Jokes, the worse the better

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Oi, oi, lads. I don't think we have a thread for the telling of jokes, the firing off of one-liners, the cracking of quips, or the purveying of punchlines. So I'm bloody well starting one. If you know a nice, succinct joke, even one that may be a bit plump about the middle and suffer from receding hair and halitosis, this is the place to unleash it. Witness this gem, meant to be read aloud:

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have...........a beer." To which the bartender replies "Why the big pause?"

<cough> Or this testament to jocularity:

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

If you've got a bad one, lay it on us.

[spikepipsqueak]

I used to have a racing snail. I took his shell off, trying to improve his lap times, but it just made him more sluggish.

[YesNo]

I saw a dead skunk in the road. I want it. Now you say, "I two it."

"I two it."

I three it.

"I four it."

I five it.

"I six it."

I seven it.

"I eight it."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I both understood and was duly frightened by those jokes. My turn:

If a snake dies and comes back as a ghost, what do you call it? A boo-a constrictor.

[MANICHAEAN]

I put 200 pounds on a horse at 20:1
It came in at three thirty.

(Tommy Cooper)

[Lokasenna]

Two cannibals were eating a clown - one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

(Tommy Cooper, once again).

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Two parrots were standing on a perch. One of them said to the other: "Do you smell fish?"

[AuntShecky]

An ocean fish started getting sick of his usual fare of anthozoa, so he thought he'd change his diet to sea ferns. After gagging on the first bite, he said, "With fronds like these,who needs anemones?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

An ocean fish started getting sick of his usual fare of anthozoa, so he thought he'd change his diet to sea ferns. After gagging on the first bite, he said, "With fronds like these,who needs anemones?

Aunt Shecky, that was so painful, that you must now suffer this:

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

[Lokasenna]

When my grandmother turned 60, she started walking five miles a day. She's 97 now and we have no idea where the hell she is.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

You should never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

[Andrea Michelle]

Why is Dublin so big? Because it just keeps Dublin, and Dublin, and Dublin....

[Tyrion Cheddar]

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

For my birthday someone gave me a humidifier. Someone else gave me a dehumidifier. I put them both on in the same room and let them fight it out.

[Helga]

When I was ten I won a joke contest at school with a terrible joke and only the judge laughed: There once was an elf who had such a long beard it smelled like his toes.