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Thread: Personal Ad Correspondence

  1. #1
    Ecurb Ecurb's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    Eugene, OR

    Personal Ad Correspondence

    SF, 38, seeks SM for walks, talks, beer, organic foods, dancing and thrifting. Brains, books, a bicycle, a brilliant smile, live music, and interest in left wing politics a plus. Reply to Box 70341
    Dear Box 70341,

    You’re looking for a leftwinger? I don’t mean to brag, but when I was a child, my family thought Ho Chi Minh was a moderate liberal. I wrote in “Fidel Castro” on one presidential ballot. I think Alexander Solzhenetzien DESERVED to be put in that gulag.

    While other children were celebrating The Fourth of July, Easter, and Christmas, my family celebrated May Day, Lenin’s birthday, and the assassination of Garfield. We never SOLD secrets to the Russians, we gave them away. In fact, we paid the KGB to take them. Unfortunately, we didn’t know much that actually helped the Russian cause, and a KGB higher-up once offered my father half a million kopeks to “shut up and go away.”

    I learned quickly to snitch on my neighbors’ counter-revolutionary activities. As a six-year-old, I informed Comrade Bolkonsky (our KGB “contact”) that Mrs. Fleisher, my first grade teacher, was forcing us to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I begged him to have her assassinated, ideally with one of those poison-tipped umbrellas, but nothing ever came of it. Disillusioned, I tried to rat out my mother for saying a toy I wanted to play with was “my brother’s”. She’d read everything Freidrich Engels had ever written, and she could still utter counter-revolutionary drivel like this. Comrade Bolkonsky listened politely, but then told me to “maintain complete radio silence” unless I ever found out anything about the “Star Wars” missile defense system.

    Of course these are hard times for us left wingers. The Soviet Union has collapsed. The money from the KGB has dried up. Many of us have been forced to either work within the capitalist system, or live on trust funds and inheritances.

    Oh! For those halcyon days of yore! Days when you could make a good buck spying on your own country! Days when giants (like the Rosenbergs) walked the earth! Days when heroes like Josef Stalin killed tens of millions of their own countrymen for our glorious cause! When will we see their like again?

    I have no idea whether this letter will reach you. The CIA still intercepts most of my mail. As a result, I dare not include my address or instructions as to how or where we might meet. And yet, with my “cell” dwindling to practically nothing (just me and my cat Marshall Tito), I long to introduce myself to potential new members. I will contact you later with further instructions. If a stranger wearing a beret tells you, “The red moon rises at midnight over the eastern plain,” you are to reply, “Same to you, Bub.” (Alternative wording: “So’s your mother.”) Good luck, comrade.


    Mail Box #58567

    Dear Mail Box 58567,

    Yuk, yuk, yuk. That’s some funny stuff, Comrade, but you didn’t tell me if you are interested in “walks, talks, beer, organic foods, dancing and thrifting”. Or if you have, “Brains, books, a bicycle, and a brilliant smile.” After all, this is a dating website and, much as I find the notion of world revolution exciting, perhaps we should stick to getting to know each other in more prosaic and traditional ways before we embark on missions which could end not only our relationship, but our lives.

    Still, your creativity leads me to hope I hear from you again, and until then I remain, sincerely yours,

    Box 70341

    Dear Box 70341

    Re. your questions, I am loaded with brains, books, bicycles, a brilliant smile, and everything else that begins with the letter “b”, not excluding an impolite term related to the digestive processes of male cattle. In fact (and this is a coincidence equaled only by the harmonic convergence), my name begins with the letter “B”. Since you like books, my “b” literary anecdote is about Branwell Bronte, brother of the famous sisters, who, according to legend, could translate plain English into Greek and Latin simultaneously, holding a pen in each hand. Hey, that has to be as good a talent as writing Wuthering Heights.

    I’m sure we can have fun with walks, talks, live music, beer, films, organic food, and dancing. But I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with “thrifting”, even once I learn what the heck it is. I believe “thrift” is a counter-revolutionary virtue. Also, it sounds horrible, like sifting through a junkyard without knowing what you’re looking for.

    Hopefully Yours,

    Box 58567

    Dear Box 58567,

    Despite his initials of “B. B.”, I continue to prefer Charlotte, Emily and Anne to Branwell. Those ladies could write, even if it WAS in plain English.

    I’m tempted to meet with you some time, but I fear it might be exhausting. Perhaps we had better remain mere pen pals. If you can write a normal response, without showing off, I might change my mind. If not, our brief encounter has been a pleasure and I remain

    Cordially Yours,

    Box 70341.

  2. #2
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
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    Mar 2014
    Very humorous and enjoyable read. Ending a little flat, but not a big problem. I like the epistle form of this story as a device. It is a refreshing format change from the usual.

  3. #3
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    Jan 2016
    Beyond nowhere
    Very funny!
    Relieved to learn that I´m not the only person that doesn´t know what the heck thrifting is.
    I agree with Dato about the end. It looks a bit as if you weren´t so sure what to do about those two cuties.
    The marxistic-leninistic aproach is surely meant as a joke as the writer switches very easily to Branwell Bronte.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

  4. #4
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Oct 2010
    Near Chicago, Illinois USA
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    I liked this sentence: "Those ladies could write, even if it WAS in plain English."

  5. #5
    Ecurb Ecurb's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    Eugene, OR
    Thanks. I know it's flat -- right now it's nothing but jokes with no relationship. I might (if I get motivated) try to keep the jokes, but add a little relationship stuff.

    p.s. I can't say that I know the Branwell Bronte story is true -- but I did read it somewhere (I forget where). Quite the party trick, if true.
    Last edited by Ecurb; 03-24-2017 at 11:42 AM.

  6. #6
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    Sep 2009
    San Diego Calif.
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    G.D. this was funny. Entertaining as all get-out! Loved it.

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