I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA
I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous
I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at **** crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago
I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE
According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date
MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS
Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
Didn’t know whether to laugh or cry
BURNING ALL HER BILLS
My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378
Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick
YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”
WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT
We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma
MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES
My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.