WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1
When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells
A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE
A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle
MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND
My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock
ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP
“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways
MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER
My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription
ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?
Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385
“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”
LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE
Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring
ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE
One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”
WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1
When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal