God, show me the way
Please show me the light of the day
I've grown restless to see the sun
I've grown tired of being young
Young and so afraid
Trapped inside this prison
Of devilish thoughts
This fear of going insane
Constantly consuming my brain
A man once told me I needed to keep on walking
Keep on living
He lit his final cigarette
And and he said without a single regret
If you don't live like you're dying,
than you are already dead
Nice two lines at the end.
There is a section here with poetry challenges that you might find interesting: http://www.online-literature.com/for...s-amp-Contests
It is a way to practice and build up a collection of poems you can later use on your blog or elsewhere although probably not for submitting to journals since whatever is posted here is considered to be "published".
Last edited by YesNo; 08-13-2016 at 10:28 AM.
Hey, thank you! I appreciate all the feedback I can get.
This is a ripoff of a Nashville hit a few years back.
Live Like You Were Dying, performed by Tim McGraw.Originally Posted by desiresjab
Uhhh don't even listen to country but okay?? lol
this sounds nothing at all like a "nashville hit", especially considering I don't like country music at all, this came from my head a couple of days ago completely randomly and I was incredibly proud of it but thanks for your feedback!
Last edited by idontknow15; 08-14-2016 at 02:27 AM.
Craig Wiseman, James Nichols and Tim Nichols were awfully proud of it, too.
All you've got is that hook, and they already used it as their hook in a country song of the year, or some such thing. Just facts. Try harder.
I see nothing wrong with filling the world with silly love songs. Or heartbreak songs.
I agree with desiresjab that the hook is important. Many poets today don't even have that. That doesn't stop them from filling the world with silly nonsense.
For improvement, you now need to get the reader interested in that hook. The goal is to make sure the reader finishes the poem and then wants to read it again. I like using rhyme to do that, but there is also meter and alliteration and if one phrases it right prose works too.
Last edited by YesNo; 08-14-2016 at 09:27 AM.
The thing with my writing though is it is very expressive and spur of the moment so sometimes I'm not too fixated on a hook when it is really personal, but when I'm actually trying to write something interesting I usually do spend a while trying to think of a good hook.
Last edited by idontknow15; 08-14-2016 at 02:49 PM.
I can guarantee you that this poem has nothing to do with anything about those people, like I said considering I do not like nor listen to country whatsoever.
If you'd like to know the meaning, I'm talking about how I've had to experience a huge heartache recently and I'm trying to not let it make me jaded while still so young. The first part is about how I feel, and the second half was words of encouragement towards myself whenever I'm feeling down. There's also a third part to the poem which I didn't include, but I did think I tried pretty hard here and I poured my heart and soul into this so I think I'm gonna keep doing that, but thanks for your feedback I guess I'll try harder next time.
It is good to get something written down, spur of the moment or not. I store what I write on Google Docs so it is easily available for later use from any device. At least you have something to write about. Many people need a prompt of some sort.
Most writers are punchier than boxers. Why? They get punched around a lot. They show their best expressions and get beat up or totally ignored by the intended audience. Those beatings feel about the same to the enthused poet.
To continue riding the metaphor (to staggers, as Pound said) you are receiving the preferred type of beating right now.
Think about this. Writing for one's uneducated self is so easy it could be considered a form of cheating. You always know what your words mean. What you intended, falls immediately into place. The image is clear to you. The expression is clear. What is the problem? The problem is your readers are not you. Everything does not slide into place for them, because they are using a different brain to process the words that are predestined to move you. You have to write for all these different brains who do not understand. Your brain still has a lot in common with those other brains. Once you develop good taste, then you are as hard or harder to write for as others. Hence, the expression: One's own worst critic.
You have to make other brains care about your words. They do not automatically care just because your brain easily ascertains it is supposed to care.
Now, my dear, even after you are your own worst critic, even after you are educated, others may still be harder to please than your educated self.
To make a splash around here, a person generally has to do more than drop in with their spontaneous hooks and inspirations from "the other night." I have a phrase scrapyard file made of such things which is sixty type written pages long, and growing. Once in a while I find a good use for one of those little inspirations. Not too often. What do you have, nine posts? Probably a kid with a long time to go.
Here is a poetic truth. Anyone hanging their hearts on cliches has not found a poetic voice yet. Poetry avoids cliches for originality. Yet originality simply for its own sake is usually as transparent and boring as cliches. It does take a lot of work and thought. For mysef, once in a while good phrasing and good poetry come out easily and smoothly, but usually not so. I believe it is that way for most writers. There are stretches that flow easily and some spontaneous phrasing that will stay the distance. Yet in general, for the whole piece to have flowed easily and without much revision, is quite a scarcer phenomenon. That's why I say work harder. The notion that it is easy is quite false, from my own experience and the testimonies of others.
I don't think you purposely ripped their hook off--I think you accidentally ripped it off. It isn't that good anyway. Hey, it was the hook in a country hit song. Country songwriters normally are not exactly crafting fine poetry, are they? You are beginning to think poetically, however. That is a good thing. The competition is hot and heavy in an age where instant communication is possible. Clever word plays are always in demand for news headlines, bumper stickers, advertisements, songs, logos of cultural and political movements et al, but these industries make these same word plays ephemeral, too, in a world where everything is ground up and reused the next day.
Last edited by desiresjab; 08-14-2016 at 07:14 PM.
hi Ive written a reply to the poem . "The Sun is present; it exists" "Let it into your heart; declares a nonEarthling little miss"
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