‘Why would anyone’, my sister says, ‘watch eighteen overpaid and fairly adult men with ridiculously tarty hairdos and male-model-demeanour waste ninety minutes running across a meadow, purportedly to kick a wee ball into one of two fishing nets—don’t even ask me how they know which one is theirs…?’

‘Actually’, I interrupt, they’re twenty-two.’

‘Golly, are they really? Good for them!’, she says. ‘Anyway, if I was asked, I would suggest some changes—only minor ones, mind you, for a complete makeover would lead to figure skating, and we have that already, right? I mean, I don’t mind them keeping their nets—even the two of them if they insist— and I don’t mind them keeping their wild hair styles and their prettier-than-thou stance. But let’s at least make this whole thing a wee bit interesting!’

‘Whatever’, I shrug, ‘I can’t be bothered.’

‘You will be! There’ll be nothing else on telly for a whole four weeks, dear. And we should do more than get another beer from the fridge or order some pizza. We should get involved. We should make this a really exciting moment for everyone.’

‘So what is it you were thinking of?’

‘Well, let’s start with the commentators. I mean, really, what are they thinking of when commenting a game? Nobody needs some half-illiterate nerd to tell them someone's running left or right. What I’d like to understand is what’s going on. Which is more than complicated with all those weird rules. Why can’t they explain them each time it’s necessary? Do you know why and when there’s a foul, or an offside, or a throw-in, or things like that?’

‘Absolutely not. But I don’t know it because I don’t care.’

‘Well, that’s your point of view’, she says. ‘But they can’t just surmise everyone knows all those things. Therefore, they should explain a rule each time it is infringed or applied. Each time. Then, I want to know who is who. With all the important bits, the juicy bits. No one cares about a player having formerly played for this club or having won that trophy. But we need to know the essentials. Like for example ‘Now that’s Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s 31, comes from the beautiful flower island of Madeira. His father died of an alcoholism-related liver condition at the age of 52 when the poor sod was only 20. Ronaldo has previously dated Alice Goodwin and Gemma Atkinson, two English models. In 2010, he began dating Russian model Irina Shayk, but the couple ended their relationship in January 2015. Ronaldo does not have tattoos as it would prevent him from donating blood, which he does several times a year.’ Decent bits of information, you see?’

‘Sort of ‘Daily Mirror’ stuff, right?’

‘Clever boy! Then, the last change. A very small one…’ Making a gesture with two fingers, she shows me how small the change would be, and at a rough guess, I’d say 2 centimeters tops. ‘But one that would make a difference for many girls.'

‘Shoot.’

‘Make them play bare-chested.’

‘Bare-chested. Right.’

‘The most thrilling moment of a game is when they take off their t-shirts! And that’s after the game has ended. I mean, how stupid is that?’

‘They might as well remove their shorts’, I suggest with a lecherous grin.

‘Don’t be daft—I don’t fancy a bunch of male genitals bouncing free-style on my screen for ninety minutes. But they do have nice bodies—why would they hide them under those hideous shirts? Don’t you agree?’

All I can do is nod. You can’t beat my sister’s logic. That is, I can’t. I guess she should start a worldwide petition.