[Redacted]
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Last edited by Grit; 04-04-2017 at 10:54 PM.
While the truncheon may be used
in lieu of conversation,
words will always retain their power.
Words offer the means to meaning,
and for those who will listen,
the enunciation of truth.
---SPOILERS---
It was an entertaining little story with certain satirical elements permeating throughout.
Satire wise, you touch upon the subjects of gun control, internet culture, and the desensitization of youth, whereby 500 million people are viewing the live-stream of a deranged, washed up, former porn actress/lottery winner -- and then nonchalantly and sarcastically commenting on the poetic, gruesome retribution of her obliterating her former zany named abusers with a 200 million dollar handheld weapon of mass destruction.
Good:
Prose is tight; not too purple, not too simple.
I like your descriptive capabilities; for example, "she cradled a glass of Coppola Cabernet."
Punctuation is on mark; the text flows very nicely.
No complaints as for the syntax either.
Grammar is surprisingly off in regards to the "it's/its" rule, and "your/you're"
Examples: but Carol preferred humanity in it’s awkward glory to the cold efficiency of machines
to deliver death in it’s most efficient form,” Marvin said.
A sharp hiss from the death factory’s spherical chamber as a slot opened up on it’s front
“Jesus lady, your crazy"
Its sick, but you can’t let it hold you down.
Other:
In this line here you superfluously indicate the sentence was said by Shaun:
“My name is Shaun, if you ever cared to ask, and I’m only polite when necessary,” Shaun said.
"The jeep twisted in on itself, a wormhole, before light consumed the vehicle and obliterated everything illuminated. "
This is a little confusing. A wormhole?
End notes:
I really liked the gun store description, it kind of reminded me of the game Ratchet and Clank, with all the funky weapons and the names and all.
This sentence really cracked me up: Carol lived in a tiny two-bedroom slum dog apartment with a bi-polar saxophone player named Hailey.
The anon commentary is also pretty hilarious.
Needless to say, I think I'll go make myself some pancakes.
Last edited by Zudonim3; 02-13-2017 at 03:13 PM.
Very nice revenge story.
You guys can won the real lottery at soicau3mien.com - host by vu 3 cang
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