Summer Solstice (Know Yourself)

[Manninu88]

Chapter Two


I remember receiving a few letters from the electricity company informing me that my account was overdue. I also remember writing several cheques made out to the electricity company for sums of various amounts, perhaps similar, if not the same as what was owed to them. However, it easily could have been something else.

I was still in the living room standing in near darkness, so I reached over to the nearest switch and to my surprise the room was filled with translucent life!

To where a light-shade should be found, there was not, and it took my besieged hazel-green eyes an unaccountable few moments to adjust to their most wondrous best, although not wondrous at all; well they used to be a long time ago, now they feel old, sluggish and defective.

I took one final glance at the picture which had ignited my idiosyncrasy, but this time the old man and the dog seemed to have lost all their natural majesty to the unnatural gleam of the non-energy-saving bulb above. And this made me think back my childhood house where I grew up so many years ago; it was home to switches with adjustable dimming control of the light, and I continued to think "If I had these switches where I live now, would I dim the light? Or would I just flick the switch off altogether?"

Evidently, the picture was still circulating around in my mind, so I decided to leave the living room in hope of ridding myself of the pictures controlled ownership, which it had beset upon me.
I returned back to the kitchen where I was reintroduced to the disordered cereal and the spoiled milk. The best before date still read (26/04), and my intolerance of the unresolved date of this day, today, grew towards a melancholic state of mind; for I had no telephone, no computer, and no watch.

I was at a loss for what to do.

I sat down on a single chair which occupied the kitchen table, and like fed up child began to flick through some loose papers which had gathered impressively over time. To my surprise I unearthed a magazine hidden beneath the depths of all the unimportant scribbles and drawings above. The print was January's edition of the Men's health magazines; I had once subscribed yearly to them but later cancelled the subscription due to reasons unbeknown to me now. My only concern, my only priority at this moment was to uncover what today's date was.

On the front of the cover was a man of Herculean comparison, who to me possessed the most unconvincing smile. It was a false smile. A smile as if he was honestly overjoyed with his metallic appearance. It was uncanny. There were all sorts of various slogans and indicative quotations printed invariably around the edges of the cover, along the lines of: The five most versatile watches, Save your heart with raisins, How to do the Zercher squat, and so drolly forth.

I started to flick through the frivolous contents with a dejected, carefree approach of speedy disregard, and as the bimonthlies remaining half a dozen or so pages dwindled away, something caught my eye. And there, on page seventy-five, the right side of the two page spread was an article entitled "Double Your Productivity" under the fore-title, "Smashing Stress". It wasn't these words which were the reason to why I had temporarily hovered over page Seventy-Five; it was the anecdotal scribbles, the thickened circles of meaningless random words, and a small doodle of questionable depiction which had encompassed my meddlesomeness.

All of the now encaged, circled words intrigued me more than anything, and I started to decipher their mysterious meanings.

There were a total of twelve words which had been entombed and in no particular order were as follows: Learn, Cut, Chase, Body, Power, Office, Women, Improve, Time, Meet, and Date.

“Date? DATE?” I screamed to myself somewhat pathetically.

That last word “Date” increasing my now perplexed and irrational thinking by tenfold! I jerked an impulsive reaction which closed the magazine abruptly, then threw it across the kitchen floor in haste.

The other words had lost their connection with me altogether and I cared not for them anymore. The word 'Date' stood out like a sore thumb; it pulsated through my mind like a tiring old headache which seems to linger there forever, and I had once again been reminded of what I was doing prior to my brochure fascination.

I arose from the slumber of my chair, and walked over to the sink. There was a mixture of dirty plates and cutlery spread unorganised across the basin and I didn't bother to attend to them. Instead I looked up, and found myself transfixed with a reflection; it was brought to life from the darkness of outside against the light from within, set upon the mirrored window pane. It was my reflection. And as I stared moronically at a face which closer resembled a stranger, than myself, I swear I was thinking a blind nothing at all. All I could hear were the loose drippings of water which fell every so often beneath me.

My mind was blank, I felt no life.

I stood there for a further moment when I enquired out loud.

"What date is it today?"

Nothing, and no one replied. So I quickly returned to my sceptical, daydreaming state of mind.

[108 fountains]

Hi Manninu88,

First suggestion: If you have several chapters to a story, best to post them as a reply to your first post. That way, readers will have all the chapters in one place.

I have to admit that I have not had the time to read all the stories you’ve posted. There are two that I found really enjoyable and memorable - Three Girls in Red and, more recently, Remembering Faces.

I found this one, Summer Solstice, to be interesting, and I’m curious to see where the story will lead. But there are two related technical areas in the writing of this story that could be improved, and which if improved, would make the story much more readable and enjoyable (in my opinion).

The first is diction. There are several places where you just have the wrong word or words in the wrong place, and this can be distracting to the reader. One example: I looked at the date of the milk (best before 26/04) and thought a puzzled curiosity towards the date of which today was known. Huh? I had to read that sentence a couple times. I think you meant to say, I looked at the date on the milk (best before 26/04) and was puzzled. Another example: I took one final glance at the picture which had ignited my idiosyncrasy… Did the picture cause him to be idiosyncratic? I think the word you want is curiosity. Another example: …my intolerance of the unresolved date of this day. Probably frustration is better than intolerance; better just to say my frustration at being unable to remember the date. One other example: a small doodle of questionable depiction which had encompassed my meddlesomeness. I don’t know what you meant here. There are other examples, but this gives you an idea of what I mean.

The second area for improvement might actually be the cause of the first. It appears you are trying too hard in your writing - it’s just filled with unnecessary adverbs and adjectives and words of all kinds that are meant to be descriptive but because they don’t add anything to the story or because they are overblown, they instead become distractions. Example one: I genially walked over to the portrait… Since genially means in a friendly manner, the word is out of place, but more importantly, it's unnecessary. Why not just say I walked over to the portrait…? Example two (in the same sentence): …the images' timeless luxuriance. It’s a picture of a man and a dog; describing it as having a timeless luxuriousness is overblown. Final example: I started to flick through the frivolous contents with a dejected, carefree approach of speedy disregard, and as the bimonthlies remaining half a dozen or so pages dwindled away, something caught my eye. Way too many adjectives/unnecessary words. Better to say something like I was flicking through the pages when something caught my eye. And in the same paragraph: ...why I had temporarily hovered over page Seventy-Five. Better to just say ...why I had paused over page 75 or ...why I had hesitated over page 75.

Choosing the right words and the best way of turning a phrase can be tricky. I really like some of your descriptions: a stale rind around the lid which had turned a sour yellow in colour…, pixel scatterings of fuzzy black and white…, He had below his nose, a thick, prickly crescent of a moustache…, his metallic appearance…,a mixture of dirty plates and cutlery spread unorganised across the basin - these are all good descriptive phrases that don’t seem overwritten to me.

In any case, the good news is that I think the problems with the writing can be easily fixed. Just put it aside for a day or two and then look at it again for the purpose of editing and shortening. Take out anything that seems unnecessary or that doesn’t add something to the story. Adjectives are often unnecessary if you have a good, descriptive noun. Adverbs can be deleted nine times out of ten if you use a good, strong, descriptive verb.

Don’t be discouraged. The other day I posted something as soon as I completed the first draft. I look at it now and wish I had set it aside a couple of days and then done some editing. Sorry for the long comment. I hope you take it in the spirit it is meant - constructive rioticism.

[Manninu88]

Hi 108 Fountains!

Thank you so much for finding the time to reply to this post, albeit an unpleasant dissection of my work. Having said that, and like you have said - i have indeed taken it in the spirit it is meant - constructive rioticism (Even though that isn't a word) I understand your intention, i think.

Like many opinions, critiques, personal preferences etc, every reader (and writer) is different, and should be different. I believe that is what sets a writer apart from the other writers typing away in the other room. As to write differently, to think differently, to organise and construct a story differently is my intention, and that does seem to come to me very naturally, with what i believe to be a 'talent' (my one and only talent, i think, i hope). And to change a sentence, to remove words, to reorganise something within my work feels to me if i am losing something of my own to the reader, or the critic right here.

I don't want a sentence, or a paragraph to sound like every other sentence and paragraph that has ever been written. Although perhaps this is what people like, this is what the reader wants? Who knows.

Although if you are a publisher then forget everything i have said, and "Hello to you, how lovely to have met you".

Perhaps i'm just being stubborn and should try to be more modest about what people say towards my writing - as i have read what you have said over and over again, and i find it interesting, and maybe you're right, but maybe you're wrong "Each to their own".

Anyway, i have posted Chapter 3 separately as another thread as i feel if you add another chapter to the reply / comments option then it simply gets buried away, although maybe i'm wrong with this one as well.

I don't mean to sound disengaging or menacing towards what you have said, as I have learnt and taken a great deal onboard. So thank you.

Manninu88

[Calidore]

108 fountains: I don't know if "constructive rioticism" was a typo or an autocorrect fail, but I love it both as a phrase and a concept. I hope you can find a way to use it in your own writing.

Manninu88: Adding replies to a thread bumps it up in the listings, which are sorted by most recent post. For this reason, posting each chapter separately will cause them to appear in the order replied to rather than the order to be read--an even bigger issue when you neglect to include chapter numbers in the headers, as you have. Between having to travel among threads and having to figure out which thread is next in order, you've made reading your work a whole lot more difficult than it should be, which means a whole lot fewer people will be bothered.

The same goes for your writing itself; you want to interest people in reading it. While I certainly understand the desire to write differently and uniquely--every writer wants that-- the difference should come from the writer's voice and serve the writing. As was pointed out with examples by 108 fountains, some of your word choices and sentence structures sound awkward or plain incorrect. Your writing needs to draw people into your story, not boot them out of it while they try to figure out what you're trying to say.

Furthermore, all the unnecessary modifiers in your piece only serve to bury your story in excessive writing. Again, you're forcing the reader to work harder to read your story than they should have to.

From your reply to 108 fountains, you seem to be putting a higher priority on showing off your perceived writing chops, at the expense of writing clearly and coherently. A common problem with new writers, but still a problem. Simple but important advice: Write to express, not impress.

108 fountains spent a good deal of time conposing for you a very detailed and spot-on piece of feedback. I urge you not to disregard it simply because it wasn't entirely what you wanted to hear.