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Thread: December 1999

  1. #1
    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    December 1999

    This is my first poem in ages. Please have mercy. Not sure whether it needs another line at the end.
    Feedback?


    December 1999

    Northbound on Hitler's motorway,
    the thudding concrete slabs,
    metronomes of a winter journey.
    A rose on the dashboard -
    "Where should I keep that?" you snapped.
    "They'll find out."
    But your eyes defied them, unusually soft.
    Haydn's Symphony 45.
    Flash of light.
    "What if they send a photo?"
    "They won't. My dad's just got a ticket."
    I remember the feel of your thigh;
    Black jeans and brogues, your delicate knee
    and then the Baroque town in the rain.
    You left me to see the sights,
    the streets too wide, forlorn traffic lights.
    We turned heads at the stuffy café.
    Night fell early on the forest,
    a rushed hour on the way back.
    Last edited by SleepyWitch; 05-08-2017 at 03:12 PM.

  2. #2
    ..many images..flows well..


    ..sp
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  3. #3
    :) Stephweet :) stephofthenight's Avatar
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    This flows very well, though I do agree it seems to cut off abruptly, perhaps another line or two?

    "Be careful of quotes you find on the internet, they may not always be true" -Abraham Lincon-

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spiros Zafiris View Post
    ..many images..flows well..


    ..sp
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    Thanks!
    Sorry, I only saw your reply now.

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephofthenight View Post
    This flows very well, though I do agree it seems to cut off abruptly, perhaps another line or two?
    Thanks. Yes, I need to come up with a better ending.

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    On the contrary, the last 8 lines are perfect. It's the rest that needs to go. What comes before is just a jumble of expressions and statements. These may have been useful in creating the mindset you needed to created the poem, but they do not help it once the voice and substance has coalesced into something quite beautiful. In fact the only thing I'd change about the last eight lines would be to exchange the full stop after 'thigh' for a semicolon.

    Thanks for sharing. Live and be well. H

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    On the contrary, the last 8 lines are perfect. It's the rest that needs to go. What comes before is just a jumble of expressions and statements. These may have been useful in creating the mindset you needed to created the poem, but they do not help it once the voice and substance has coalesced into something quite beautiful. In fact the only thing I'd change about the last eight lines would be to exchange the full stop after 'thigh' for a semicolon.

    Thanks for sharing. Live and be well. H
    Thanks, good point about the semicolon; I've changed that. But I'm not going to delete the other lines. They are fragments of memories, not just random phrases. I do understand that they wouldn't necessarily make as much sense to the reader as they make to me, but they are still necessary.
    Thanks for your feedback

  8. #8
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    You're right up my street

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

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    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SleepyWitch View Post
    Thanks, good point about the semicolon; I've changed that. But I'm not going to delete the other lines. They are fragments of memories, not just random phrases. I do understand that they wouldn't necessarily make as much sense to the reader as they make to me, but they are still necessary.
    Thanks for your feedback
    For me the first lines create the context of the poem. For example:"Hitler's motorway" must be somewhere in Germany. There is the contrast between the personal details and the fleeting impressions that come up during the winter journey: the music, the lights, the rose. Itīs like a scene in a film.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

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    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danik 2016 View Post
    For me the first lines create the context of the poem. For example:"Hitler's motorway" must be somewhere in Germany. There is the contrast between the personal details and the fleeting impressions that come up during the winter journey: the music, the lights, the rose. Itīs like a scene in a film.
    Thanks Haha, I'm glad you said that. A person on another forum got it completely wrong. For some reason they thought the poem was about drug trafficking in Hitler's time or something crazy like that Haha, I know that the poem is vague, but it's not that vague.

  11. #11
    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    You're right up my street
    Thanks! Eh, was that a pun?

  12. #12
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    Lol. Canīt say if there was any drug trafficking going on at Hitlerīs time. That seems to me a practice of later times when the world got more globalized.
    What I like most about your poem is the "modernistic touch", the scene created aut of movement, references, sensations.
    The dialogue about the photo is not quite clear to me, but I donīt know if thatīs important. The poem suggests things, it doesnīt explain them.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

  13. #13
    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danik 2016 View Post
    Lol. Canīt say if there was any drug trafficking going on at Hitlerīs time. That seems to me a practice of later times when the world got more globalized.
    What I like most about your poem is the "modernistic touch", the scene created aut of movement, references, sensations.
    The dialogue about the photo is not quite clear to me, but I donīt know if thatīs important. The poem suggests things, it doesnīt explain them.
    Thanks again

  14. #14
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    No pun intended. Meant it literally. I like the style of your writing

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  15. #15
    Suzerain of Cost&Caution SleepyWitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    No pun intended. Meant it literally. I like the style of your writing
    Thanks

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