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Thread: The Search Within

  1. #61
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    An Aside.....12
    By the year twenty four and half, the l.s. had read almost all the classics written or translated in the language of our past masters---whether these were authored by the literally giants or the religious icons. While critically evaluating the ‘words’ of the masters, the most glaring lacunae he found, which had him floored! When he had listed their revelations in black and white and by the time had prepared a comparative chart of their celestial ‘revelations’, and ‘words’---about the multifarious phenomena of life, resurrection, final judgment, Moksh (libration from the bondage of the cycle of birth and death), Nirvan, death, re-incarnation and God: he, surprisingly found that their ‘revelations’ were completely at variance with each other! Not had two masters agreed on any one of these ‘gospels’. Their treatises on these ‘subjects’ differed.
    So far he had been led to believe that all the prophets, messiahs, Avathaars(God in human form) had only one message to proclaim to humanity; the brotherhood of man, and the universal-hood of God. But what they actually conveyed was totally different in content as well as in precept! This baffled him the most.
    By this age his body had been wizened by its non-stop over-indulgence of physical pranks. He had realized all bodies behave in similar fashion in bed. That all bodies are same in nature! By loving one, one can fulfill one’s physical evolvement! This realization came, though early in life but not before it had spent lacks of ill-gotten money! (In late fifties and early sixties, earning lacs in a month and spending it too, was a lot of money!) After all, fast life had its positive side effects also! He went through so much, in such a short span of life that he had lived his life to its brim and there were no more physical heights to achieve; no more adventure to seek. He had extended and expended ten times more than the flights of his imagination. He had performed, in physical parlance, ten times beyond his physical endurance.
    Thus having fulfilled his physical indulgences, which by now had started to bore him due to the similarity of reactions, familiarities of places, repeating same tricks of the trade, when he decided to put a stop to this (dark) side of his personality and began devoting more time to his other side, his inner being, trying to find answers to questions nagging his brain! Uppermost were: How the first man was born? Wherefrom he came? How the Creation came into being and who created it? What type of being He is? How is His brain? What is the purpose of this life? Why death? He did not want to be born, so why should he die either? He was quite afraid of death. He just wanted to run away to far off dense jungles and escape from the clutches of death! Eventually it led him there. But that is another story. These questions haunted him day and night.
    By now reading some Upanishads and the ‘works’ of Adhi Shankaraachaarya, especially Vivekchuddamani, and his commentary on Brahamsuther and, above all the synthesis of these all---the Srimadh Bhaagavath Geetha (celestial song of Lord Krshan), he found in theory, answers to most of his questions! But the interest in reading tickled his brain to raise deeper and deeper queries. However the more he read, the deeper his quest would go and his questions became more subtle. No master was satisfying his quest; no scripture could quench his thirst of ‘knowledge’! Fortunately his job and postings were such and there was always ample time and funds at his disposal. He utilized them profusely in the procurement of books and read voraciously. And believe me; he guzzled carts loads of books. Books on each and every subject except of course the mathematics. On whatever he laid his hands on, he read that, excepting again, the pornography as he have had enough of that in his practical life, as well as in the secret dens of his perverted mind. There were pleasure chambers, torture cells and what not. Nothing was bad enough for him which he did not read and tried in practice. Being an avid reader and voyeur of the night life, whenever he visited a city, he used to know only three types of places---bookshops, bars and pleasure houses!
    Gradually the shine of wine and woman lost its sparkle and there remained only the quest for ‘knowledge.’ As books too became scarce, and also his level of quest had gone still deeper, he now preferred and sought the company of masters. He sought them in the far flung corners of the country. He visited the holy places of all religions, as no distinction existed in his mind. He also had the rare privilege at those places to have ‘darsan’ (being at the lotus feet of the holy masters) ---of the ‘enlightened’ ones’, who actually had the elements in their control! This far, however, he was an atheist especially to this aspect of the divinity that no human being could be God incarnate! All this transpired much before his fiasco in marriage, which anyway (mis-) happened at age twenty eight and half.
    By age 42, he had encountered quite a few phenomena in life, which very fortunate few are destined to witness and have ‘glimpses’ of. Accidents, physical ailments---due to excessive drinking, constant financial ups and downs, serious litigations on murder charges, dismissal from service---and subsequent re-instatement through the intervention of the High Court---suspension from service etc, were some of the varied experiences his colorful life went through. A permanent black spot on character, a fortunate or a misadventure at age thirty-two lead ultimately to another phase in life. A very understanding young girl, sequel to the ‘protected marriage’ failure, entered as second life partner in his life. His first marriage was a complete disaster, especially for the wife. She was very devout and a pious lady, but he was a mismatch for her. They had two handsome sons but nothing seemed to go right. Their constant mutual accusations and fighting in their presence had the most disastrous effects on the congenial development of their minds. The l.s. still carries a burden in his conscience, which is of irreparable regret and repentance and shall go with him to the pyre. This repentance or remorse is not because of their mismatch or the ultimate separation of ways, but due to the fact that he felt he was the cause of spoiling the lives of two ladies---what ever the merit or demerits of their entry in his life may have been! He thought that he should have adopted the way---which he later chose, the God’s way; instead of seeking the solace of another woman. He never was a women’s commodity. He paid a heavy price for being a family man: in terms of health, wealth, intellectual blockage, and above all wastage of precious time and energy in playing the roles he was hardly equipped or destined for. This side of his character is also reflective in his life till age forty two: as neither he could be an honest officer, nor completely a dishonest one; neither moral nor immoral; neither wise nor the dumb! He was the mixture of all these negative and positive tendencies, till the door of the Divinity was opened to him and floodgates of effulgent rays cushioned his ultimate plunge in the chasm of the unknown depths!
    Last edited by little-self; 06-15-2017 at 08:30 PM.
    The more i learn more i become aware of my ignorance
    Awareness of ignorance is wisdom

  2. #62
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    An Aside.....13
    Financial responsibilities of three families: being the only bread earner of a big family---fathers’ legacy or his destiny’s un-discharged debt: constant feuds with big bosses, politicians and the resultant drunken brawls---were some of the common features of his daily life till age twenty four and half. Every morning when he got up, the biggest surprise for him used to be, that he was still alive! All the accompanying vices continued, excepting extramarital relationships, though in moderation till he was forty two.
    Despite this alienated behavior, his passion for reading and risky adventures, putting life to brimming extremes, were his usual pastimes. Reading philosophical works, especially abstract thoughts, was a passion with him, which he relished most. Incidentally it still persists in him, though in a different mode. Now he composes them impromptu. He had developed high degree of imagination, and simultaneously its contrast, the ‘killers’ instinct. Reading for ten to eighteen hours in a day was quite normal a routine, excepting during the days, which were though rare, he was down with the morning hangovers. This routine lasted for twenty-four years, excepting, of course, the lean periods when he was posted on non-lucrative posts. This period in modern lingo can also be described as the ‘five stars’ or ‘jet set’ culture. During this period he had acquired a mammoth data that were systematically stored in the memory chambers of his brain---subject wise and in chronological order. He had a top class memory. In a ‘limited’ sense he was a ‘walking’ encyclopedia, and this was not a shallow boast! There was not a subject about whose available knowledge he was not aware of! (But he was very poor in grammar and still is!). And this helped him in his, occasional bouts of seclusions. His imagination powered him to create, in his mind, his own imaginative ‘worlds’, after getting exhausted by exploring the existing ones.
    Then everything changed: This rationalist atheist was confronted with the ‘manifestation’ of Divinity in human form. His whole world changed. The evil streak in him---which would ruin whosoever came into his contact, suddenly took an about turn. The ‘self’ that consumed all that came its way, transformed the course of its quest. Earlier its every endeavor was aimed at negating the existence of God, now it got diverted to Him. Perhaps subconsciously he had been preparing his little self for this very purpose! As without firstly acquiring the known knowledge of the worldly sciences, hidden knowledge (intelligence) cannot be known. By knowing the physical sciences, inner ‘knowledge’ reveals itself, because the conscious that pervades the cosmos, permeates the individual cells too.
    The first thing that he did thereafter was, to de-hoard all the data that had been acquired so strenuously during the last twenty-four years of his life. This exercise continued during the next sixteen years of his period in service. As soon as he realized the fullness of its travails and enormity, he preferred to quit his job and sought premature voluntary retirement. Now he is relishing its aftermaths---the enjoining fruits. From worldly point of view, it was an extreme step, as there was every hope of his being promoted to the last but one step of the departmental hierarchy, that of the head of the dep’t. And he had been cleared for the next promotion during the last days of the expiry of the three months’ notice. Before putting in his papers, he had been manning four very important branches of the department: three of which carried the price tag of Rs. 50-100 (appx.100, 000Dollars) lacs each, as bribe to the political bosses. This was the going price in those days.
    Since January 87, i.e., ten years before he demitted his office, his life had been spotless in every respect. This was not a sudden decision---that of being honest. He had started its practice much earlier. From eighty-two (1982), since Divinity had ‘entered’ his life in ‘living’ form, the days of his vagrancy were over! Very few people believed that his ongoing transformation was real. Even those who were very close to him doubted his intentions, right till the end---when he quit his job.
    The more i learn more i become aware of my ignorance
    Awareness of ignorance is wisdom

  3. #63
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    An Aside.....14
    The most interesting episode of his post retirement period is that though he has been leading a life of an honest person since 1987, the’ parasites’ whom he nurtured once and had discarded during his prime times, still believed him to be worth 100 billions rupees. Because going by the life styles of his former colleagues and the plum postings he held during the long tenure of his service, this is a very conservative figure. The rates of illegal gratification in a prosperous state like Punjab, were really very high, but quite normal considering the level of corruption in other spheres of public life including politicians, bureaucrats, especially the IAS, PCS and State Services; Police, especially IPS and State cadre officers; Judiciary in general, leaving aside a few amongst the higher hierarchy. This moral pollution and religiosity morass has seeped deep into the lives of the high middle class.
    Opting out of such a situation and above all being reconciled with the changing atmosphere is very difficult and revolting, especially for the family members and the friendly circle. One is totally outcast by the society; scorned and hated. Even behavior of the loved ones is no different. For a struggling aspirant, it was a life of a forced converted ascetic, who need not seek secluded caves as the society itself becomes a hell of a cell!
    But for the ‘little-self’ this was not an un-treaded path or a novel experience, as he had always cherished only one dream and that was to be just alone in the deepest conscious of the Self of his self. Even when he was drunk and lost, he loved the company of his self, though at that time he did not know its ‘meaning’. Today even without intoxicants, he is enjoying the inexplicable joys that an enlightened Self can bestow, in howsoever infinitesimal quantum It is ‘activated’. He is not a yogi or an enlightened soul; but surely, without the inherent burden of the self (individual), his inner-Self often ‘bestows’ him glimpses, which transport him into blissful swoons, lasting sometimes for days together. It is all His blessing and the ‘glimpse’ of His grace!
    Life has not been easy and rosy, even after the advent of the Master in his life! From the worldly point of view he had to go through much harder times. Even during the formative period, i.e. from 1982 till January 1987, when he finally awakened to the call of his conscience and bid goodbye to his half-hearted, mid-way path; that of neither being totally honest or dishonest. He was not able to stoop so low to accept or share booty from ill-gotten money usurped from the sale of those essential commodities, which were meant for the poor. Wheat and rice worth crores of rupees were siphoned off from the railway rakes at the dispatching stations by short loading with the connivance of the railways and Food Corporation’s authorities. Even essential commodities which were hardly consumed in prosperous state of Punjab were not spared. Kerosene oil, sugar, wheat, wheat atta (flour), pulses and other essential commodities, not lifted by the upper strata of the society, were sold in the black market and the loot was equally distributed amongst the corrupt elements. This monthly collection ran into crore(billions) of rupees in each district of the state. That is the reason that to get a post as district head, i.e. as District Food and Supplies Controller, in any ‘A’ class district, the asking price used to be between Rs 50 lakhs to 100 lakhs(appx.100,000dollars). He has the first hand knowledge, because he had been on such postings for over ten years.
    I have to give a glimpse of his past life not to soil the clean minds of the good hearted people but to establish his credentials with those elite who will understand only the language they are familiar with. Like him, recounting that period of his life is very painful for me, because it is full of trash and filth, which I would not like to uncover to soil my conscience too. Not that conscience is such a fragile ‘object’ that would shatter just with the waves of thoughts, howsoever pernicious these might be. But dirt always leaves behind dirt, whatever precautions one may take.
    The price that every conscientious person has to pay, who is smitten with the bug of conscience, was not enough to deter him from the chosen path. Like others, he too was forsaken by everyone, including the ‘dear ones’. Even his closest friends never had complete trust in his integrity and honesty. Every honest person has a tale of turbulence and trials. So it is needless to repeat the same old stories.
    The more i learn more i become aware of my ignorance
    Awareness of ignorance is wisdom

  4. #64
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    An Aside.....15
    But the biggest trauma of his life was, when he was labeled a butcher in the department where earlier he had enjoyed a tag of popularity and generosity. It so happened that while small surviving breed of honest senior officers used his skills and honesty in cleansing the system, which obviously resulted in a spate of dismissals and suspensions, on the other hand the corrupt bureaucrats and politicians used his skills and expertise for their own nefarious designs. They used him to catch the big fish, so that they could later devour them and let them off the net by destroying the case files or by awarding them minor punishments. This stratagem not only filled their coffers but brought in their net all the remaining corrupt elements of the department too; and they enjoyed the riches like Maharajas at his cost. This was intolerable indeed for a ‘person’ who had stood his ground and had never let any temptation distract him from his chosen path, or self-imposed discipline. It was not worn around the body like ornaments but like a tight noose of non-indulgence which was self-willed, and subsequently helped in mastering the mind to the extent humanly possible.
    Let us have a preview of the present state of the consciousness that his present ‘person’ beholds, known as the ‘little self’. The purpose is not to glorify him but to remove any misgivings of his comrade brothers who mistakenly label themselves as atheists. One amongst many of their notions about the negative role of the religion is that it makes the ‘believers’ live a life of illusions, besides indulging in Hadh-Yog Sadhnas (extreme body endurance practices for the realization of the Self) of self denials. According to them, a religious person’s mindset is always tainted with self-hypnosis to the extent of compelling him to adopt a pessimistic attitude in life. What a preposterous mis-statement!
    Let us begin with the state of mind of the ‘person’ at age thirty-two, because that was the age when the course of his quest turned vertically, from his utopia of superficial super-ego to the real life reality. Till so far he had been compromising his ‘real’ i.e. normal life with the make-believe life. Whatever he had actually wanted to be or do somehow had always been superimposed with the wishes of others. Just for the sake of making the lives of his ‘dear ones’ more comfortable, he invariably found his own desires being pushed under the carpet. His real “i’ was always the victim of circumstances, resulting in unfulfilled desires, unbaked ambitions, constantly falling short of his goals. Though he had equipped himself with impeccable tools and was capable enough to achieve any ambition in the mundane life or attain to any intellectual heights, but alas this was not to be! However he could not change his inner voice, which impelled him to help others, give his dear ones the first priority, and make way for others! In nutshell he never really lived for himself, but for others. He was made that way. People around him however had different view. For them he was the re-incarnation of Satan, who ruthlessly crushed the feelings of others and lived only for the fulfillment of his sensual desires. But it was also a hard fact he laundered more than eighty percent of his ill-gotten money on others, whether they were his near or dears or strangers.
    Whatever I know of him, he always wanted to have a beautiful woman around him, who had to be of simple demeanor, but intellectually of high standard, with whom he could have long discourses on Reality, origin of life and Creation etc! Three women came into his life but he could click with none, at intellectual plane. Perhaps psychologist would surmise that he was married to his ideal (-lism).
    His marriage was a disaster, from day one. Imagine a person like him who was used to the western lifestyle, yet—marrying a woman without having looked at her even once. He married the woman, who was three years senior. She was chosen for him by his eldest sister. It was to appease his father, who had forsaken his food till he agreed. He has had not a morsel of food for three days and was determined to continue his fast!
    Another woman had entered his life---five years after the first fiasco. She was exactly like him and, in a way, they shared many commonalties especially the negative traits, viz. disrespect for life, whether be it of others or theirs’: scant regard for values: least consideration for relations: suicidal tendencies: no vision. Though he had two sons from his first wife and was thirty six, playing with life and death, putting life, money, carrier and bonds of human relationship at risk to the point of no return were their playthings, which they heartily relished! They hated the society and above all, their ownselves. Since they understood each other’s shortcomings and mental deprivations, they decided to share their lives and become the partners-in-life. Nothing less nothing more! An unwritten agreement, between two outcasts of society! And to hell with that society! They were really a wonderful couple! That she would prove a wonderful companion and play the role of a Bhaaratiya’s Nari (an orthodox Indian women) was, something he had never imagined and bargained for! They were aware that they did not, perhaps could never love each other yet they opted for each other! A unique example of western influence that had just entered our lives and had started sucking the jugular veins of our culture, which had stood the test of times and preserved the finer sensitivities in this society thus far.
    The more i learn more i become aware of my ignorance
    Awareness of ignorance is wisdom

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