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Thread: Jokes, the worse the better

  1. #1
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    Jokes, the worse the better

    Oi, oi, lads. I don't think we have a thread for the telling of jokes, the firing off of one-liners, the cracking of quips, or the purveying of punchlines. So I'm bloody well starting one. If you know a nice, succinct joke, even one that may be a bit plump about the middle and suffer from receding hair and halitosis, this is the place to unleash it. Witness this gem, meant to be read aloud:

    A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have...........a beer." To which the bartender replies "Why the big pause?"

    <cough> Or this testament to jocularity:

    Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

    If you've got a bad one, lay it on us.
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

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    I used to have a racing snail. I took his shell off, trying to improve his lap times, but it just made him more sluggish.

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    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I saw a dead skunk in the road. I want it. Now you say, "I two it."

    "I two it."

    I three it.

    "I four it."

    I five it.

    "I six it."

    I seven it.

    "I eight it."

  4. #4
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    I both understood and was duly frightened by those jokes. My turn:

    If a snake dies and comes back as a ghost, what do you call it? A boo-a constrictor.
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

  5. #5
    MANICHAEAN MANICHAEAN's Avatar
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    I put 200 pounds on a horse at 20:1
    It came in at three thirty.

    (Tommy Cooper)

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    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    Two cannibals were eating a clown - one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

    (Tommy Cooper, once again).
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  7. #7
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    Two parrots were standing on a perch. One of them said to the other: "Do you smell fish?"
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

  8. #8
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    An ocean fish started getting sick of his usual fare of anthozoa, so he thought he'd change his diet to sea ferns. After gagging on the first bite, he said, "With fronds like these,who needs anemones?

  9. #9
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    An ocean fish started getting sick of his usual fare of anthozoa, so he thought he'd change his diet to sea ferns. After gagging on the first bite, he said, "With fronds like these,who needs anemones?
    Aunt Shecky, that was so painful, that you must now suffer this:

    If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

  10. #10
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    When my grandmother turned 60, she started walking five miles a day. She's 97 now and we have no idea where the hell she is.
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  11. #11
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    You should never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

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    Why is Dublin so big? Because it just keeps Dublin, and Dublin, and Dublin....

  13. #13
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

  14. #14
    Registered User Tyrion Cheddar's Avatar
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    For my birthday someone gave me a humidifier. Someone else gave me a dehumidifier. I put them both on in the same room and let them fight it out.
    Obsessed with facial symmetry.

  15. #15
    somewhere else Helga's Avatar
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    When I was ten I won a joke contest at school with a terrible joke and only the judge laughed: There once was an elf who had such a long beard it smelled like his toes.
    I hope death is joyful, and I hope I'll never return -Frida Khalo

    If I seem insensitive to what you are going through, understand it's the way I am- Mr. Spock

    Personally, I think that the unique and supreme delight lies in the certainty of doing 'evil'–and men and women know from birth that all pleasure lies in evil. - Baudelaire

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