Living in the country does have it's advantages. Then again.....
My Wife Sue was standing looking out the front window.
"Doug, can you come here for a minute?"
"What is it?" I asked , standing beside her and staring out toward the farmer's field, which is on the other side of the roadway...
"Look, there on the road."
I Looked......
" I don't see anything. Oh, yea.....The raccoon on the road."
"I think it's dead."
"Well, either that or it's sleeping."
"How can you joke about that? The poor thing."
"Hit by a car, probably. Oh well, them's the breaks. Let's go finish lunch."
"How can you talk about finishing lunch when that poor raccoon is out there, lying on the road. He's liable to get....You know...Squashed."
"It IS squashed. Well, most of it."
Sue turned to look at me. Whenever she does that I know there will be something I have to do.
"Doug, we can't just let it lay there."
"Why not?"
"Because, well, it's not nice! We MUST do something."
"And " I asked, "You would like to do what?"
"We can't leave that poor thing on the road. How would you like to be left on the road like that?"
"Well, first, I would look both ways before I crossed the road and second....''
"Yes?"
"Second I wouldn't be out at night looking for garbage. Now can we go back and have lunch? I'm hungry."
"We are NOT leaving it on the road."
" I hope you don't mean what I think you mean......AH, C'MON, Sue....We aren't..."
"Yes we are..."
With that Sue walked away to get ready to go out to the road to remove the dead raccoon.
Five minutes later she called me from the Sun Room...
"Let's go!"
I walked into the Sun Room and there was Sue wearing her mosquito hat, rubber gloves, in her rubber boots, carrying a shovel and a plastic bag....Ready for action...
"You'd better wear your mosquito hat and your rubber gloves, too, '' she said, " And get your rubber boots."
"Sue, baby, I understand shovel, the rubber gloves and the plastic bag but why the mosquito hat?"
"Because, after we remove the poor thing from the roadway, we are going to bury it."
"AH, C'MON!!! That means we have to go into the woods. I don't wanna go into the woods! It's muddy and, worse, there's all those mosquitoes AND they bite!"
"Precisely! Thus the mosquito hat and rubber boots. Let's go!"
So out to the roadway we go. I was just hoping the neighbours wouldn't see us and call the police about two strangely dressed aliens....
We arrive at the scene of the accident. In the middle of the road.
"Hey, I said, "Maybe we should call 911! Report a hit and run."
"Not funny, Mcgee. Gee, he's kinda...."
"Dead?"
"Doug, that's not very nice. It was a living creature, you know.....Poor little thing..."
"Yea and now it's deceased. Sound better? Let's get this over with. I'm still hungry."
"How in the world can you talk about eating at a time like this! I mean, really.."
"Ok. Sorry....So, what's the plan?"
Sue and I stared at the raccoon. I waited for her to tell me the plan.
"This is what we will do, " she said. " Here's the shovel. You pick it up with the shovel and put it into the plastic bag, but BE careful! We don't want to hurt it....I mean...Be careful."
So, we, after a couple of minutes of hit and miss with the plastic bag....Accomplished
our goal....The removal of a very dead raccoon from roadway.
Next was the burial....
Off we trudge, toward the woods.
We follow the path into the woods and are greeted by swarms of mosquitoes.
"Sue, this is SO dumb! I mean, I'm gettin' attacked! I HATE these mosquitoes! I wanna...."
"Oh, don't be such a baby! We are doing our good deed for the day!"
"Oh." Which was all I could think of saying, as the mosquitoes buzzed about.
"So, " I ask, "Where do you want to bury the little bugger."
"Under that tree.....That looks like a good spot. He should be happy there.."
I let that remark pass.
So I begin to dig a hole.....
"That's not deep enough...That's too round....That's good!"
Sue places the plastic bag containing the remains of one dead raccoon, into the hole...
I start to shovel in the dirt.
"Wait a minute," Says Sue.. " We should say something."
"Yer kidding!!! It's a raccoon...."
"I know! But, after all, it IS one of God's little creatures. We should say something."
I stood there looking at Sue...looking at the plastic bag......
"I hope the neighbours can't see us! I feel stupid!"
"Is that all you can say? I want you to say something....And say something NICE!"
I thought.....And thought some more as the mosquitoes buzzed about.
"OK.....Got it!"
"Alright," says Sue..."Go ahead..."
"DEAR GOD:
TAKE THIS RACCOON, HE GOT HIMSELF CRUNCHED,
NOW I CAN GO HOME AND FINISH MY LUNCH...
Amen..."
Sue stared at me...THAT stare......
"I don't believe what I just heard....."
"I thought it was good. Anyway, the raccoon doesn't care. Can I fill in the hole now?"
"You might as well..."
So, I finished the burial detail and Sue put a little marker on the grave and some wild flowers...
As we walked home I put my arm around Sue...
"Really, Sue, that was a very nice thing you did."
"Thanks Doug...I feel better now."
"Gee', I said, " If you make a big fuss about a raccoon, I can imagine what you will do when, you know, when I make that exit we all make."
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that."
"Why not?"
You're being cremated!!!"
Reply With Quote
