An Aside.....12
By the year twenty four and half, the l.s. had read almost all the classics written or translated in the language of our past masters---whether these were authored by the literally giants or the religious icons. While critically evaluating the ‘words’ of the masters, the most glaring lacunae he found, which had him floored! When he had listed their revelations in black and white and by the time had prepared a comparative chart of their celestial ‘revelations’, and ‘words’---about the multifarious phenomena of life, resurrection, final judgment, Moksh (libration from the bondage of the cycle of birth and death), Nirvan, death, re-incarnation and God: he, surprisingly found that their ‘revelations’ were completely at variance with each other! Not had two masters agreed on any one of these ‘gospels’. Their treatises on these ‘subjects’ differed.
So far he had been led to believe that all the prophets, messiahs, Avathaars(God in human form) had only one message to proclaim to humanity; the brotherhood of man, and the universal-hood of God. But what they actually conveyed was totally different in content as well as in precept! This baffled him the most.
By this age his body had been wizened by its non-stop over-indulgence of physical pranks. He had realized all bodies behave in similar fashion in bed. That all bodies are same in nature! By loving one, one can fulfill one’s physical evolvement! This realization came, though early in life but not before it had spent lacks of ill-gotten money! (In late fifties and early sixties, earning lacs in a month and spending it too, was a lot of money!) After all, fast life had its positive side effects also! He went through so much, in such a short span of life that he had lived his life to its brim and there were no more physical heights to achieve; no more adventure to seek. He had extended and expended ten times more than the flights of his imagination. He had performed, in physical parlance, ten times beyond his physical endurance.
Thus having fulfilled his physical indulgences, which by now had started to bore him due to the similarity of reactions, familiarities of places, repeating same tricks of the trade, when he decided to put a stop to this (dark) side of his personality and began devoting more time to his other side, his inner being, trying to find answers to questions nagging his brain! Uppermost were: How the first man was born? Wherefrom he came? How the Creation came into being and who created it? What type of being He is? How is His brain? What is the purpose of this life? Why death? He did not want to be born, so why should he die either? He was quite afraid of death. He just wanted to run away to far off dense jungles and escape from the clutches of death! Eventually it led him there. But that is another story. These questions haunted him day and night.
By now reading some Upanishads and the ‘works’ of Adhi Shankaraachaarya, especially Vivekchuddamani, and his commentary on Brahamsuther and, above all the synthesis of these all---the Srimadh Bhaagavath Geetha (celestial song of Lord Krshan), he found in theory, answers to most of his questions! But the interest in reading tickled his brain to raise deeper and deeper queries. However the more he read, the deeper his quest would go and his questions became more subtle. No master was satisfying his quest; no scripture could quench his thirst of ‘knowledge’! Fortunately his job and postings were such and there was always ample time and funds at his disposal. He utilized them profusely in the procurement of books and read voraciously. And believe me; he guzzled carts loads of books. Books on each and every subject except of course the mathematics. On whatever he laid his hands on, he read that, excepting again, the pornography as he have had enough of that in his practical life, as well as in the secret dens of his perverted mind. There were pleasure chambers, torture cells and what not. Nothing was bad enough for him which he did not read and tried in practice. Being an avid reader and voyeur of the night life, whenever he visited a city, he used to know only three types of places---bookshops, bars and pleasure houses!
Gradually the shine of wine and woman lost its sparkle and there remained only the quest for ‘knowledge.’ As books too became scarce, and also his level of quest had gone still deeper, he now preferred and sought the company of masters. He sought them in the far flung corners of the country. He visited the holy places of all religions, as no distinction existed in his mind. He also had the rare privilege at those places to have ‘darsan’ (being at the lotus feet of the holy masters) ---of the ‘enlightened’ ones’, who actually had the elements in their control! This far, however, he was an atheist especially to this aspect of the divinity that no human being could be God incarnate! All this transpired much before his fiasco in marriage, which anyway (mis-) happened at age twenty eight and half.
By age 42, he had encountered quite a few phenomena in life, which very fortunate few are destined to witness and have ‘glimpses’ of. Accidents, physical ailments---due to excessive drinking, constant financial ups and downs, serious litigations on murder charges, dismissal from service---and subsequent re-instatement through the intervention of the High Court---suspension from service etc, were some of the varied experiences his colorful life went through. A permanent black spot on character, a fortunate or a misadventure at age thirty-two lead ultimately to another phase in life. A very understanding young girl, sequel to the ‘protected marriage’ failure, entered as second life partner in his life. His first marriage was a complete disaster, especially for the wife. She was very devout and a pious lady, but he was a mismatch for her. They had two handsome sons but nothing seemed to go right. Their constant mutual accusations and fighting in their presence had the most disastrous effects on the congenial development of their minds. The l.s. still carries a burden in his conscience, which is of irreparable regret and repentance and shall go with him to the pyre. This repentance or remorse is not because of their mismatch or the ultimate separation of ways, but due to the fact that he felt he was the cause of spoiling the lives of two ladies---what ever the merit or demerits of their entry in his life may have been! He thought that he should have adopted the way---which he later chose, the God’s way; instead of seeking the solace of another woman. He never was a women’s commodity. He paid a heavy price for being a family man: in terms of health, wealth, intellectual blockage, and above all wastage of precious time and energy in playing the roles he was hardly equipped or destined for. This side of his character is also reflective in his life till age forty two: as neither he could be an honest officer, nor completely a dishonest one; neither moral nor immoral; neither wise nor the dumb! He was the mixture of all these negative and positive tendencies, till the door of the Divinity was opened to him and floodgates of effulgent rays cushioned his ultimate plunge in the chasm of the unknown depths!