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Thread: December eighth

  1. #1
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    December eighth

    I'm put to mind of December eighth long ago
    because it was a day I had to fight the fight
    for my very life.
    It was a day I lost my cushioned home
    for caring arms to nestle in.
    It was a day I first heard a recognizable voice,
    un-muffled now, yet echoing joyfully
    through my ears, and my scaly eyes
    beheld an alluring spectrum of colors
    canvased against a dark silhouette.

    I no longer had to rely, and be nourished,
    on second-hand morsels.
    I became free from unavoidable posing
    in front of a camera in my nakedness,
    while I turned to let them know I was a man-child.
    A nameless soul I was while resting and awaiting
    my journey from my cocoon.

    Water and blood would announce my
    arrival when dark met light,
    and it fled the scene,
    and cries begat cries
    as an awaiting spirit found it's host
    in my wrinkled body, yet undone,
    but joining them together as one-
    and I became a living soul.
    Now I had a name.

    Oh that day on December eighth.
    Last edited by The black sheep; 12-19-2015 at 02:04 PM.

  2. #2
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Nice approach to birth. Most past events one cannot take from us.

  3. #3
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    The last line makes it my birth day
    Last edited by The black sheep; 12-19-2015 at 02:06 PM.

  4. #4
    Metamorphosing Pensive's Avatar
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    It had to catch my attention!
    Thank you for the interesting read my birthday twin!
    I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew.

  5. #5
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    I like the premise, but the antithesis of "fighting the flight / for my very life" and then "caring arms to nestle in" seems forced. The part about hearing a "a recognizable voice" is not credible, same for hearing "joyous" sounds and seeing "an alluring spectrum of color". These are rhetorics and melodramatic. I'd take out the section about what you see and hear and feel, just can't believe someone just born can be cognizant of anything. I would begin the piece from S2, I think it's pretty strong from that point on.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  6. #6
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    Thanks for the critique

    Thanks for the critique, but babies do recognize a familiar voice from their place in the womb to out of the womb. Although I can't possibly remember that, but at the time it was being photographed{ the colors, shapes} in my tiny little mind. Though I do appreciate your opinion.

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