Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: Chapter I - Carlos

  1. #1

    Chapter I - Carlos

    Here is some writing I do in my spare time. Please read and revise, I'd like an honest rating on my writing ability.

    I omitted certain parts.

    Chapter 1

    A roar of thunder echoed throughout the downtown metropolitan of St Catharine’s. Quick, jagged bolts of lightning fell across the evening sky as blankets of rain fell heavily among the many buildings and people that populated the busy streets. The storm howled a heavy cry that intermingled with its unwanted chill, coolly kissing the young man’s cheeks and encompassing every small crevice around him.

    His name was Carlos, and he had chosen that name a decade ago. At that time, he awoke in an empty field -next to some spherical object, that presumably, brought him to Earth. Because they did not arrive with names, they were forced to name themselves. Carlos had chosen his carefully and found his name was generally well accepted by society. Although, that time had long since passed, and since then, so much had seemed to remain the same. He was homeless when he arrived and he was homeless now. The misfortunate circumstances of the current time were quite disheartening. However, he grew accustomed to it through the years. Even now, his conscious cared little for the passing storm or for the empty cup beside him –because the inner conflictions of the present time over-rode his care for the public distinction between success and failure.

    The incredulous nature of Carlos’s trust towards the humans left him alone in life; a bittersweet journey of both freedom and homelessness. Even now, as he sat slouched against a buildings side, he found it dismaying to trust the humans. Their conflictions with one another over the course of centuries –let alone their conflictions with the ___ over the last decade, left him feeling troubled and somewhat disbelieving in the greater good. In addition to his current predicaments were the issues that all the ___ were burdened with, a lack of identity, racial propaganda and war.

    He heard the clink of a coin as it was dropped into his cup; it alone wasn’t sufficient for a meal, but he respected it nonetheless. “Thank-you” He said amiably to the passerby, whom walked briskly away with not so much as a notice of his courtesies.

    Carlos ignored the pedestrian and decided to check how much money he had accumulated over the course of the day. He reached into his cup and peered in, with a studying sort of glance. ‘$5.00’, he estimated as he shook the cup around. There were many nickels and dimes, but it would still be sufficient in purchasing a meal. ‘The first and last of the day’ He thought to himself as he stashed the coin inside his pocket and threw the cup way. He stood up and slung his back-pack over his shoulders. There was a burger joint down the street that had specials within his price range. He decided to visit it before heading home.

    The passing storm had been relentless through the day –and because of that, the walk through the downtown area of St Catharine’s was rather unpleasant. The crowds were quite thick, and everybody seemed to be quite impatient. People also seemed discourteous to physical boundaries, and often brushed shoulders with the person next to them.

    During his walk, the young man began to ponder about his current objective; which to track down the location of another like him. This priority was of utmost importance to him because his documents had shown that she was in possession of one of the Pendants, and because her most presently known location was within the city limits. However, the weather had made tracking her movements extremely difficult, so he decided to dismiss the lead until the storm ceased.

    The burger joint was located several blocks down the street. The road it was on intersected with another street underneath a large bridge. The young man took a glance at it, and it reminded him of home. It was better for him to dismiss the ideologies of the undervalued rather than to focus on them -because after grabbing some grub, it would ironically be his next destination.

    He arrived to the poorly run business and felt a little turned away as he examined its haggard state. The business name was highlighted by fluorescent tubes, each letter shun a dazzling green, all but one. The building also echoed an ensuing statement of age, from its shady appearance to the decaying bricks that built its foundation. Carlos walked towards the entrance to the building and grasped the front doors rusty handle. He pushed it inwards and walked through, uncertain about whether or not the interiors were as unappealing as the exteriors were. A faint chime echoed from the doorbell as he made his way in. He threw his hood down from his head and quickly rubbed his feet on the doormat –a respectable compliance because of his drenched state.

    “I’ll be with you in a second sir,” Said a kindly woman whom was busy tending to the needs of her customers. She walked gracefully, this way and that, and appeared to be quite professional in her duties as a waitress. “Our specials are on the menu.” She explained with a pointed finger towards a menu board. It was a wooden board that hung two meters off the ground, and it was filled with various dishes that he could not afford.

    “Just the burger special, thank-you” Carlos said respectfully as he placed his change on the counter.

    The total cost was only five dollars, but the type of change that he paid with made the waitress feel quite unsettled. She had to pick it up and count the several dozen nickels and dimes that he had accumulated throughout the day –in addition to a few loonies that he was lucky enough to obtain. Regardless, the waitress gave a nod of her head and didn’t take a second glance at his method of payment. She simply collected the change, counted it and placed it in the cash register.

    “It will be a few minutes” She told him as went back to her responsibilities.

    Carlos nodded appreciably and turned around. Among the many seats that were taken, there were still a few that were available. ‘Why would anyone go out during a storm like this?’ He thought to himself as he walked towards one of the empty leather stools. He sat down and stretched out his tight muscles. The stormy day had grown even more strenuous when he realized that he was broke. He figured that he still had some money from the day before, but when he woke up he found that it was gone. Because of that, he was forced to resort to beggary as a means of feeding himself. He was an ___ and he could have resorted to stealing and forcefully seeing that his basic needs were met, but his moral tendencies always convinced him otherwise.

    It was a few minutes after arriving to the shoddy restaurant that he heard the word ____ mentioned. He glanced towards the location of the sound and found that a local news station was currently airing. He heard the faint whispers and muttered words of everyone around the room as they became attentive to the broadcast. Even Carlos found it quite intriguing, and decided to pay more attention to the television.

    “Welcome to the show” Said a welcoming young man. He appeared to be the host of whatever show was currently airing.

    Carlos was able to discern that it was some sort of interview, probably about the ___. That determination made him feel quite bothered, because there had been many disputes between them and the humans over the course of the last decade, and even more troubled matters of the present time.

    “You claim that you have evidence that proves the hostile intentions of the ___; am I correct?” The interviewer asked as he read from a scripted paper.
    “Yes, there is no question that they are beings of a different nature. Because of that, they are capable of things one would consider impossible, let`s see here...” Replied the interviewee as he scuffled through some papers. “It has been documented that the average ___ is capable of expelling destructive force that can level a city block, and there are rumours of a few ___ being so powerful that they can level entire cities. And they are allowed to walk free among our city streets, unaccounted for and unrestrained.” He explained towards the audience.

    He appeared to be a rather well dressed and educated young man. But his intentions for being interviewed were obviously quite deceiving.

    “I have collected numerous testimonies from civilians and law enforcement agencies from around the globe that acknowledges the danger they impose upon our societies. Militaries have even reported coming into violent conflicts with these beings,” He explained as he handed a handful of papers to the television host. “What their intentions are remains to be seen, but we do not have any information that shows they are trying to come to terms of peace with us.” He explained.

    “So do you believe that they are a danger to the human population?” The interviewer asked curiously. He appeared to be quite doubtful about the opinion of the younger man.

    “Of course,” Replied the guest nonchalantly. “They have exacted violence acts upon us as opposed to dealings of peace. One can only determine that they believe themselves to be above, not only us, but any jurisdiction that they reside in.” He elaborated with a pointed finger towards one of his reports.

    Carlos acknowledged that most of what he was saying was true, but it didn’t relieve him of his doubts regarding the humans and their inability to see anything else beyond their own selfish existence. They also never tried to work alongside the ___, so the interviewee’s statements appeared to be rather hypocritical.

    “You argue that their intentions are problematic for society -and that they do not deserve social rights or recognition as civilians, but these are merely claims without any supporting evidence thus far.” The interviewer exclaimed in a rather defensive manner. He appeared to be supporting the ___ on national television -and Carlos respected that, even though it probably mattered little whose side he was on.

    “Perhaps I can show you?” Retorted the guest as he extended his arm towards a large T.V. It stood between the interviewer and interviewee. “This tape was recorded on the eastern part of the globe, and clearly displays their hostile intentions.” He explained as he inserted a disc into the DVD player.

    The lights in the news room dimmed and the camera zoomed in on the television screen. Suddenly, there were quick jagged shots of a third world country. Explosions muffled the voices of people as they scrambled about in every direction. A language that Carlos did not recognize was continually uttered with growing intensity. The same words were repeated over and over. Suddenly, a figure came into view. It was definitely a ___, but it was exhibiting incredible power. Numerous bullets were being fired at it, but it was seemingly unaffected. Large bodies of energy flourished from the palms of its hands, and a red aura covered the exterior of its body. Then, it exalted an astonishing scream and shot the energy from its hands. Several police vehicles in front of it was blown into nothingness. The explosion was quite severe because nothing was left of the law enforcement officials. The ___ turned towards the camera holder, whom began to run in the opposite direction. The camera went black as the news report came on again.

    “Your burger sir” Said waitress unexpectedly as she brought his daily special on a platter. She put it in front of him and asked him if she could help him with anything else.
    He shook his head and quietly asked for it to go. The news report had invigorated his curiosity about the conflicts between the humans and the ___; evidently, they were escalating. Once he received his bagged burger he placed it inside his backpack and made for the door.

    The pelting rain had dispersed slightly more, but with less intensity. The raindrops weren’t as numerous as before and appeared to be further apart from one another. He ascertained that he might be able to make it home before the sun could fully set. So he quickly made his way down the busy streets of St Catharine’s. He kept his pace relatively slow, as a means to not draw unnecessary attention to himself.

    It was a few minutes thence that he arrived to the deplorable site of what he called home. Before him stood a bridge and underneath it was a large concrete slab that stood adjacent to two more slabs on either side, both of which served as pillars for the bridge above. These concrete blocks stood twenty feet off the ground, so it would be exceptionally difficult for someone to try and steal his belongings.

    With a quick jump, he grasped the top of the concrete slab and pulled himself up. He then crawled into the narrow corridor that he called home, and sat down on his rugged mat. He heard the sounds of the passing cars above, and it was rather annoying because he heard this day and night. It was a frequent annoyance that never ceased to displease him.

    It was here that he set up his residence. Whatever he needed to make the place more homely, he was able to find without resorting to criminal indulgences. He had a large carpet that extended 10 feet in all directions, as well as a desk, chair and posters that he put up as furnishings. Whenever a storm occurred, he was forced to set up a tarp and level it out in such a way that it funnelled the water down into empty streets below.
    It was here that he spent countless nights -going through old notes and making new ones, trying to locate any of the Pendants. He was searching for any answers that would benefit his purpose, and possibly, all of mankind. The true question that always lingered on the back of his mind was what are we? Who are we? Aliens, some called them. But ‘people’ was the terminology that he preferred. The only physical differences between them and the humans were their eyes; which sun a dazzling green whenever they tapped into their latent abilities; their physical capabilities –which far surpassed that of any species, human or animal, and lastly, ___ tattoos that populated most of their body and parts of their face. The distinction was quite clear. One had only had to glance at their eyes to see the difference –and because of that, he often wore his hood to conceal his attractive burdens.
    Carlos kicked off his shoes and sat back. He was exhausted and he was growing more impatient day by day. During the last few weeks he had been trying to track the whereabouts of another ___, but he often found it difficult. This particular ____ that he was tracking was a female whom went by the name Aaliyah. ‘Creative’, he thought to himself as he began to consider the name. She mustn’t have been very powerful; otherwise he would have found her by now.

    He picked up the burger that he bought and began to chew it as he read a portion of his reports. His hair was still wet from the storm and it dribbled a few pellets onto the paper; of which had some very important details. Some information included her name, and that this individual was a bearer of one of the Pendants; and that her presently known location was St Catharine’s. He folded the paper back up and tossed it aside.

    ‘I’ve got to find her first’ He thought to himself as finished the burger. If she still had a Pendant in her possession than he might be able to persuade her to work with him if she found out that he had one as well. If not, than he could simply take it from her. However, there was still no telling where the other five were. But that was a matter for another time. He had looked her up on various social media sites and found that she didn’t spend any time online. He even broke into a police vehicle and used their computers to search for a match to her name, he found nothing. So he had no choice but to resort his senses in an attempt to locate her presence -but for some reason, her energy levels never stood out amongst the humans. His senses were greatly in tune but apparently they weren’t strong enough –that, or she just didn’t have a strong presence to begin with.

    He dug through his pockets and reached for the Pendant. He pulled it out and held it by its chain. The beauty of it was magnificent to behold. Even in the midst of all the darkness it continued to shine a potent glow. It was faint, but apparent. The weight of it made it difficult to hold –even for a ___. He was proud to own it, but with it came violent disputes between himself and the Canadian Government. He often found himself as the focus of their military operations. They had tracked him down all over Canada -from Halifax to Vancouver, and they were currently in pursuit of this Pendant. He didn’t know what it could do, but he suspected it to be something of great importance.

    He tried to fasten the chain around his neck, but it mysteriously fell off –as though it had passed through his neck. He knew this was impossible, but mysteriousness of the event was quite intriguing. As far as Carlos understood, there wasn’t a known ___ or human that was capable of wearing these artefacts. Throughout the last decade or so, he had offered various people the opportunity to keep the Pendant if they could wear it, but every one of them failed.

    Angrily, he threw the Pendant and it skidded across the pavement. He raised his hand and channelled a small ball of energy from it. It lingered a few inches from the middle of his palm and danced with a ceaseless motion, like that of a fire. He then closed his hand fiercely and the energy dispersed into nothingness. He found himself in the darkness once again.
    Suddenly, he caught a quick sense of something. It was a powerful presence that stood out from the population, but for some reason, the magnitude of its potency had doubled. He immediately stood up and walked forward a few feet. He placed his hand on one of the concrete slabs and let his head fall as he closed his eyes and tried to focus.

    There it was again.

    He could definitely feel something, some large and powerful presence that wasn`t too far off, but he couldn`t determine which area in particular that it was coming from. Was it the ___ that he was looking for? He couldn’t be certain.

    Once he was able to focus his senses more efficiently, he determined that it wasn’t just one ____, but two. One was definitely greater than the other, which in turn, was significantly weaker. He made the decision to pursue this lead and he quickly grabbed whatever belongings that he needed for the remainder of the day. After taking a quick glance back towards his dwellings, he made his way towards the location of the weaker ___ –unknowing that this would be the final time that he would ever lay eyes on it.
    Last edited by Kris Brass; 03-28-2016 at 09:36 PM.

  2. #2

    Someone please read this.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Blog Entries
    I would tell you that you use all the rudimentary elements of writing but there is a very noticeable inadequacy in this story. You seem unrefined and should probably practice writing often till you can look at this story and see it the way I see it. I don't want to get too deeply into the details of "why this doesn't work and why that should go like this". I would tell you that you appear to be on track to becoming a great writer.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by New Secret View Post
    I would tell you that you use all the rudimentary elements of writing but there is a very noticeable inadequacy in this story. You seem unrefined and should probably practice writing often till you can look at this story and see it the way I see it. I don't want to get too deeply into the details of "why this doesn't work and why that should go like this". I would tell you that you appear to be on track to becoming a great writer.
    Any sort of criticism would be much appreciated, that is why I'm here. I haven't taken a single week of formal education from a post-secondary institution, so that is probably why you notice some things that I do not. Regardless, I had several chapters written out, and a different version of Chapter 1 -but due to several contradictions within the story, I was forced to re-write the opening chapter. It might not flow as well as I hoped.

  5. #5

    Chapter 2 - Aaliyah

    I would like some reception on this. Chapter 1 is available in General Writing

    Chapter 2


    The young ___ finished her drink and pushed it aside. The pungent effect of the double vodka helped to ease the matters of the passing day.

    “How are things Aaliyah?” The bartender asked inquisitively. The low tone in his voice reflected his heavy build. The whiskers of his stash were worn with age. His name was Mickey; an elderly man whom had been running the remnants of a family business for a decade. He would be the final owner of this shabby bar, one that Aaliyah visited quite frequently.

    Too frequently she thought. “Same old,” She responded with not so much as a smirk. “Michael and I have been trying to locate a Pendant.” She explained quietly as she kept a watchful eye on her surroundings.

    “Any luck?” Mickey asked as he leaned upon the bar table. He had been listening to Aaliyah’s progress for the last decade –progress that never really went anywhere, but he enjoyed it all the same. Company was company, and at his ripe age of 60, he didn’t have much.

    Aaliyah smirked as she looked around cautiously. She took no notice of anything out of the ordinary. No ___ and nobody out to get her. During these times, that occurred all too often. Numerous stories of ___ being hunted by humans -and sometimes killed, often circulated within the gossip of ___ and human alike.

    Mickey took notice of the bags under her eyes -and her efforts to keep herself awake, as she continued to look about. Her hair was haggard and messily worn. It was dark black with red streaks running through towards ends of her hair. She often wore the same eye liner for several days, and usually dressed in the same clothes as well; a black sports bra worn underneath her leather jacket. More often than not she would keep the sleeves pulled as high as her elbows. She quite enjoyed this look. For it showed that she wasn’t scared to show the world what she actually was. Her ___ tattoos covered her belly and parts of her neck and face. However, today felt different. There was some sort of presence that she sensed far off.

    “We think the Canadian Government has managed to locate one. It’s just west of here actually,” She explained as she pointed her thumb to the left. With her other hand she threw $4.50 on the table and asked for another beer. As Mickey took the change and turned towards the fridge, she continued. “It’s under the control of the military and it’s hidden away in some military base. Michael doesn’t think I should try and steal it, he thinks I might get hurt.” She elaborated with doubts about her friend’s opinion regarding her safety.

    “Smart man,” Replied Mickey as he popped the beer open with a bottle opener. He laid it in front of her and said, “If you decide to do that than the repercussions will be significant. You will be labelled as an enemy of the country –and because you’re a ___, I do not think that will bode well for you,” His once heavy tone was quieted under the awareness of his customers. He leaned closer towards Aaliyah and spoke softly. “You’ve been coming to this bar for a decade. Doing the same thing, drinking during the same days and trying to locate these artifacts, perhaps they aren’t meant for you to find?”
    Aaliyah snickered in doubt. She knew something that he didn’t know about them, but she wouldn’t dare say that now, not with so many ears around.

    “They are, I know that much,” She responded discourteously. “But locating them is another matter entirely. These things are hard to find. For all Michael and I know, some random twat somewhere could have one at home,” She took a sip of her drink. “Besides, what other purpose would the mighty ___ have besides these?” She asked with an elaborated sense of sarcasm.

    “The option to do what you want,” Mickey shot back. He could tell she was getting drunk. She had four drinks already, but usually didn’t stop until she had half a dozen.

    Aaliyah wrapped her hands around her beer as if to warm it. She thought heavily before she responded. “Impossible,” She finally said. “The ___ have few, if any rights at all, and we’re under scrutiny from the public and government eye. If any fault or wrong doing should be found, we could easily be labelled as enemies of the world. Besides, it took almost a year for me to work things out with Michael, the only hearty human I know; so much as that he even looks after me.” She explained ashamed.

    However, the underlying fact was that the options she had were few, and she knew it. Governments of the world would never give a ___ citizenship to any country and because of that, they would be unable to work and provide for themselves. Hence why so many resorted to using their powers –which were often seen as gifts from the public eye, to steal and rob for the basic necessities they needed to live day by day. This particular stereo type tainted the image of the ___ and made it impossible for those with good intentions to do things the way society saw fit and according.

    After a long pause of silence Aaliyah finally spoke. “There’s nothing out there for us.” She said as she had another sip of her drink. She felt as though her mind was a cluttered mess. She didn’t know what she was doing and she didn’t know how to fix things for herself or her people. The only particular lead and possible option that could lead to a greater outcome was the Pendants of ___. True, she didn’t know what purpose they could ultimately serve, but they appeared to be quite mysterious. She also had one when she crawled out of the crater that was caused from her spaceship; which occurred a decade ago.

    “There’s a whole world out there,” The bartender replied as he busied himself with wiping a dirty cup. He looked around before continuing. With barely as much as a whisper he said, “I know you’re a ___. You can run away, make a life somewhere, anywhere. You don`t have to live in the filth of this city.” His voice carried a sense of compassion and sympathy that hit Aaliyah hard.

    The only person who was aware of her bitter circumstances besides Michael was Mickey. He was much older than she was -and because of that, she confided him in. She explained her confusion about her identity, her leads and misleads when it came to tracking the Pendants and sometimes her dreams when –if she ever, collected all the Pendants.

    “I’m going to make the world a better place.” She often said dreamily. Perhaps the Pendants could give her the power to force the humans to accept her and her brethren as people of the world. She knew the effects of one of these magnificent artifacts, but she only ever had the one. She often pondered what would happen if she had all seven under her control. The thought of it made her smile.
    She bit her lower lip to the thought of this and what Mickey said. But before she could respond someone walked in who caught her eye.

    ****, she thought to herself; realizing that she got caught off guard. The topic at hand had been deep and emotionally driving; hence why Aaliyah failed to detect this ___ that she sensed previously. Mickey took notice of her reaction and looked in that particular direction. Immediately, he knew what she was worried about. This awareness worried him as well; for if these two decided to scuffle, they could easily destroy what remained of the family bar.

    “What can I get for you sir?” Asked Mickey contently.

    Aaliyah glared at the ___ in contest; a warning for things to come if he didn't watch what he was doing. The ___ simply smirked at her and turned his attention towards Mickey. “I’ll have a beer, and one for the lady over there.” He said with a point in her direction.

    Mickey looked over to Aaliyah worriedly and fell silent for a moment or two. “Very well.” He said with a nod as he turned around and walked back towards the fridge. The ___ dropped some change on the table and surprisingly, went walking in Aaliyah’s direction.

    Aaliyah examined him curiously. He wore a heavy black sweater with the hood pulled up. It was drenched completely through and appeared to be rather haggard and worn from wear. His eyes shun a glistening green underneath the strands of black hair that fell affront his face. His face bore a striking similarity to Aaliyah’s. ___ tattoo’s populated the curvatures of his cheeks and enamored his beautiful looks.

    He took the stool on Aaliyah’s left and sat down with not so much as a glance at her. She found that queer. Does he know what I am? She thought to herself. She took a sip of her drink before she turned on her stool.

    “Don’t f___ with me,” She said contently. Her tone carried a warning that she knew he would comprehend. “I know what you are; what do you want?” She demanded as she curled her bottom lip.
    The ___ suspired to her attitude, but ignored it and introduced himself. “Carlos,” He said pleasantly as he extended his hand towards Aaliyah. She glanced at it and decided to ignore his courteous gesture.

    “I asked you a question” She retorted as she sipped her beer again. She was trying to act intimidating, but she didn’t know if he was actually buying it. His uncaring responses made her think not.

    “Yea I know, but I’d rather know your name first. Tell me your name and I’ll tell you what I want,” He said with a smile. “I know you know I’m a ___, but chill.” He added as he took hold of his drink.

    Mickey exchanged it for the payment and went back to cleaning the bar, all the while keeping an eye on this new customer. Never before had Mickey seen him, and to make matters worse, he was a ___, the same as Aaliyah.

    She kept her thoughts to herself for a brief moment but chose to give him this one a chance. All too often she would ignore the advance of others and was reluctant in building any lasting friendships. Perhaps if she tried to indulge her trust in others, they would do the same with her.

    “Aaliyah” She finally said after a long pause.

    “And where did you get that name from?” Carlos asked curiously.

    Aaliyah smiled. She knew that all the ___ on Earth didn`t have names at the time of their arrival; and because of that, they were forced to name themselves. Their varying locations determined what names they had to choose from; this was at least applicable for a majority of the ___, but a select few didn’t abide by this principal.

    “Well... I heard a song on the radio that I really enjoyed. After hearing the artist’s name, I determined that was the one I liked the best,” She explicated as she reached for her drink. “It fits.” She added as she took a drink of her beer. “And yourself, where did you get yours from?”

    “I like the sound of it. Carlos,” He explained as he looked at Aaliyah. “I know what you have,” He added nonchalantly. “You seem like a nice girl so you don’t have to worry about me trying to steal it or anything. I don’t typically get upset, unless someone is a complete *******.”

    “Like ___?”

    “Anybody,” He retorted. Bringing the topic back to the previous one, he asked. “What use is it to you?” He finished his drink and pushed it forward. The bar tender pointed towards his empty bottle and Carlos nodded. He threw another $4.50 on the table and looked at Aaliyah, whom fell silent. “So?” He asked pressingly.

    She felt reluctant in answering that particular question. She hardly knew this man. However, she went against her instincts and answered.

    “It’s not,” She lied. “But I’m thinking it might be if I can collect them all.” She added as she fingered the chain inside her pocket. Even now, the Pendant was heavy and she could feel it weighing her down.

    “Collect them all?” Carlos asked. “How do you know how many there are?” He handed Mickey the $4.50 with a pleasant thank-you before turning his attention back towards Aaliyah.

    “Sources,” She remarked with a smile.

    Carlos smirked. “I assume you have one,” He said as he dug through his pockets for a brief moment. He pulled out something that glistened underneath the dim lights within the bar. “Well... I’ve got one as well.” He added as he put it before Aaliyah. He leaned forward and looked her in the eyes. “I’m not here to steal from you; I’m trying to find these. I’m not sure why, but they must carry some meaning; why else would they be here?”

    She reached forward and picked up the Pendant. She examined it thoroughly and compared it to her own. The thin chain was exactly the same. Long, sturdy and made of some difference substance than any she recognized. She and Michael had often tried to find the particular material that these Pendants were made of, but they found no matches. Additionally, the links were solid and sturdy; unbreakable by the hands of a human.

    “Look familiar?” He asked as he leaned back on his stool.

    “It’s slightly different from my own. Regardless, ___ is inscribed on it, so it must be one.” She said as she handed him the Pendant back. “Wear it.” She added.

    Carlos paused momentarily and looked as though he didn’t know what to say. “I can’t...” He finally said. “Nobody can.” He added doubtfully as he slid the chain around his neck. In the most mysterious manner the chain seemingly slipped off, as though it had went through his neck. Carlos smirked as it fell to his lap.

    She fully expected that to happen, because even she hadn’t found anyone able to wear these Pendants. The chains would mysteriously fall off everyone’s neck but her own. This was also her own little secret. If anybody -human or ___ alike, found out that she could wear them, than undoubtedly, someone would come after her. Still, being able to wear them didn't draw her any closer to the answers she was looking for. Because of this, she decided to share what little information she had with Carlos.

    “You seem like a nice guy, and yes, I do have some information that I could share with you. If you’re willing to wait until tomorrow you can meet me at a Cafe down the street. I’ll be with my friend Michael and we’ll be going over some things. You’re more than welcome to come if you want.” She said as she called Mickey over.

    “Certainly, as long as you’re there, what time in particular?” Carlos asked curiously.

    She asked Mickey for a pen and paper and wrote down the address and time. She slid it over to Carlos with a smile. He picked it up and flipped it over. Once he saw her number he looked up at her and smiled.

    “Try not to do anything stupid in the mean time.” She told him as she picked up her Pendant and slid it around her neck. It fell in front of her chest but it didn’t fall off. She looked up to him with a smirk and took her leave.

  6. #6
    I would like some reception

  7. #7
    Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2016
    I strongly recommend joining an online writer critique group. You'll develop as a writer by giving and receiving regular critiques.

    You give a lot of background story on Carlos, but at this point the reader doesn't care. The best way to open a story is by showing (a) an interesting character (b) doing something interesting (c) in an interesting place (d) while feeling something interesting. "Interesting" is subjective, of course, but since this seems to be science fiction, and since Carlos seems to be an interesting guy, it shouldn't be too hard to conceive of an interesting opening scene. Throw the reader smack dab in the middle of something--a conversation, a peculiar activity, etc. In other words, you need to establish empathy (or sympathy, at the very least) between reader and character, and the easiest way to do so is by showing the reader who your character is. Show us Carlos's personality. Show us his desires, his motivations, his flaws and warts, his strengths and weaknesses, so on and so on. And be interesting or else I'm putting the book down. Save the backstory for when we the readers give a damn.

    Take note of all the novels that have truly captivated you. Reread the first chapter of each one. I'm willing to bet that, more often than not, the authors met all four of the above points in chapter one.

    Stephen King is a master of this. Consider the opening of his short story The Cat From Hell.

    Halston thought the old man in the wheelchair looked sick, terrified, and ready to die. He had experience in seeing such things. Death was Halston's business; he had brought it to eighteen men and six women in his career as an independent hitter. He knew the death look.

    The house—mansion, actually—was cold and quiet. The only sounds were the low snap of the fire on the big stone hearth and the low whine of the November wind outside.

    "I want you to make a kill," the old man said. His voice was quavery and high, peevish. "I understand that is what you do."

    "Who did you talk to?" Halston asked.

    "With a man named Saul Loggia. He says you know him."

    Halston nodded. If Loggia was the go-between, it was all right. And if there was a bug in the room, anything the old man—Drogan—said was entrapment.

    "Who do you want hit?"

    Drogan pressed a button on the console built into the arm of his wheelchair and it buzzed forward. Close-up, Halston could smell the yellow odors of fear, age, and urine all mixed. They disgusted him, but he made no sign. His face was still and smooth.

    "Your victim is right behind you," Drogan said softly.

    Halston moved quickly. His reflexes were his life and they were always set on a filed pin. He was off the couch, falling to one knee, turning, hand inside his specially tailored sport coat, gripping the handle of the short-barrelled .45 hybrid that hung below his armpit in a spring-loaded holster that laid it in his palm at a touch. A moment later it was out and pointed at . . . a cat.

  8. #8
    I'm not sure if it's even worth pursuing this anymore. I've wrote around 40,000 words in 12 Chapters for this novel and it's not really going anywhere. I've sent out manuscripts to dozens of 'friends' and nobody has even finished reading them yet, and it's been weeks. I think it's obvious that I am not a gifted writer (as I have been falsely lead on to believe), and I should invest my time into doing something else.

  9. #9
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Beyond nowhere
    I don´t think so. I think what you need is more practice as all beginners. Neurotibot gave some very interesting suggestions.
    Maybe one way to keep writing regularly would be to keep a journal or a blog. You seem to have much material to draw from.
    Most beginners (and not only beginners) have publishing difficulties. Everybody writes nowadays. You have to be tough.
    Last edited by Danik 2016; 05-20-2016 at 02:48 PM.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

  10. #10
    Can I get some reception on the second chapter?

  11. #11
    Here is another chapter:


    The swaying grass danced heavily amid the force of the torrential rains. Great gusts of wind roared violently –whisking the flora of the forest in every direction. The great downpour had taken Aaliyah by surprise. But Carlos believed that this provided the best cover for the _____, but Aaliyah still wasn`t convinced.

    Drenched, the two crawled through the flourishing flora, peering over the tall strands of grass every few feet. “Don’t you think you could have picked a better time to do this?” Aaliyah asked annoyingly. Her hair was completely soaked and stuck to the contours of her face.

    “It gives us the advantage, and they won’t be able to see us coming,” Carlos protested. “Come, but keep quiet and stay low.”

    Carlos led the way and kept an eye on the swaying grass. When it danced from one direction to the other, he would follow its movements. This provided the two with cover and allowed them to move forward without being detected. They continued moving this way for some time, until a soldier stood but twenty feet away. He was positioned above a rock and glancing west. Carlos & Aaliyah’s position had them facing north.

    Cautiously, Carlos waved Aaliyah closer, close enough for him to whisper something in her ear. “I am going to take this one. After he is down, I want you to advance towards the valley where the hangar is located. Tell me if anybody noticed.” He instructed as he kept his eyes focused on the lone soldier.

    “Try not to hurt him too much, just knock him unconscious or something.” Aaliyah replied with some concern in tone.

    Carlos didn’t appear to acknowledge her disposition about safety that much. He shrugged uncaring and asked her to wait for his cue. So she began to advance towards the edge of the valley, roughly thirty feet away. She continued to move in tune with the direction of the swaying grass.

    The _____ crawled silently towards the lone soldier. Every advance he made was done in tune with the thunder above. Eventually, he had progressed close enough that the soldier was within range. Carlos flanked the soldier from behind with such speed that the soldier did not have time to react to the assault. With a firm grasp of the soldiers head, Carlos slammed him into the bolder –undeniably harder than he had intended. And just like that, the conflict was over.

    “Did you notice anything?” Carlos asked as he crept towards Aaliyah.

    “Nothing that seemed out of the ordinary,” She responded. “However, I thought we agreed not to be rough with them?”

    “Rough? They are carrying rifles!” Carlos shot back.
    “Yes but... I am not sensing his presence… I think you killed him...”

    “Alright fine, I will try to be a little more careful from here on in. I did not actually intend to do that, it was more or less a spur of the moment type thing.” Carlos replied annoyingly. He did not see a reason to keep these humans alive, they were soldiers, and they were the enemy after all.

    After the two came to their agreement, they began to study the military base from the top of the valley, an effort to plan their next move. From their altitude, they could see that a chain linked fence enclosed a large hangar and the operation that the military was currently undergoing. Two watch towers stood in front of the fenced gate, both towers stood roughly thirty feet off the ground. In the very middle of the circumference of the chained fence stood the hangar, which was several hundred feet long and around seventy five feet wide. It seemed to have been built there to house whatever was inside, which was likely the Pendant that they had come here to locate.

    “How many of them do you see?” Carlos asked as he continued to survey the base.

    “Two on the towers, two at the gate, several around the fence and I can sense a-lot more inside,” Aaliyah responded as she pulled one of her bangs back to get a better view. “Do you see those military vehicles over there? They got turrets mounted on the back. Do you think they could damage us?” She asked worryingly.

    Aaliyah had never been in a fight with the military before. The danger of the unknown frightened her even more.

    “I don’t think so…” Carlos replied uncertainly. “I’ve never actually been shot with a 50 Calibre before. That’s why it is probably best we don’t let them get that far.”

    Aaliyah didn’t respond and it was her silence that drew Carlos’s attention. She sunk back a few inches, seemingly intimidated.

    “Hey, are you alright?” Carlos asked concerned. He put his hand under Aaliyah’s chin and turned her face towards his. “Look at me. No harm is going to come to you, alright? I won’t let it happen.” He said reassuringly.

    Aaliyah nodded her head unconvincingly. She didn’t appear to be confident in herself or Carlos. Though the signs on her face were clear as day, he felt compelled to move on. The Pendant was what they were after –and after ten years of searching, he felt subjectively motivated to see the task complete.

    It was at that moment that something triggered his senses. He couldn’t pin-point the location, but he could sense a strong presence within their area, perhaps several miles away or so. He began to look about, trying to determine where it was coming from.

    The darkness of the night and the overcast of the clouds made it next to impossible to see anything, much less detect something moving in the distance.

    “Do you feel that?” He asked concerned as he continued to look around.

    “Yea I do. It doesn’t… feel human, the presence of it is too strong,” Aaliyah responded as she too began to scan the area, combing for a clue. “It’s a _____.” She concluded.

    “Let’s get a move on, and quickly. If we can over-take this base within a few minutes, we should have enough time to teleport far enough away. Let’s just hope that our friend out there cannot sense us.”

    “And if he does?”

    “Well... there are two of us, so I wouldn’t worry too much. Now come,” Carlos said confidently. He grabbed Aaliyah’s hand and pulled her down the edge of the valley. “Alright, you see those two towers? I’ll take the one on the right; you take the one on the left. We’ll have to teleport to cover the distance, and teleport quickly. If we don’t do it quick enough the unknown _____ might sense us.” Carlos explained with a pointed finger towards the tower.

    “Teleport... I haven’t really had a need to do it so I never really did. I’m not certain if I can any-more.” She responded doubtfully.

    “Don’t worry; I have got faith in you. Now... after that, I’ll take care of the soldiers in front of the gate and you clear the outskirts of the hangar. Our friends inside should notice and will probably attack us.” Carlos finished with a smirk.

    Aaliyah looked at him and he appeared to be enjoying the moment. Truth be told, she was as well. This was the first eventful thing to happen to her in several years; she only hoped that she would not disappoint him.

    “What happens if a whole platoon comes out of those doors?” She asked.

    “Then we power-up and blitz them.” Carlos replied confidently.

    Once again, he held Aaliyah’s hand and guided her through the midst of the terrain. The constant downpour and thick aggregation of grass proved to be beneficial to their objective. At no point of time –since the two advanced from their previous position, had any alarm been raised or any soldier noticed to movements. It was at the base of valleys arch did the two finally stop. They found themselves positioned before a gravelled road and hidden behind the body of an enormous tree. Across the road stood the two watch towers that they had seen from a-far.

    Carlos extended his right arm in front of Aaliyah and halted her movement.

    “Alright, so those two towers are our next targets…” His speech was cut short.

    At that moment a few army trucks approached. They were rather large military vehicles that had tarps on the cab of the truck. Aaliyah counted four. However, with that number there was also a large amount of soldiers in the cabs of the trucks. Far more soldiers than they originally intended there would be. To the dismay of the two _____, the army trucks were let through the gate. It was a few moments later that they parked and numerous soldiers began exiting from the cabs.

    “…” Aaliyah said.

    “It shouldn’t be of concern. It would take a-lot more than that to harm us,” Carlos said reassuringly. “Our priority is still those two watch towers over there.” He explained with a pointed finger.

    “It looks like a platoon of soldiers is going into the hangar,” Aaliyah exclaimed as she examined their movements. “Should we wait?” She asked aghast.

    Carlos nodded. “Wait until they are all inside. Once they are, that gives us an opportunity to attack the towers and secure the premises without being detected.” He explicated.

    “Okay, I think I can handle that. Now, are you going to take the right one or the left one?” She asked, suddenly aware that she had forgotten already.

    “I’ll take the left. As soon as you have the soldier unconscious, I want you to clear out the soldiers among the exteriors of the hangar. From there, I will clear out the two are the front of the gate. Once we have secured the perimeter, we should take the interiors no problem. It’s probably best that we hurry. It feels like that _____s presence is getting stronger.” Carlos explained with another glance around the vicinity.

    She felt like she could do this.

    The two _____ waited behind shrubs and bushes while the last of the soldiers entered the hangar. Carlos put his hand on Aaliyah’s shoulder and asked, “Are you ready?”
    She nodded to the question and almost immediately, the two _____ teleported to their respective destinations. The two soldiers were taken by complete surprise and only had the time to react to fluttering flora from where the two _____ had teleported from. At that moment, the two were behind them. With a quick punch from each, the soldiers were knocked unconscious. However,
    Aaliyah’s target was catapulted from the tower. She had humorously forgotten just how strong she was.

    After the unconscious body was flung from the top of the tower, he landed upon the soaked mud with a loud thud! Several soldiers around the base noticed the body in the peripherals of their vision; a few more head the body smack the ground. All of them came running towards the tower to see what had occurred.

    Carlos sat down at the top of the tower, trying to discern what the soldiers below were muttering about. He couldn’t make a clear distinction on what was being said –due to the force of the torrential rains, but he knew he couldn’t let them sound the alarm, or radio for the reinforcements inside.

    With a quick burst of energy, he teleported to the base of the tower and drew the attention of the remaining soldiers.

    They attempted to raise their guns, but Carlos quickly teleported towards each soldier, and he struck each one once, before continuing towards the next. Before the final soldier’s rifle was levelled with the ground, all nine had fallen over in nearly simultaneous occurrence.

    Carlos still had his fist in the air when Aaliyah teleported by his side. She appeared concerned and a little apologetic due to her mistake.

    “I’m sorry about earlier. It’s been some time since I did anything of the sort, it must have slipped my mind.”

    Aaliyah said apologetically.

    “We have to hurry!” Carlos said loudly. “The _____ would have sensed that. We do not have much time.” He added as he turned about and hurriedly walked towards the hangar doors.

    “I thought you said that we were going to formulate a plan before we enter? We can’t just walk in there; we are going to get shot!” Aaliyah cried as she ran up and tried to stop Carlos.
    She pressed both his hands on his best, but he dismissed her attempt to stop her and pushed her side. He didn’t inform her then, but the presence that he was sensing had grown so tremendously large, that it dwarfed both of them combined. If they stayed here much longer, they might be done in.

    “It doesn’t matter anymore. We have to finish this as quickly as possible,” Carlos objected. “We need that pendant, because based on the level of power that I am sensing, we might not get that opportunity.” He finished orderly, feeling a little hindered by Aaliyah’s presence.

    “!” Aaliyah cried, as Carlos continued walking towards the hangar doors. She pulled back and raised her hands to her head in frustration. She withdrew back to one of the watch towers and sat on the ground, drenched and soaked from the ensuing rain.

    Carlos began to run towards the large metallic door. When he was within a meter of it, he quickly teleported and was still in a motion when he arrived on the other-side of the door. The nearest soldier was only a few feet away, so Carlos struck him with a fierce uppercut, dropped down towards his hands and started running for the next one.
    The remaining soldiers inside the hangar raised their weapons quickly and began to fire towards Carlos -whom moved so quickly, that he appeared to be nothing more than a blur to their eyes. Numerous bullets found unlikely targets; some hit other soldiers while others hit walls or ricocheted off of Carlos’s impenetrable skin.

    In a mere moment, two dozen soldiers were strewn about the hangar floor. Carlos paused for a moment and looked around. He didn’t see anybody else, but he forgot to look behind him.

    A few remaining soldiers were stationed in their 50 Calibre turret guns, which were loaded onto the back of a few jeeps. Because of his speed, they were unable to track his movements and fire at him directly... until now.

    Suddenly, the three soldiers combined their assault and began to fire towards him. Carlos was able to evade a majority of the bullets with his teleportation –as he teleported left to right, but as he closed in on his targets, one of these high powered rifles hit him directly in the face. The amount of force behind it surprised him. It violently threw his head to the side and dazed him to such a degree that he stumbled forward.

    Before he could regain his senses the remaining soldiers continued their assault. The combined forces of these heavy weapons proved to be overwhelming. They continued to strike him violently, and he pulled his elbows up to protect his face. As he was pushed back, he realized that he couldn’t find the adequate time to teleport out of this barrage of bullets because he was too busy trying to hold his ground.

    It was in that final moment when Aaliyah suddenly appeared. She teleported inside the hangar and immediately made a dash for the military vehicles. She exhibited an incredible scream and what followed took Carlos by surprise. A great force of energy was expelled from the palms of her hands. It over-took the vehicles and blew a large hold into the hangar behind it.

    It was in those next few moments that Carlos regained his footing. His breathes were faltering and his arms felt slightly weak. There was also a deep cut on his cheek from where the bullet had struck him. He rubbed the blood away and started to walk towards Aaliyah.

    “We aren’t supposed to use energy blasts. They make our energy levels far too high,” Carlos said discerningly as he stopped just a few feet from Aaliyah. “Now the approaching _____ knows where we are, we have to hurry...” He instructed as he quickly turned around.

    Aaliyah nodded in understanding and did not disagree. She decided to keep it to herself, but she knew that had she not intervened, Carlos may be dead right now.

    In the empty corridors of the large hangar, the two began to examine their surroundings closely. There stood some computers in the far distance, with some tables and desks. But on their end of the hangar, there were only military vehicles, equipment and weapons.

    Every so often, a large lightning bolt would light up the inside of the hangar. Every few feet or so, rain would dribble through some spacious cracks in the ceiling.

    “I can’t find it.” Aaliyah intoned with seriousness. She was on the other side of the hangar searching through several work-stations that had been set up. She threw books around, opened drawers and flipped computers over, but she found nothing.

    “Keep searching!” Carlos screamed from the middle of the hangar. He was searching the floor in case it had been knocked around from the previous battle.

    He then came across a trap-door; and it appeared to be rather sturdy, with large bolts set in place on the circumference of it. Carlos grabbed it from either end and he pulled hard as hard as he could. The strength of the bolts proved difficult to break, but eventually... they gave way. He picked up the door and threw it aside. He peered into the circular corridor and saw that it extended roughly twenty feet below. A ladder had been set up and lights that shone brightly towards the passageway below.

    “Did you find something?” Aaliyah asked as she ran back towards him. She paused beside him and knelt down. She peered into the dark and gloomy tunnel, uncertain of what to expect. “You think it’s down there?” She asked curiously.
    “Let’s find out.” Carlos replied as he jumped into the tunnel. He landed with a loud thud and looked up, gesturing for Aaliyah to follow.
    She shook her head in negligence and told him that she would wait at the top. “I’m claustrophobic” She added.

    Carlos turned around and walked down the narrow corridor. The walls were reinforced steel and the tunnel led to an open room. It wasn’t large, but it wasn’t small either. It was twenty feet long and fifteen feet wide. Computers of various sorts packed the walls and appeared to be still functional. However, that wasn’t what drew Carlos’s interest. In the middle of the room stood an altar, and floating in the middle of it was the Pedant that they were searching for.

    It was a green Pendant attached to a silvery and thin chain. They beauty of it left him speechless for a moment or two, as he picked it up and read the word ‘_____’. That was when he caught the presence of an even larger force than before. He immediately came back to his sensed and paced back through the corridor.

    Now it felt stronger than it ever had.

    He put the Pendant inside his pocket and jumped through the open tunnel, he landed on his feet beside Aaliyah.

    “Did you get it?” She asked.

    He nodded and quickly grabbed her arm. His intention was to teleport both of them from their present location – and as far away as possible, but it was too late. A strong gust of wind encompassed their surroundings. Carlos found the strength of the winds so powerful that he had trouble standing. Another _____ quickly appeared, although this presence felt different from what he was previously sensing.
    The _____ stumbled forward a few steps before he found his footing. The bottom of his eyes were black from fatigue and even his skin seemed paler than it should have been. His breathes were long and faltering.

    His hair was black and medium in length. It was messily worn and fell over his tired eyes. _____ tattoo’s populated one side of his face. He wore a heavy black sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, and tight black jeans finished with converse shoes.

    “Maybe he’s worn out from teleporting over such a long distance?” Aaliyah suggested quietly.

    “Maybe,” Carlos responded as he stepped forward. “Who are you? And what do you want with us?” He shouted demandingly as he shielded Aaliyah with one arm.
    The _____ glanced from Carlos to Aaliyah and then back again.

    “Is that Aaliyah?” He asked uncertainly.

    “I am” She responded as she side stepped Carlos’s arm.

    She started walking forward. “What do want with us?”
    The _____ looked over his shoulder before turning back around. “My name is Mikel, but please... we do not have a-lot of time. Do you feel that tremendous force coming this way?” He asked as droplets of sweat continued to pour down his face.

    Aaliyah nodded but Carlos was reluctant in responding, he was rather cautious of this newcomer.

    “That is another _____ who goes by the name Adrian. He`s among the most powerful _____ on the planet, and he has been tracking you two since St. Catharine`s. Luckily, my group and I have been able to locate you first. They sent me to bring you back safely.” He explained to Aaliyah.

    She turned around and looked into the direction of the strong presence. She was extremely worried because this force completely dwarfed her own power. She glanced to Carlos, whom shook his head toward her implication of trusting this newcomer.

    “If we do not leave now he will be here...” He tried to explain before something crashed through the ceiling of the hangar.

    The _____ landed with such force that he caved several inches into the concrete. With the arrival of this new threat came the strongest force that Aaliyah and Carlos had ever sensed. It made her shudder just thinking about it.

    The eddying mist slowly dispersed as yet another _____ rose from the cratered concrete. His eyes were focused solely on Aaliyah and they made her chill to the bone. They were coated with black eye shadow and accentuated his intimidating look. A red Mohawk fell overtop one of his eyes and _____ tattoo’s populated the entirety of his face.

    He smirked in a cocky manner when he realized that Mikel was there.

    “So... she sent you,” He said to Mikel with a nod of his head. “I would have figured that Sakéda might have sent someone a little more powerful, or maybe even come herself.” He added a sly smile.

    “Yea, sure,” Mikel replied sarcastically.

    Adrian walked forward in a casual fashion. “So what is the next step of your master plan Mikel? Surely you did not think this very thoroughly.”

    “That’s obvious, we’re going to defeat you and make our escape.” He shot back.

    “You know as well as I do, that is not likely, just hand over the Pendant and I may let you get away unscathed.” Adrian offered as he glanced from Carlos to Aaliyah, it appeared as though he was examining them.

    “We have no idea what you are talking about.” Mikel lied.
    “There was a Pendant here, Sierra already confirmed that. There would be no other reason for those two to break into a high security military base. You can give it up willingly, or I’ll kill you three and take it anyways... even if you give it up, I may just kill you anyways.” Adrian said with a smirk on his face.

    He raised his hand to his nose and continued to laugh to himself.
    “If you want to harm the girl, than you are going to have to go through me” Mikel said challengingly as he stepped forward.
    Carlos and Aaliyah looked at each other in disbelief. Mikel’s energy level was significant, and it easily surpassed their own, but it paled in comparison to Adrian’s.
    A surge of sparks began to dance around Mikel’s body. They were quick jagged bolts, and the danced vigorously around his small figure. The dancing sparks began to move more violently and they grew in number.
    “Maybe we can take him if we all go at him together,” Aaliyah said as she joined Mikel by his side. “What choice do we have?” She added as she rolled her sleeves up.
    “I’m down” Carlos said agreeably as he looked at Aaliyah with some concern. Whomever this _____ was had obviously come for her, and probably for the Pendants that she possessed. He had one as well, but he figure it best to keep their ownership of a few Pendants of _____ a secret.
    The three _____ immediately disappeared at the same time. Carlos and Mikel reappeared on either side of Adrian, while Aaliyah had come in from the front. Adrian was quick to counter their initial attack, because followed up with a roundhouse kick to the side of Mikels face, which sent him spiraling across the hangar.
    Following a casual smirk from Adrian, he repelled both of their attacks at the same time and sent them caving into the concrete on the other-side of the hangar.
    The three of them did not stop there.
    They immediately rushed him again, but this time, more quickly and forcefully than the last time. The began to teleport in various areas around Adrian, and as they did so, they tried to hit him whatever way they could. Their screams echoed through the bay of the hangar and the concrete floor was being ripped apart from the force of the battle as they continued to teleport from place to place.
    Even with the three of them combining their assault, they could not gain the upper-hand.
    It was in that moment when Adrian managed to land an upper-cut to the stomach area of Carlos. It knocked the breath out of him and he buckle over Adrian's fist, whom followed up with a heavy cross and roundhouse kick to the side of his head. His attack was so quick that Aaliyah could not trace his movements with her eyes.
    She watched helplessly as Carlos skidded above the concrete floor and came to a stop on the other-side of the bay, he was knocked unconscious.
    "Behind you!" Mikel screamed as Adrian tried to overtake her from behind.
    The moment before Adrian was able to connect with an energy blast, Mikel succeeded in striking him at least one time. Adrian shook off the punch and it only angered him more. Immediately, the two of them disappeared from their present location and reappeared five different times in various locations throughout the hangar. Each time that they would teleport, they would attempt to strike each other. But each time, Adrian was able to block Mikel's attacks rather easily. During their final encounter -near the ceiling of the hangar, Adrian was able to punch Mikel towards the ground. As Mikel fell, he channelled an energy wave with his hands and shot it towards Adrian, whom met the force with both hands and he cancelled it out. The resulting blast shook the entire foundation of the hangar and it creaked and groaned, as though it were able to topple over.
    "That was hot and spicy..." Adrian said cockily as he stood over Mikel. His palm was facing him and the resulting blast from Adrian overtook Mikel and it knocked him out completely.
    Aaliyah did not know what to do at this point. She pulled back a few inches -seemingly intimidated, but she still got herself prepared to scrap with Adrian, even if she had to go in alone.
    "Unless you want to end up like your friends, I would suggest that you hand over the Pendant." He said demandingly as he began to walk towards her direction.
    She channeled a purple energy wave with one hand and shot it towards Adrian. It broke into pieces upon his chest and it dispersed into nothingness.
    "Screw it!" She said out loud as she disappeared immediately.
    She reappeared directly beside him and tried to engage him in hand to hand combat, but Adrian quickly parried one of her punches and followed up with a heavy uppercut to her abdomen. She buckled over his fist before she was sent sprawling across the hangar floor. She immediately tried to stand up, but she quickly fell forward as she held onto her stomach. Blood was beginning to seep from her mouth when she came back to her senses.
    She had no choice.
    Aaliyah quickly dug through her pocket and quickly pulled out one of the Pendants of _____. She tried to fasten it around her neck, but as she was about to let it drop and touch her skin, Adrian immediately flew into her.
    The dropped the Pendant as the two of them flew horizontally above the ground. They exchanged blows with one another as they crossed the entire base of the hangar floor. One of Adrian's fists connected with the side of her face and it sent her scrambling upon the ground. This time, she realized that she did not have the strength left to fight back.
    "Is that is?" Adrian asked cockily as he looked around.
    Carlos was knocked unconscious and he was laying on the far side of the hangar, while Mikel was laying near the middle; neither _____ was moving and Aaliyah figured that this was actually it.
    She had to think of something, and she had to think of something fast.
    "Tell me where the Pendant is and I will kill you anyways..." Adrian said before he paused for a moment. "Or is that... I will let you live? No matter, you three had your chance." He concluded as he began walking towards Aaliyah.
    Once he reached her, she looked up to him in contempt. He knelt down and forcefully grabbed her hair. He raised her head up until the two were looking at each other eye to eye.
    "During our fight, I noticed that you tried to wear one of those Pendants. Now... I am not certain whether you can wear them or not, so we are going to do a little and find out." He explained as he dug through his pockets with his other hand.
    Truthfully, she started to feel a little scared, but she was not going to show him that. He pulled her head closer and held her there -once he found the Pendant, he held it by its thin chain and casually placed it around her neck. To his surprise, the chain did not fall through her neck and it remained stationary.
    "You're the final one! I' have already killed the other _____ that are like you, and guess what..." He pulled her a little closer. "I am going to kill you..." He whispered.
    " you!" She screamed.
    Immediately, he pushed her head directly into the concrete floor and Aaliyah screamed as the pain coursed through her face. The force of the impact was so tremendous that her face had caved several inches into the ground. She was now bleeding on parts of her face and various areas were bruised.
    He unravelled the Pendant from around her neck and stood up. "Do you think I'm playing?!" He asked doubtfully. "Why does everything that I am ing playing?!" He screamed as he looked around the hangar bay.
    Aaliyah tried to push herself up, but now she was far too weak. 'I have got to think of something...' She thought to herself, but she did not know what she could actually do by this point. Adrian was much too powerful and the help that she did have, was no longer relevant by this point.
    Adrian turned around and began to walk towards Carlos. "If you do not wish to tell me where the Pendant is, I will search this entire hangar. When I find it, I will kill you three." He yelled over his shoulder.
    Aaliyah squinted her eyes as she began to examine the ground, trying to locate where the Pendant was that she had dropped earlier. That was when she remembered that she had one Pendant left. It was the one that Carlos had found in the tunnel below, and it was still inside her other pocket. With some luck, Aaliyah was able to see the last remaining Pendant between Adrian and herself.
    She dug through her pockets quickly in a last ditch effort to gain the upper-hand. She had to fasten the Pendant and it's chain around her neck before Adrian realized that Carlos was in possession of one as well. She was well aware of how they augmented the power of the wearer -having wore one back in St Catharine's, and right now, she needed that. Finally... she strapped the chain around her neck and immediately a great gust of wind was expelled around her. Her energy level raised by a tremendous degree, and her eyes began to glow a greenish color. She knew that one Pendant on it's own would not be sufficient in putting Adrian down, but now was her opportune moment to gain the upper-hand.
    Adrian noticed the ferocity of the wind and was about to turned around when she quickly appeared at his side. She hit him with a heavy cross, and she put everything that she had into the punch. The resulting force was so powerful that it sent Adrian spiraling through the hangar wall and into the woods beyond.
    Aaliyah immediately used her teleportation to pick up, Mikel, Carlos, and the final Pendant that was laying on the ground. She noticed in the corner of her eye that Adrian had shot an energy wave in her direction, it exploded on her shoulder and she screamed as the pain tore at her skin; and, as the three disappeared from the hangar bay.
    Last edited by Kris Brass; 05-23-2016 at 10:59 PM.

  12. #12
    On the road, but not! Danik 2016's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Beyond nowhere
    Some ideas:
    Still about chapter I
    Try to make the reader curious about Carlos and Aaliyah.
    For example: beginn with the scene where Carlos is begging but without too much background information. Let the reader wonder: who is this guy?
    The pendant or the pendants seems to be a main goal in the story but in the first chapter the informations about them are somewhat lost in the middle of a lot of other information.If it is important this importance must be clear somehow and again it must excite the curiosity of the reader.
    It seems there are a lot of allien characters in the story. The difficulty of working with allien characters is that you have to invent rules for them and then stick to it. To your readers the difference between alliens and humans must be and remain very clear even if the rules are shown and not told (for example its a positive aspect that you show your alliens teleporting).
    I prefer the second chapter. The action part reads much more fluent than the beginning. I am starting to like this Aaliyah.
    But where do all those (human?)soldiers come from? And what are they doing there? Protecting the main pendant?
    Last edited by Danik 2016; 05-25-2016 at 09:55 PM.
    "You can always find something better than death."
    Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, The Bremen Town Musicians

  13. #13
    There is not much literature on Friendship Day history as we celebrate today. However, there are numerous folktales and several instance in

    mythological legends that shows that friends and friendship have been valued since the beginning of civilized world. As an intrinsically social

    creature, men love to make friends to further this process of socialization.
    Considering the valuable role friends play in our life it was deemed to fit to have a day dedicated to friends and friendship. The United States

    Congress, in 1935, proclaimed first Sunday of August as the National Friendship Day. Since then, celebration of National Friendship Day became an

    annual event. The noble idea of honoring the beautiful relationship of friendship caught on with the people and soon Friendship Day became a hugely

    popular festival.

  14. #14
    The writing displayed here is less than eloquent, I recommend that you practice a-lot before pursuing publication.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Uncanny Valley
    Quote Originally Posted by Saylee View Post
    The writing displayed here is less than eloquent, I recommend that you practice a-lot before pursuing publication.
    Do you really think an author is likely to take advice from someone who thinks "a lot" is spelled "a-lot"?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. William Carlos Williams
    By Isagel in forum Poems, Poets, and Poetry
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 05-28-2012, 07:48 PM
  2. Carlos Fuentes
    By Heteronym in forum General Literature
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 06-28-2011, 07:51 PM
  3. William Carlos Williams
    By srvfan in forum Poems, Poets, and Poetry
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 06-28-2010, 07:45 AM
  4. The Teachings of Don Juan, Carlos Castaneda
    By mmaria in forum Write a Book Review
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 02-15-2009, 04:39 AM
  5. Zafon, Carlos Ruiz: Shadow of the Wind
    By Kara Ortiez in forum General Literature
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-21-2007, 10:44 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts