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Thread: Votey Oh-Dough

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    Votey Oh-Dough

    Votey Oh-Dough

    We’re not supposed to discuss politics on the NitLet -thank God!– but apparently we can post satirical pieces that aren’t too “acutely current,” to borrow a phrase from MAD magazine”s submission guidelines. (But don’t worry, this stuff isn’t current. It first appeared here about six years ago. Nobody can say Auntie doesn’t recycle.)

    On this coming Tuesday, November 8, in “these” United States, the long national nightmare will at last be over. (Or we certainly hope so.) Of course I’m talking Election Day, though as evident by their choice of lascivious subtopics, pundits on both sides must think “Election” is spelled with an “r” instead of an “l,” if you catch my drift. Even so, they aren’t far off the mark. As I said on this site before, voting is a lot like sex.

    For instance, when you get to the polling place you go into a “very, very” * private space, close the curtain, and pull the lever. Before you know it, you’re done! The differences are that after sex you usually don’t get a sticker –and six weeks later you don’t get a summons for jury duty.

    The main speaker in the piece below shouldn’t serve on a jury–he should be in front of one. You be the judge.



    Good afternoon, ladies, and welcome to our meeting of the East Hogwash Chapter of the League of Disgruntled Women Voters. Right now I have the distinct honor of introducing our special speaker today. Please put your hands together for the man who put the “pain” in “campaign”, the honorable Glibban Slimey, who hopes to be re-elected as representative of the forty-third legislative region, District 6.5, in the first Cleaver Ward. Mr. Slimey. . .

    Good morning. My fellow Americans, I come to you today with a heavy heart. Perhaps it was a result of the beef burrito I had at the Hispanic Heritage Dinner last night, or the corn dogs at the VFW hall, or maybe it was the extra helping of kielbasa at the Polish Community Center. Erp! Er, pardon me.

    Many of you may already know me. You may have received my latest flyer with my family’s portrait, including my non-threatening wife, Dixie, and my two lovely daughters, Jenna and Fond du Lac. You know that I am just an ordinary citizen just like you. That is why the photo on the front of the brochure shows yours truly mowing the lawn, just as so many of you do – although most of you probably don’t cut the grass in a three-piece suit. (Speaking of “grass,” drugs are bad.)

    My concerns are the same as YOUR concerns. For instance, my opponent believes that we can solve the crisis in education by throwing money at it. This will not solve the problem. It’s not the money, it’s the principle. Also the assistant principal, the vice-principal, and the assistant vice-principal. Make no mistake, my fellow Americans, no teachers’ union will be left behind. We CAN solve the problem in our schools, AND we can do it by cutting YOUR taxes.

    On the campaign trail, many people come up to me and say, “Glibby, what about health care?” Well sir, I am here to tell you that Glibban Slimey has your health in his hands. When I am elected, I solemnly vow to make the world SAFE from erectile dysfunction, restless leg syndrome, and the heartbreak of toenail fungus. AND I will do this without increasing YOUR taxes.


    My fellow Americans, I implore you not to pay attention to the vicious smear campaign waged by my opponent, who, may I say, never met a lobbyist he didn’t like. Neither have I, but that’s beside the point. And while I do not wish to dignify some of my opponent’s false charges with a reply, his allegation was ingenious, I mean, disingenuous. He was wrong when he said that I had been planning to run away with a female intern to join a splinter religious cult. Let me say this about that: I did not have sects with that woman! And another thing I didn’t do was raise YOUR taxes.

    Soon Election Day will be here, and just as quickly it will be gone. When this race is over, I won’t lie to you, I am going to go home, relax, and kick back. (Well, maybe “kick back” is not the right word choice.) But until that day, it will be a long, hard slog. And I need your help. Come Election Day, please get your Photo I.D.,your Proof of Citizenship, and your complete financial portfolio ready so you can exercise your right to vote. Please cast your ballot for me, the honorable Glibban Slimey, and I promise you that you won’t see hide nor hair of me for four more years. Except of course, for the campaign signs on your front lawn, which I promise to remove by Christma– -er, Holiday. Did I mention that I will remove them without raising YOUR taxes?

    And finally, may the god of your choice bless America. And while He is blessing us, I won’t raise YOUR taxes.


    *
    For some reason, the aforementioned pundits are physically unable to utter the word “very” only once. They are compelled to say it twice, like “shocked,” (shocked.)
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 11-05-2016 at 05:35 PM.

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    Nice part about the god of your choice blessing America.

    I used to tell people that I don't pay attention to politics, but I still vote. This time around I am more concerned about being able to plead the fifth about who I voted for, especially when my relatives ask me, since they will assume I voted for someone they didn't vote for, which is probably right.

    Anyway, the Cubs won. This isn't good news for everyone and I went to sleep before the game ended figuring they would drag it out four or five innings just for the historical significance of it.

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    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    Wow!
    No tax raising in that country.
    I´m getting my passport!
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

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    Thanks Yes/No and Danik.

    Full disclosure: the "god of your choice" line was "borrowed" from a line by country singer Kinky Friedman who at one time unsuccessfully ran for governor of Texas.

    Although a lifelong fan of a competing NL team, I still have to say I'm glad the Cubs won, after the franchise had been shut out of the championship for over a century. What's a little unsettling, however, is the fact that jokes listing "signs of the Apocalypse" often include the up-to-recently beleaguered Chicago team. Same with cataclysmic earthquakes, floods, and other highly unusual events such as (ahem) occurred in my country yesterday. We'll might bode ill. Or maybe not. (See how non-partisan I am, Moderators?)

    Opinions about taxes depend on one's lot in life. The well-off like to see taxes cut, often resulting in fewer governmental services. Folks on the lower end of the economic ladder often find their income tax rate is higher than the rate for those with higher incomes. Cf. "The Buffet Rule"-- Warren, not Jimmy, though some of us could use a margarita today.

    Keep in mind the old saying that the two certainties in life are death and taxes. I've added a third-- dirty bathrooms. You can avoid washing dishes by using paper plates, you can put off doing laundry, but sooner or later somebody is going to have to scrub that stinkin' toilet.

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    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    In my country the folks at the lower end of the ladder proportionally pay higher income taxes than the well to do.

    I´m not getting my passport after all, but I´m happy to see you bear with humour the tsunamis of life.

    And I hope some one helps you with that bathroom.
    Last edited by Danik 2016; 11-10-2016 at 11:14 AM.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

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    A general non political point. It seems a man can get away with vile and inapropiate conduct, whereas a woman must be damned for the slightest mistake.
    ay up

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    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
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    And the damnation very often takes the form of sexual slander.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

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    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    Although a lifelong fan of a competing NL team, I still have to say I'm glad the Cubs won, after the franchise had been shut out of the championship for over a century. What's a little unsettling, however, is the fact that jokes listing "signs of the Apocalypse" often include the up-to-recently beleaguered Chicago team. Same with cataclysmic earthquakes, floods, and other highly unusual events such as (ahem) occurred in my country yesterday. We'll might bode ill. Or maybe not. (See how non-partisan I am, Moderators?)
    Now that the Cubs won, we might as well get the Apocalypse over with as well.

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    Quote Originally Posted by YesNo View Post
    Now that the Cubs won, we might as well get the Apocalypse over with as well.
    Probably no worry about apocalypse that was not already there. Some men are a slave to popularity, if you know what I mean. It is time to be adored. Some positions like total denial of climate change will prove to be too unpopular. Well, that is always debatable, isn't it? Americans will go along with about anything if it brings jobs--jobs for others, of course, for no one actually wants to work themselves, they just want to see as many others as possible working. People will eat out of a sewer to see others working.

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    Whoops! Double post.

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    Who knows? Government by tweet may be exactly what the young world was waiting for. It will make people feel more involved to read fresh tweets between heads of state, and it could put the Assanges out of business, or at least change their business model. Of course, now, folks are going to need a steady diet once they become addicted to barbed exchanges between Whomever and Whomever. Ahem! Yes, keep us involved, sir, and on the edge of our collective seats--so involved that nothing ever gets done, which was the whole point, for no progress is quite better than some alternatives.

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    I have a twitter and facebook account, but I don't use them.

    When things happen it doesn't mean what happened is good or bad just because it went the way we wanted it to go. For example, take the Cubs. They won. Chicago is happy. We think the "gods of our choice" are on our side until we suspect they aren't. The Indians lost. Cleveland is sad. They are like Job crying in the desert or where ever he cried. Or perhaps they have forgotten about it by now. True. The curse of the billy goat has been lifted, but what goes around comes around.

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