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Thread: A day on the beach

  1. #1
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    A day on the beach

    Hello, I have one of my first attempts at poetry. I just wanted to know all of your opinions on it.

    A day on the beach.

    The glimmering sand tells a story all its own. It tells you the story of how it ended up there. How you ended up next to it. Forgetting that there is such a thing as lack. A ray from the sun captures your attention and you look off to the side. Frolicking and joyful the children put aside their differences to enjoy the radiant sun. What would it be like to look through their humble eyes? To them they have arrived at their destination, happiness flows fluid in their heart. An unspoken understanding that if I don't enjoy today then maybe I won't enjoy tomorrow. A dolphin jumps in the distance out of the ocean capturing an instant that will stay with you for eternity. A look into your dog's eyes so happy and mindful telling you that in this moment, you are where you need to be.
    Last edited by tangentup; 03-07-2016 at 05:59 PM.

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    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Kudos. Welcome to LitNet !

    Oh! how I miss the beach !

    Plenty to work with here. You've left this in the form of a paragraph which IMHO makes it less accessible as a poem. Form matters with line breaks and white space and so on. That being said - whatever way you wish to present your poems is up to you.

    The alliteration of "flows fluid" is interesting, but seems a bit forced and inelegant; rather than "glimmering sand" perhaps the alliterative "shimmering sand" at the beginning. "Frolicking" with the addition of "joyful" may be redundant to my mind. I'd work at making your verse less sentency (sic) and perhaps employ a more poetic/minimalistic touch.

    Hoping others will chime in:

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    Last edited by tailor STATELY; 03-07-2016 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Welcome
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
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    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    The sentence, "An unspoken understanding that if i don't enjoy today then maybe i won't enjoy tomorrow" stands out for me. That seems to be the theme. From my view that should move the reader to re-read the poem. That would mark it as successful.

    The lowercase "i" is interesting. I would probably make it a capital "I" so it doesn't distract attention unless there was something in particular communicated by it being lowercase.

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    Thanks for the input! It is helping me understand poetry a bit more.

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    The Hopeless Romantic Prinze Charming's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tangentup View Post
    Hello, I have one of my first attempts at poetry. I just wanted to know all of your opinions on it.

    A day on the beach.

    The glimmering sand tells a story all its own. It tells you the story of how it ended up there. How you ended up next to it. Forgetting that there is such a thing as lack. A ray from the sun captures your attention and you look off to the side. Frolicking and joyful the children put aside their differences to enjoy the radiant sun. What would it be like to look through their humble eyes? To them they have arrived at their destination, happiness flows fluid in their heart. An unspoken understanding that if I don't enjoy today then maybe I won't enjoy tomorrow. A dolphin jumps in the distance out of the ocean capturing an instant that will stay with you for eternity. A look into your dog's eyes so happy and mindful telling you that in this moment, you are where you need to be.
    Hey tangentup,

    I'll give you a few words of encouragement. As you begin this piece, you allow the reader to appreciate the sand. In your eyes, it's not just any sand. It's glimmering sand. This implies a source of radiant light offering a warm touch to your introduction. In essence, you're right. This has a story on its own. What's the significance behind the sand's origin? Why am I next to the sand? Why not on or above it? I am not sure about your use of 'lack' in this context. Do you mean to explain something being insufficient? Okay, I know I moved away from appreciating the sun. What's off to the side worth my attention? I love how there's an acceptance to cultural diversity here. Everyone is different, but they all share their love for the beach. The eyes of children are extremely different from those with experience. Life is short. This is a beautiful piece to understand the gift we're offered to us. Thank you for contributing to this forum! Continue writing!

    - Anthony

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    Im glad you enjoyed it, it does give me encouragement to keep going just knowing some of you like it. Thank you for your kind words.

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