bear the weight of Santa
    Will not, according to folklore,
    Bear the weight of an Elf after

    I AM THE UNBEATEN MASTER AT TRIVIAL PURSUIT

    I am the unbeaten master at Trivial Pursuit
    At the annual Christmas family sessions
    But then I do have an advantage, because
    We play with my original set of questions

    IF FROM ALL THE BEST CHRISTMAS SHOWS

    If from all the best Christmas shows
    I had to pick only five
    For me it would be any Christmas show
    By Morecambe and Wise

    ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SPATS?

    Are you wearing Christmas spats?
    Well I don’t like them much
    But I have to admit that the motif
    Of holly is a very nice touch

    CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

    “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
    That’s Christmas day with Stephen
    But I only have myself to blame
    For marrying a sodding vegan

    RISQUÉ OR RUDE

    If you do something at Christmas
    That’s either risqué or rude
    Then don’t be at all surprised
    If it ends up on Yule Tube

    INSULTED SANTA

    The local shopping Mall Santa
    Turned out to be a very grumpy chap
    When a little girl put a bin bag down
    Just before she sat on his lap

    MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

    My worst Christmas present ever
    Without a doubt, I have concluded
    Was when I received a box of batteries
    Labelled “toys not included”

    THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

    Three men died on Christmas Eve
    And were stood before St Peter
    “You must all pass a simple test
    Before you are allowed to enter”

    “So produce a symbol of the season
    Either on or about your person”

    The first man retrieved a bauble
    From his overcoat pocket
    And St Peter turned to the gate
    And proceeded to unlock it

    St Peter said “You are blessed
    Because you have passed the test”

    The next man took a red bow
    From his overcoat pocket
    And St Peter turned to the gate
    And proceeded to unlock it

    St Peter said “You are blessed
    Because you have passed the test”

    The last man took a pair of panties
    From his overcoat pocket
    St Peter stood fast before the gate
    And made no effort to unlock it

    St Peter said “You are not blessed
    Because you have failed the test”

    “In what way do a pair of knickers
    Symbolized the Christmas season
    I fail to see how they are appropriate
    So enlighten me as to the reason”

    So the man proceeded to explain
    “A young woman’s intimate apparels
    Are without a doubt appropriate
    When they happen to be carols”

    IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

    It was another SUV Christmas
    Thanks to my significant other
    No not that kind of SUV, I got
    Socks, Underwear and Viagra

  2. #2
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    OMG, these are crazy funny!!
    Started my day with a smile for sure, sir!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

  3. #3
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I liked the one about toys not included best, but then there is the one about carol that is pretty good as well. And the trivial pursuit one. And the one about Santa's weight.

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