Channel 5 Nightly News
BREAKING NEWS!
We have just received a report that the Newscopter 12 has been involved in a near miss air accident with a group of migrating ducks.
But first, here is an update on the opossum story we told you about on our 3 A.M. broadcast yesterday. It seems as though the opossum has since left the vicinity, and the family witnessing the opossum is now safe from harm.
Now, back to the Breaking News. Newscopter 12 had a near miss with a migrating flock of ducks while on route to an accident on route 6, east of the city. The accident involved an opossum and a tractor trailer. The opossum was declared dead at the scene. It is not known if this was the same opossum involved in an earlier story. It seems unlikely, since opossums do not generally appear in two news stories in such a close time-frame.
On the National Front, today every job in America was lost. All businesses went out of business.
In a related story, the Federal Department of Labor declared that unemployment in the country was zero percent. Since there are no jobs to be had, and no one is looking for a job, therefore, by government definition, there is no unemployment.
The President could not be reached for comment.
Congress adjourned and left Washington for an extended holiday.
Cost for crude oil plummeted to 1 dollar a barrel. Gasoline prices at the pump immediately soared to $10 a gallon. Oil Companies cited the price increase on the fact that they were out of business, and that they really didn’t give a **** anyway. They were going to get their fair share of whatever remained.
No congressional persons could be reached for comment. Remember, they had recently left for an extended holiday.
The President could not be reached for comment.
The World Series has been cancelled. Someone stole all the tickets and is selling them on an online auction site for pennies on the dollar.
The forecast for tonight is cloudy and dark. Tomorrow morning, it will be much lighter in the daytime.
Tune in again at 11 when we have updates to the opossum accident, and as always,
Twit us on Twitter, and like us on Facebook, and have a great evening everyone.
If news breaks, it breaks first here on NewsChannel 5, Always Alive Here On Five.
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Originally Posted by YesNo
