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Thread: Greece without You --- please give me feedback

  1. #1
    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Greece without You --- please give me feedback

    My phone is messing up the line breaks. Will fix it later. Please give me feedback.




    Greece without You

    A russet convoy snakes up the parched mountain slope,
    towards a grove of sacred pines they crawl,
    a procession of little larvae punks, ready to devour
    those trees so like the ones in our forest,
    when you spotted Ursa Major and dawdled in the starlit breeze.
    Theseus, my reluctant conqueror.

    The boys re-enact the race at the stadium in the midday blaze.
    One says his thing is a metre long, we just can't see it
    because he coils it up and my boyfriend is a tramp
    who haunts the stairs of the cathedral.
    I think of your tailored blazer and make no reply.

    In Athens, viewing marble acanthus tendrils on an ancient market square,
    one tells me you are vicious and I chuckle,
    squinting in the setting sun.
    They don't know who you are.

    Evenings of juvenile intoxication, the drunk slither around me in the chilly hotel lobby.
    Room "eikosi ena" and the stoic terracotta-mounted ferns watch their gyrations.
    One sends me to police an orgy, thankless task for the virgin wh**e.
    But the cats howl more loudly than the revellers and the bin men arrive in our street at two,
    so sleep is not an option and I guard the solitary room.

    Did I write you a postcard? I don't remember.
    I know you wrote from London years later,
    a few terse words on the go:
    "Everything is going according to plan.
    Take care. See you soon."
    Last edited by SleepyWitch; 03-16-2017 at 06:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I like the story, but I don't know enough about it. There is a couple, the "I" and the "you", who appear to be potential, if not actual, lovers who run into revelers. The couple don't stay together but exchange maybe two postcards years later. Everything hinges on this couple for why the poem is being presented, but I know more about the juveniles who are getting intoxicated than I do about them. The line "Theseus, my reluctant conqueror." could be about the boyfriend, but it could also be some fact from out of the blue.

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YesNo View Post
    I like the story, but I don't know enough about it. There is a couple, the "I" and the "you", who appear to be potential, if not actual, lovers who run into revelers. The couple don't stay together but exchange maybe two postcards years later. Everything hinges on this couple for why the poem is being presented, but I know more about the juveniles who are getting intoxicated than I do about them. The line "Theseus, my reluctant conqueror." could be about the boyfriend, but it could also be some fact from out of the blue.
    Thanks for your reply!
    The poem is meant to be a bit of a mystery, but I might have made it too mysterious. I'll think of a way to make it a bit clearer.
    Do you think the boyfriend is with the girl friend and the group? Do you think the girl friend is part of the group?

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    Difficult to unravel but no matter. 'When you spotted Ursa Major and dawdled in the starlit breeze' of course the breeze can not be lit but that's the magic of poetry.

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magnocrat View Post
    Difficult to unravel but no matter. 'When you spotted Ursa Major and dawdled in the starlit breeze' of course the breeze can not be lit but that's the magic of poetry.
    Thanks!

  6. #6
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SleepyWitch View Post
    Thanks for your reply!
    The poem is meant to be a bit of a mystery, but I might have made it too mysterious. I'll think of a way to make it a bit clearer.
    Do you think the boyfriend is with the girl friend and the group? Do you think the girl friend is part of the group?
    I thought the girl may have been part of the group, but not the boy. The boy had a "tailored blazer" but nothing tailored would fit my image of this group. Also members of the group warned her about him. She was familiar with the group, but he was not.

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YesNo View Post
    I thought the girl may have been part of the group, but not the boy. The boy had a "tailored blazer" but nothing tailored would fit my image of this group. Also members of the group warned her about him. She was familiar with the group, but he was not.
    Yes, that's right. Thanks.

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