My current diet is causing some strange and unexpected changes in my behavior; namely that to mitigate my daily hunger pains I have started finding food “sexy.”
Gone, (or perhaps subdued), has gone an obsessive daily appreciation of slim, cool, long legged, Asian beauties.
Now I research food blogs during the day and nightly find myself dreaming of exotic Italian dishes like “carne alla pizzaiola,” or “Roman style chicken with bell peppers.”
However, this in itself is giving rise to what some would consider mild deviant considerations. But then how can one react in a sensible and objective fashion, when the stomach is rumbling and it’s another six hours to go to a Spartan salad and tap water?
Let me give you some examples of my dilemma:
Soft Roes On Toast:
I adore them. The contrast between the soft gaminess of the roes, the layer of melting butter on hot toast and a squeeze of sharp lemon on top evokes nostalgia for my childhood. It has become a rare taste now, not found on many menus. Perhaps it is because soft roes are the sperm of the herring. I see no place for squeamishness on the issue, but I know that many of you might not feel the same way. Also it is interesting to note that while so many fish are in declining numbers, the seas are awash with herring roes. Towards the end of the year, a third of a male herring’s body weight is roe. This is because herrings mate by spraying their roes into the sea. You see what I mean? We start off with a fishy dish but now have images of maritime orgies!
Tricolor Italian Meatballs:
There is of course the introductory foreplay outlined in a description of “Deeply delicious meatballs, swimming in a spicy, garlicky bath of tomato sauce, enrobed in molten mozzarella and peppered with herbs.”
But then we move onto the recipe technique of being instructed to “Gently place your balls into the bubbling sauce and toss them around until they’re tomato coated and glossy.”
Beer Can Jerk Chicken with Pineapple & Mango Salsa:
In this rather unusual Notting Hill Carnival dish we are instructed to empty, (presumably drink) half a can of Red Stripe Jamaican beer and impale a chicken upright at the open end. There then follows a description of the need to put on latex gloves and layer the chicken with a gloop, (technical term) of herbs & very hot chopped up Scotch bonnet chili, prior to sticking it all in the oven. One wonders, if when snapping on the gloves and approaching the bird the appropriate phrase might be “Cough please.” After all, a happy chicken is a tasty chicken.
Rough Tough Gentleman’s Pie.
If this pie were a person, it would be a beast of a man; what is termed “a bit of rough” in some quarters. A red flannel shirt wearing, 6ft 4 inch hod carrier with shoulders so broad they would barely fit through doorway. Gruff stubble on his chin and a growl to his voice, he’d smell of earth and clean sweat and his laugh would make your beer tremble. The dish itself comprises a macho mixture of steak, Guinness and seriously strong cheese for the pie filling, while the pastry is that vulnerable side of man with a crispy, soft vessel for all that gravy. Even here reference is made to refrigerating the pie filling the day before to avoid a soggy bottom on the pastry.
Marmite Soldiers Dipped in Soft Boiled Eggs:
Images of Nigella Lawson with lowered lids and the oven on Gas Mark 5, demonstrating how to eat this simple yet expressive masterpiece.
Slutty Brownies:
No, I’m not going there.
Time for a cold shower followed by research into: peppered mackerel cheesecake with English asparagus, twice cooked smoked pork belly, stuffed pigs head, Yorkshire sausage patty, sage mash, watercress and bacon crisp, and strawberry tea infused mini raisin scones, home-made saffron clotted cream and Yorkshire lemon curd.
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